Confused Feelings

I was doing fine until Brandon walked in the door at the bar Monday night.  When I left after lunch that past Tuesday, I put him out of my head for the week.  He made it perfectly clear he wasn't interested in coming on vacation with me, which would have been great alone time away from both of our ridiculously hectic schedules,  so I was still a little miffed at all that.  I only talked him once while I was gone and ended up cussing him out because he was being all weird.  Duh asshole, this is your fault I'm here and you're not!!!  Ugh.

He and I have gotten to this weird point that I didn't think we'd ever get to.  Us hanging out was just supposed to be hanging out.  Hell, technically he's still married and neither of them have made any attempt to move forward in their divorce proceedings....  The whole thing with him has turned into so much more since we started hanging out in April.  There's a song lyric that explains all this perfectly, but I'm kind of at a loss for it right now.  I knew I shouldn't be getting involved with him, but who wants to go to bed alone every night?  Certainly not me.  We all know I sleep better if there's somebody there, whether sex is involved or not.  Most of the time with him, it's not.  I contribute that to the fact he's older and doesn't care so much about all of that, which is another sour point in our "relationship".  But then he came in and those blue eyes melted me.  He is my reality right now.  Well, he was until this past weekend... We'll get to that....  Maybe in the birthday party post.

Chip on the other hand, I feel like I've really gotten to know better since being on vacation and YES, our connection that we've always had via phone and text is just as intense in person.  Could that intensity carry over into our every day lives if he moves back here?  For awhile, I'm sure, but there is also this underlying volatility with the two of us, that at some point could be explosive.  I don't know how to even explain it.  I certainly don't want to be the reason he uproots his kid again and comes back home, but it seems that is what he's going to do, just to give us a chance.  We talk and text every day, all day long and it seems like a done deal, that he'll be back here by the last week in August.  I guess we'll just have to wait this out and see if things even themselves out at this point.  I mean, he's crazy, mad in love with me, just like Brandon is.  I'm just not sure if I see myself with either of them forever and I'm getting back into that phase where I want something more than casually seeing someone.  I'm ready to settle back down and have a decent home life, but I feel like every minute I waste with Mr. Wrong, I'm potentially shutting out Mr. Right....

I'm a hot mess about all of it right now.....