Since Laurie is Still Waiting....

On background from my "Ugh" post Monday, let me sum it all up.   Hmm, let's see, what happened last weekend???

Oh yeah, Friday was a decent day.  I took the day off at the day job to go and hang out at the radio station and see Tommy Davidson.  In Living Color was one of my favorite shows back in the day, so when I heard he was in town, I texted my buddy the dj and he told me to come in.  Of course this meant I had to be up almost as early as I get up for work, which sucked after not getting home from work until 3:30, but it's whatever.  Got to the station right before Tommy got there and it was a lot of fun.  I even got a hug and a thanks for coming in!!  They offered free tickets for the show that night, so of course I said hell yeah!  I didn't get my picture with him because I figured I'd just do it at the show.  I went home and slept most of the day, then got up and got ready for the show.  Brandon picked me up at 7 because we were supposed to go to a birthday party.  We get to the party and there's drama from the get go.  Brandon doesn't like a certain person and as soon as we walked in the door, that person was there.  We tried our best to avoid, Brandon because he was annoying, me because there may be some sexual past there that I don't really want to relive....  Finally after about an hour, we decide it's time to head on out to the show since it's on the other side of town.  As we're walking out the door, Josh is walking in.  Great.  Brandon mutters something along the lines of "Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to the show with him?"  I smack him in the side, roll my eyes and we make our way to the car.

I guess there wasn't a whole lot to say about the show.  I'm not sure who the opening comic was, but he was hilarious.  Tommy Davidson wasn't nearly as funny as he was at the radio station.  I was kind of disappointed.  Add that to the fact that we were sitting next to two people who weighed approximately 400lbs each and by the end I was a little annoyed.  I had one drink there and Brandon drank a bucket.  On the way out I was hoping Tommy would be outside to take pics, but sadly, he wasn't.  After some searching we managed to find the car.  Once we got in I looked at Brandon and asked him if he wanted me to drive.  He told me no, he was fine.  Ok then.  I'd seen Brandon drive normally after having way more, so I wasn't worried.  What did worry me was the fact that once we hit the freeway I was pretty convinced we'd never get back to our side of town.  Two accidental exits of the freeway in the ghetto had me pissed the fuck off.  Really?  Pay attention dude, I'm not trying to get shot being the only white people in a moderately decent car for miles....

We finally get back to our side of town and he asks me if I want to stop and have a drink.  No, no I did not.  I just wanted to be home where I didn't have to worry about anyone driving.  Shit, I am the WORST passenger ever.  We get back to the house and I promptly pass out.

I got up Saturday morning to go to my 8 HOUR remedial driving class...  What the fuck?  Just because a girl has 18 points on her license doesn't mean she doesn't know how to drive.  It just means that she makes bad decisions...  Jeez...  I DRIVE my ass all the way down there, because I'm a rebel and all...  I mean really, at this point, what's another 6 points on my license?  I get there along with about 10 other people only to find out that there is no teacher because it's a holiday weekend.  Great assholes, thanks....  I guess we all know what I'll be doing tomorrow....  Once that's done and I go pay 1 BILLION dollars, I can get my driving privs back.  That'll happen on Monday.

I decide since I'm up at the ungodly hour of 8am on a Saturday morning, I should probably do something, so I go and get groceries.  WallyWorld is definitely the place to be that early in the morning...  Got my $200 worth of food I won't touch and was out the door in about 30 minutes.  Awesome...  I get home, make the kids get all of the food out of the car and decide that's enough work for the day, I need a nap.  I mean I did work like 80 hours last week and all.  Getting like 4 consecutive hours would be absolute HEAVEN for me!  The kids come in at some point to say good-bye since they're off to Pennsylvania with my sister for Easter and I fall back asleep. 

For whatever reason I woke back up around 2.  I think the tv scared me out of my sleep or something.  I briefly wake up and decide to check Facebook to see what the rest of the world is doing while I sleep a beautiful Saturday afternoon away.  I scroll down a couple of posts on my phone and see it.  ":( got subpoena in the mail today."  Well shit, that puts a damper on my day....  I manage to roll myself out of bed and go check the mail.  Sure as shit there's a letter from the Franklin county prosecutor.  Ugh.  I was really hoping that the whole murder thing would resolve itself and none of us would be required to relive that again.  Not so much I guess...  I'm scheduled on Monday to be a standby witness.  Apparently I'm required to be with my phone the entire day and within a 20 minute trip to the courthouse should they decide to call me as a witness.  Great.  I call into the prosecutor's office immediately with my information that I'm required to give just to get it out of the way and then inspect the contents of the rest of my mail.

