Am I Being Irrational?

So yeah, two posts in two days...  That's how bored I get sitting at work all day.  There aren't too many day drinkers in Hilliard apparently.  Whatever, I get paid regardless....

So anyway, it has come to my attention that I have a situation with my oldest child, Brandon.  I'm gonna spell it out, mostly because I have some really mixed feelings on the situation and would like some outside input.

Brandon is almost 17 and while he looks exactly like his dad, he's got his mom's heart.  He's a good kid.  He gets excellent grades, holds down a damn near full-time job and is just an all around kind soul.  He's a giver.  He's a people pleaser (funny, that's not a word, so says spell check).  He wants to make sure everyone is happy, even if it means he isn't.  He wanted desperately to have a girlfriend, but he's a little on the dorky, awkward side.

Apparently he has a girlfriend now.  I just found out about it a couple of days after I went in to do the thing I'm doing right now.  He came in last week needing some extra money for prom.  Something he never in a million years would want to go to on his own.  I just figured she wanted to go and talked him into it.  No big deal.  Monday, the other Tara came up to get some money from me to pay some of my bills since I'm not allowed to go anywhere but work.  She asked me if I knew Brandon's girlfriend was pregnant.  I had heard rumors of a girl the boys hang out with being pregnant, but I didn't know it was her.

Bottom line is, it's not Brandon's child she's pregnant with.  I did ask Brandon about it to confirm.  He said she is and it's not his, but he wanted to be with her regardless "because he knows how shitty it is growing up without a father".   Ugh.

Being the teen mom that I was back in the day, I know how hard it is to have a child so young.  This girl is even younger than I was.  She lives with her grandparents because her mother tried to kill her when she was a newborn because they told her she was having a boy and she was indeed a girl.  Needless to say, this girl is fucked up emotionally and mentally.

Two weeks ago, $700 went missing in my house and my room was ransacked.  Weird thing, there was $1,000 hidden, but they only took $700.  There was also another $200 in a very out in the open place.  Somebody obviously needed exactly $700 for something.  I'm still upset about it and I know it was someone the boys know because they went straight to my room.  They didn't steal any of the Xboxes, iPods, computers, nothing.  I had thought that maybe someone was paying for an abortion, obviously that wasn't the case.  There's no need to expel upon me your views on abortion, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place right now.  I've raised my children to be compassionate, caring people, but they've also seen the struggles of a young mom raising two children.  I know he thinks he can be her knight in shining armor.  That he can take care of her and her child and live happily ever after.  How am I supposed to explain to a teenager that's not how it works.  That more than likely she's going to suck him dry for every penny he has and move on to the next best thing when it comes along.  That he won't be able to go off to the military and then to college and do all the wonderful things he has lined up for himself.  That she'll be the one holding him back....  All because he's trying to do what's right in his 17 year old mind.....

I talked to my mom about it.  She was no help.  What do you guys think?  I know I need to sit down and talk to him, but I just feel so out of the loop right now not being at home doing what needs to get done there right now....  And he's a teenager, they don't listen, they're so short sighted about everything I just don't think he's going to get it until it's too late and he's too involved....

Halfway Home

I'm currently serving my 30 day sentence.  Fun shit.  It's in a halfway house with 33 other women.  Good fucking god it sucks.  I was going to chronicle my days as a blog post a week, but I'm not spending much time there.  Instead I'm working 18 hour + days because it's the only thing I'm allowed to do.  The people that are there fresh out of prison have more freedoms than I do right now.  At least they're allowed to go get a haircut with a week in advance notice.  Not so much the case with me.  Ugh.  The good news is that I have two bosses that will take the hit and let me work as many hours as I want just to be gone.  The bad news is that I'm so fucking exhausted I can barely manage to be nice to these drunk assholes anymore.  It's week 3 and I want to kill someone.

30 of the women I'm forced to share living quarters with have just within the last 5 months or so, been released from prison.  The other 4 of us are municipal court detainees.  One of my roommates just got done serving 3 years for obstruction of justice.  Apparently she knew about a robbery (but didn't participate in it) and lied about it.  She actually gave birth to her youngest child while in prison... Wow....  The other three, I'm not sure about.  They don't even acknowledge my existence, which is just fine by me.  I'm not there to make friends...

The roommate told me about her cellmate in prison when I told her why I was there.  Apparently this girl had been out drinking, and while only at a .09 (.01 over the legal limit) she hit and killed a man who ran out in front of her.  He was trying to commit suicide and succeeded.  They found the note he had written detailing what he planned to do.  She was originally sentenced to 8 years in prison.  She appealed after they found the suicide note and got a reduced sentence of 4 years.  Wow.  It just goes to show you, it could happen to any of us.  Say she wasn't drinking and was distracted some other way?  Kids, cell phone, etc.  Really scary shit when you stop to think about it.

Other things worth mentioning.....

•   The first day I got there it was breakfast time.  One of the girls pulled like a foot long hair out of her cereal....  The cook is a guy with a crew cut... Wtf?  That sealed my no eating on premises rule.  Josh just brings me food when I'm at work.
• I have to take a breathalyzer test and have all my shit gone through every time I walk in the door.  Fun stuff.  I have a breathalyzer in my car which let me drive two Sundays ago, but I managed to blow a .006 when I got back to the house.  Not really sure how that happened.  I haven't had a drink in almost 3 weeks.  And a .006?  Wtf is that, half a sip of beer?  Whatever, because of the breathalyzer in my car I got out of it.  I'm gonna trust something that's calibrated once a month over something that nobody can tell me when it was last calibrated.
• The second day I was there I learned about the chores list.  It only took me 20 minutes to find someone who, for $20 a week, would do my chores.  This girl isn't cleaning a bathroom that 33 other people use....  Everything was good till yesterday when she got sent back to prison for pissing dirty again.  Damn it, there's $20 down the drain...  Funny thing is, they made her quit her job because she was using at work.  She's been stuck in the house for like 3 weeks and is still pissing dirty, which would indicate there are drugs being brought into the house.
• The house I live in is for non-violent offenders.  Two doors down are the violent offenders.  Girls from both houses are in and out all day long for their "group" meetings.  No doubt the drugs are being brought in that way because that's the only time nobody gets searched.  Kind of scary.  I'm not usually around when all this is going on.   I don't have to attend any groups because my assessment showed that I'm not likely to offend again and that (as I knew all along) I don't have an alcohol problem.  I have a following the rules when I drink problem....
• Speaking of rules...  These girls have a hard time following them.  I came in the other night around 11 and had to sit for 45 minutes while they searched one of the rooms.  They came down with 3 bags of contraband.  And by contraband, I mean food, cigarettes, phones and misc other items they're not allowed to have.
• No smoking on the property.  I've never seen the trash get taken out so many times a day so these chicks can get their smoke fix.  Where they're stashing their smokes and lighters, I have no idea.  I've had three lighters confiscated because I thought I got them out of my purse before I got in the car....
• Visitation days....  They're gut wrenching.  A bunch of women who only get to see their kids once a week.  Luckily I work both jobs on Saturday and Sunday so I'm just in and out during these times.  It's sad.  
• Speaking of not getting to see their kids.  Jordan took Evan for the entire 30 days I'm gone.  It's a long story, but whatever.  I've only gotten to see him once while I've been gone, last Sunday, Mother's Day, because my mom picked him up and brought him to my work.  I miss him :/  The other two have been in and out of my work, so I'm seeing them regularly.
• I have to pay them 25% of my gross earnings.  Ugh.  Nothing like working 80 hours a week and having to pay them for a cot that's an inch thick to sleep on. It's averaging out to be almost $400 every two weeks.... Ridiculous, but a small price to pay for not having to be in the place 24/7 listening to miserable, hopeless people....

So that's about it. I've got two weeks left in the place.  Two Wednesdays from now, at 8am, I'll run out that door and never look back.  I'll go pickup Evan and we'll spend days snuggling, because he's the best at it.  Josh will be jealous he can't stay and snuggle and has to go to work.  I can't wait.  Counting down the days until life can resume as normal.  We have two vacations coming up, one to Florida for 10 days and one to Put In Bay for Fourth of July weekend camping that I'm really looking forward to.  Time to get  back to me being me.  These 80 hours a week I'm spending working will finally feel like they're worth it when I'm laying on the beach sipping a drink with an umbrella....  I've got big plans world, watch out!!!

Life Is So Freaking Weird...

Bet you didn't think you'd see a post from me today. Truth is, I had a little spare time so I figured I'd do a little something. I've been trying to post through the app on my phone, but my posts are usually king of long and that's annoying.

Things have been, well, weird. Good weird, but weird all the same. Remember Josh?  Remember that whole fucked up situation that I wrote about on several occasions?    Mr. "me with a penis"?  Yep, him.  We're living together.  Actually we're seriously talking about getting engaged soon.  Weird how two people who have been doing this dumb shit to each other for over three years can decide to put that all aside and actually get along.  Fall in love even.  Back in I think it was August we started trying to do normal things.  Cook dinner together, hang out, all that "dating" crap.  It was nice to have him around because honestly I had not many prospects and I was tired of all the dumb shit with some of the other boys.  Every time we had one of those dates, I left feeling good about the situation, but by the next day it was just a memory.  We went back to each of us doing "us" and not really putting the effort in we should have been.  Of course it didn't work.  It actually got really out of control via text message and I sent him a scathing text with an attachment of the definition of a Sociopath.  That went over like a turd in a punchbowl for about a week.  He finally got up the courage to tell me that text message really opened his eyes.