As if that wasn't enough of a damper, I get a letter from Title XX about my daycare renewal.  It seems that because I'm getting $200 a month in child support (which I'm not as of right now) that I make too much money and E has been kicked out of the program.  Fucking fabulous.  My daycare just went from $300 a month to $210 a WEEK.  FML.  What am I going to do about this?  I decide I'm not even dealing with it and see what else is in the mail.  It's not very often that I check it, mostly because there's nothing but depressing news in it (umm duh?  Just got a bunch!!) and find the final piece of FUCK YOU for the day.  Yet another letter from the BMV telling me how much I owe them to get my driving privs back.  Yes BMV, I know how much it is.  Can you please fuck off and not send me this shit every week??  Thanks...  This is all too much, so I throw it all on the floor and bury my head back under the covers for some more sleep. 

Well apparently sleep was not to be had, so I got up and made arrangements to go pickup E.  JoJo took him Friday night so I could do my class Saturday, so I needed to pick him up.  We met up at our favorite Mexican place and chatted while having a little dinner.  After that me and E were on our way home.  We hung out around the house, but it was pretty obvious that he was sleepy, so we called it a night around 8:30, which I was totally ok with......

Until I was woken up every hour having the same dream of someone coming into my room and  pulling a top hat down over my face, which in turn suffocated me to death....  Umm yeah, same dream over and over all night long.  Every time I perceived myself as being dead in the dream I'd shoot straight up in the bed.  Fun night.  I thought I'd gotten over that weeks ago.  Must have been the combination of getting the letter, nobody in my bed and lack of alcohol....  They've since subsided, but that was one rough night.

Needless to say I woke up Sunday not feeling the greatest.  E was ready to party, but I just wasn't feeling it.  I got him all dressed and ready to go with his dad.  I had emailed Jordan earlier in the week and told him he could have E for the day if he wanted because I had to work all day.  I figured that since the big kids were gone, I might as well work.  Once he left, I got my ass motivated and went to work for one of the most boring days ever.... 

After finishing up my day at the bar I went home and the big kids were finally back from PA.  E arrived shortly after.  We did nothing to celebrate Easter.  Yeah, perhaps I'm a bad parent.  I just really wasn't feeling it this year....  I gave both the big kids money and got the little guy a stuffed frog that, for whatever reason, he chews on.

Hmm, so I guess that's about it from last weekend.  Told you it was kind of depressing, but there ya have it.  Here's to hopes this weekend will be much better.  Work tonight, 8 hours of driving class tomorrow, directly followed by work, then who knows what I'll get into......  We'll see I guess....

Mini Me

So, if you're my friend on Facebook you read my drunk post at 1:30 this morning about Gavin quitting soccer last night.  Ugh.  I've never let one of my kids quit a sport in the middle of the season like this, but as miserable as he was, I really didn't feel like there was another option.  There's something about your kid walking to the car, head down, silently crying, drenched in sweat that broke my heart last night. 

This is my fault.  If I would have left him in the club that he was in and faced the fact that I had to pay $2,000 a year to keep him there with year round training instead of pushing him to another club where I thought he would be challenged, none of this would have ever happened.  I thought I was doing what was best for him since he was stuck in a rut with his other team.  Turns out maybe I should have left him there to figure out what he was going to do for himself because now he doesn't ever want to play again.  I'm just kind of beside myself right now with the whole thing.  I mean it's not like the kid is playing rec ball and isn't good at it.  We're talking almost 10 years of play outta the kid, 6 years of which he's played competitively in two of the top ranked clubs in the state.  Ugh.  I'm still at a loss for words with the kid.  I guess I just let it be for now and hope that he changes his mind eventually.  They've already started training for the high school team, so I'm getting on board with them in hopes that he'll change his mind and everything will be ok.  The talent that this kid has is surely going to be wasted if I don't try and do something for him....

 I'll miss moments like this....

Ugh...

I had a bad, bad weekend... Maybe we'll discuss subpoenas and shit like that tomorrow.  Right now I'm hungover and in the middle of an 18 hour workday....

3 In One Day?

Sounds dirty....  Lol.

I just don't feel like doing anything even remotely work related today, that's all....  I was perusing my picture file on my portable hard drive, which contains some 5,000+ pictures and reminiscing today I guess....  I really do have work to do.  Perhaps tomorrow it'll get done.  I guess that's a perk of having a job like I do.  Unless something is broken and needs immediate fixing, I can pretty much control my schedule.  Today is an A.D.D day, which is no good for actually getting anything in which I'm not totally interested in doing done...

Oh well, let's look at some pictures, from before I started blogging, shall we?

 Not my ass, but a nice one none the less.  5/09 Fall Out Boy after party my sister got us a VIP seating

This is how totally close I was to Pete Wentz that night.  I <3 him.

Me, Tara and Nicole WAAAYYYY back in the day...  We all look stoned... It's quite possible..

The only picture in existence of me and Jordan.  Yes, I know I'm a walking contradiction with my Penn State shirt and Ohio State hat.  I lost a bet...

My ridiculously long looking middle finger 8/08

Labor Day weekend 2008 where wigs were optional at the party lol...