Things have been great since then.  I can only imagine how he feels moving into my house.  At some points I can sympathize with the chaos.  He no longer wonders why I drink heavily sometimes....

His mother loves me.  He's totally freaked out by that.  I guess she hates everyone.  We've been doing stuff with his family and his parents actually invited us to go to Mexico with them in October.  That will be a fun getaway for us.  My parents, not so much.  You could pretty much say that I've severed myself from my family.  They were doing nothing for me but making me feel like shit about myself.  My kids still go over, but I don't really have any contact with them.   It's time to do what's best for me and my family, not everyone else.

I got in some more trouble back in September.  I don't think I wrote about it, but the long and the short is that I'm looking at doing 30 days in jail in April.  Yay me.  I'm still hoping that my lawyer will pull a miracle out of his ass because he's drinking buddies with the judge.  And I figure the more time that goes by maybe the punishment will be lessened.  Don't get me wrong, I did the crime, I'll do the time if that's what's needed, but who really wants to spend ANY time in jail, let alone 30 days. 

I've spent the last 4 months doing counseling and the other dumb shit they're making me do and it boils down to this (which unfortunately sucks) if you don't have insurance, nobody wants to do anything with you.  I actually had a counselor ask me if there was anyone I could marry that had insurance because I could get better care.  What.The.Fuck?  Who says that?  I don't need care.  I watch Intervention, I know what happens to people who drink all day every day.  I don't wake up and need a drink, in fact, most days, I don't even think about having a drink.  When I do have one, I can't just have one.  I can't just go out and have a couple and be social.  I drink to get drunk.  Maybe it's once in two weeks, maybe it's three times in a week.  Depends on how I feel really.  Depends on my mood.  Some days I feel more bipolar than other, which does affect my drinking. 

I've been working on controlling my mood swings though.  Some days it's hard to get out of bed, but it's not nearly as hard as it used to be.  I'm more in control these days.  Everyone has noticed I'm happier, even without all the drugs I refused to let them put me on.  Some days it's a front, some days it's genuine.  Just depends on the day I guess.  Each day I keep in mind that life is getting better by the day and I have someone who genuinely cares about me and wants to be with me.  Some days that's all that keeps me going.....

Karma Bitches, Karma...

So damn it, I'm typing this on my phone because my stupid desktop broke & I'm keeping up my end of the writing every week deal unlike some people (you know who you are).

I got a bit of good karma a couple of weeks ago. I wrote last year about my struggle with my youngest child's father and our custody battle that ultimately I lost out on. I've been good, following directions, picking up and dropping off on time & being as pleasant as possible while speaking to him and his bitch as little as humanly possible.

Things were getting weird over the last month though. Evan was spending an increasing amount of time with his aunt and grandmother. They were the ones picking him up and dropping him off at my house, not Jordan. And I wasn't making the hour and a half round trip to pick the kid up at his house hardly ever. Weird, but not alarming. Jordan is a lineman for an electrical contractor, so he works weird hours.

One day a few weeks ago Jordan's mom dropping Evan off and asked if we could talk. Based on our track record I was cringing inside. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Jordan's fiancé left him. I guess after four years of trying to change him into a bible toting family man she finally gave up. Heh.

Do I feel bad for my kid? Yes. He's three and he's ridiculously smart, so he knows what's going on. All of his "normal" at his dads house is gone. Now he's hustled here and there at all times of the day and night because of his dads work schedule. Sure he's with people that love him to death, but his sense of what's normal is gone.

The household once deemed unstable is now the only normal thing he can count on. If I didn't still owe my lawyer a bunch of money I'd fight to get the kid back full time, but I'm going to wait a bit and see how this all works out. Why? Because I'm not the vengeful, hating bitch that he wants me to be. Will I throw an "I told you so" in there whenever I can? Absolutely.

He was complaining the other day that he didn't have a sitter and couldn't go to work. Sucks being a single parent that works weird hours, doesn't it? He'll figure it out. In the meantime I'll just sit back and watch the drama between him & her unfold. We have quite a few mutual friends so I'm already hearing things.

The one thing that had me laughing my ass off was the other day, creeping her Facebook page, I noticed she got a job.... Selling dildos... I'm not sure what the bible says about masturbation and bondage but I'm fairly certain it's frowned upon by the church. Seriously? Out of all the jobs you could have gotten, this is what you chose? Awesome. I wonder if Jordan knows about all that?
Anywho.....karma bitches, karma. Treat people right because you never know when you'll need them to be on your side... I'm sure there will be a custody battle over the child they had together and I'll probably get called in on it. Maybe that's why he's being nice all the sudden....

Saturday Nights...

I have one day off every two weeks. Today was that day. Did I have a day full of cleaning, getting shit done then some relaxing? No. I might have folded a load of laundry around 7:30, but that was about it for productivity. I spent the day with Josh and his mother. Yeah Josh, the idiot who has given me nothing but grief for the last three years. Supposedly we're working on our relationship. It's more like we text each other when we're lonely, spend approximately 24 hours together then want to rip each others faces off with hatred. Since we were with his mom at a cookout today I was the buffer and no fighting happened. Awesome, I guess. I'm really still kind of whatever about he and I. Sure, we have history, we're both retardedly comfortable with each other and sometimes we get along. Most of the time we're complete assholes to each other. Ugh. Let's move on... After the cookout I attended the other Tara's 10th birthday party for her kid. It was nice to get a couple of hours to catch up with her since I don't get to see her very often these days. We work completely opposite schedules, so I pretty much don't see anyone anymore unless they come up to the bar. Most of the time that's ok with me, it keeps me out of all their drama, but it does at times, get lonely. I guess that's kind of what I'm left with tonight, loneliness.... Instead of going out with some of my friends from the bar, I decided to stay in. Besides that fact it's time to start scrounging the mortgage payment, I just didn't feel like dealing with anyone. Right about now is when I decide that was a sucky idea because I'm getting my second wind for the day (because this is my prime time being a night creature anymore) and I'm ridiculously bored. Catching up on Hell's Kitchen and cooking a meatloaf because it sounded good when they were making them on the show... Yep, retarded.... My oven doesn't even work right, but we'll see what happens. What else?? Oh yeah, I got to go to two concerts last week. The first one was Tuesday and was Mumford and Sons. I can't believe more people don't know them because they are pretty fucking awesome!! I wish I could post the video I took, but I have no idea how to do that on here. I probably would have to upload it to Youtube and then link it and I'm not quite that bored. If you don't know who they are, look them up. I took my friend Tyler because I couldn't find anyone else to go with me on such short notice (my date canceled last minute) and he's an awesome wingman. We actually play the part of brother and sister really freaking well, which works out awesome for both of us most of the time. This time was no different. He immediately honed in on a drunk girl with too many beers in her hands that needed assistance finding her friends who were up front.... Awesome. We led her right through thousands of people until we got about 6 rows deep from the front of the stage and couldn't get any further. Needless to say, the experience was pretty badass!!

I lost Tyler at the end of the show. He was too busy making out with the drunk chick and I had to pee. I headed up to the bar to have a drink while I was waiting on him and ran into a group of HOT guys offering to buy me a drink. Umm ok then. I spent the next two hours talking to one of them and dancing like two drunk retards. Good stuff. He called me on Wednesday and wanted to go out again, so we hit up the Tesla concert on Thursday. Good times. Next time I see him I'm gonna have to sneak a pic. He's totally outta my league... And older than I'd normally date, but I'm trying to expand my horizons... Something like that....

And now I gotta go because he just texted and wants me to meet him out... Hell yeah... We'll talk tomorrow because I have some other things to talk about that need their own post.

Yeah, Blonde

Since Josie commented on it and I just got it redone, I figured I'd post a fresh pic

Something different than the whole red thing...

Concerts-I'm A Lucky Girl...

Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows that I'm a concert junkie. So let's not talk about all the things in my head, let's talk about the fun shows I've been to lately...

June 4th-Red Hot Chili Peppers
Got mediocre seats in the presale & wasn't very happy about it..

Oh look, on the Blogger app, you can't insert pictures into your text.. Well that's fun...I guess we'll call this experimental mobile blogging with pics at the bottom...

July 11th-Summerland Tour, Gin Blossoms, Lit, Everclear, Marcy Playground & Sugar Ray. Ahh, $10 tickets and 3 drunk girls on the lawn with their driver.. Fun stuff, what I remember of it anyway...

July 13th-Sublime w/Rome & Cypress Hill.. This was a birthday concert with my friend D. Though I didn't do a Hit From The Bong, I did take a hit from the joint & ended up ridiculously fucked up. This girl was reminded why she doesn't mix drinking & smoking... Or perhaps why I don't smoke pot EVER..


July 18th-Offspring
I wanted to go to this concert, but I wasn't going to take off a closing shift AND pay for tickets, especially the day before I left for vacation. My friend Steph won tickets in a drawing. My boss gave me a pass to come in late and we went to the show. I can't even tell you how bad ass this show was...


July 26th-Sebastian Bach & Cinderella
I got off work at 7 and had no business going out this night, but a couple of friends stopped in the bar beforehand and coerced me into going.. Then as we were getting ready to hop in the car my friend Melissa pulled up & we kidnapped her straight from her car. We were under yet another threat of severe weather, so they moved the concert inside. I was not happy, but I had some other friends there, so we weaseled our way up with them and it ended up good. The picture with the guys with the kid and his arms up in the air is Sebastian Bach's kid. He was awesome!!

I guess that's been about it. Between vacation and all those concerts, I'm worn out!!