 Judging by looking at Gavin in this picture, I was probably 20...

 Me and my oldest sister on vacation one year.  David Justice was still playing for the Indians, so you know it was a long time ago.  Probably 1998?

I'm going to have to leave off with this one because I'm still laughing hysterically.  This is me & my parents.  My mom looks pregnant, so it's got to be Christmas 1979... Fun shit....

Hmm, 3 very different posts today....  Multiple personalities making an appearance?  Perhaps...

My iPhone Is Depressed.. It's Making Me Laugh

Last four songs, I shit you not:

He Can Only Hold Her - Amy Winehouse
Bother-Stone Sour
Angel-Aerosmith
Bitches Ain't Shit-Dr. Dre/Snoop

Ahahahaha, nice.  Stupid phone.  Time to reshuffle I suppose.  Perhaps that will get it out of the mood it's in.  I swear, sometimes the thing knows exactly what to play to get to me and further enhance or deteriorate my mood.  Today it's got a mind of it's own.  There are a thousand songs on there and it's picking the weirdest shit.  I reshuffled and got:
Wanna Be A Baller-Lil Troy
Let My Clear My Throat-Dj Kool
What About Your Friends-TLC (Which I totally could have done without seeing as I'm still dealing with those pesky friend issues....)
Man In The Box-Alice In Chains

That's better I suppose.....

So with my last post, I had to dig into some other posts to see what I've disclosed here and there about various things and I was looking for the one post about me seeing the psychic and couldn't find anywhere that I had written it up.  Is it possible that I didn't talk about it at all?  I guess it is.  There has been so much going on that perhaps I forgot to talk about it.  Ok, I just found one reference where I said I'd talk about it, then didn't.  We're good to go...

Back in February my sister convinced me to go see her psychic friend Sharon and that she'd pay for it because she thought I'd really benefit from talking to someone.  That's Melissa for you.  A worrier by nature, who always wants to make sure everything is happy and peaceful.  I really didn't have an opinion one way or the other on things like this.  Do I believe in the paranormal?  Well yeah, kind of, I guess.  After the visit I was truly freaked out. 

Sharon agreed to do the reading at her house.  Melissa and I arrived and she asked me if I wanted her to come in.  Well yeah, duh, I'm not going in there alone.  This chick could quite possibly be a total crazy.  Melissa said she wanted to make sure because sometimes it could get pretty intense.  Umm yeah sister, please come in.  We went into the house and sat around and talked for awhile.  Then Sharon asked me what type of reading I would like.  She suggested the tarot cards.  I said ok and picked from one of the three decks she had in front of me.  It's been a few months since I did this, but I remember three of the cards that she pulled vividly because she was shocked she pulled them.  She did them in a circle, and I don't remember what it all signified, but here's the breakdown of the three major ones.


First off was this:

Man, wtf?

Lucky for me it was in the upright position, which meant:

Upright - The beginning of a new life. As a result of underlying circumstances transformation and change.  Major changes.  The end of a phase in life which has served its purpose.  Abrupt and complete change of circumstances, way of life and patterns of behaviour due to past events and actions.  Alterations.

See people?  I'm getting my shit together.  Believe it or not....

Another one I got?

Umm yeah....

ll Dignified or Reversed - Troubled partnerships and marriages.  Diminished forms of the above.  Broken engagements and contracts.  Sometimes, autism, learning disabilities or allergies.  Hyperactivity. Failure.  Arrogance. Relationship difficulties.  Vanity.  Hypersensitivity.  Misjudgement.  Delayed Happiness.

The other one, I forget now which card it was, but she asked me if I was involved with anyone who didn't live around here.  I said no and didn't give it a second thought.  She said Tara I know you are, are you lying because your sister is here and it's some kind of weird thing?  Umm no.  Really, I had no idea what she was talking about.  She says, Tara are you sure, someone you worked with at one time?  You're not thinking about this hard enough Tara.  He helps you out sometimes.  Fuck.  Ok then.  You got me.  Yeah, there is someone.  I don't even want to go into details about the rest of the conversation about this person.  It was just kind of an ugh feeling all around.

Toward the end of the reading she asked me if I had any questions for her.  I told her I didn't.  I'd heard enough for one afternoon.  She had hit a couple too many nerves at that point....  My sister pipes in with "Do you think my dad is going to live much longer?"  I replied with "Satan never dies" To which Sharon looked at me and smiled.  She politely told Melissa the same thing.  Melissa retorted with I can't see how you just don't make peace with him Tara.  I told her I have.  Sharron told her I have.  She told her that just because I don't get along with the man doesn't mean that I haven't made peace with him and accepted the situation for what it really is.  She's right.  I have.  She also went on to say that my real resentment was toward my mother.  Duh.  I think we all already know that.  She suggested that Melissa bring mom in sometime.  I didn't think that would ever happen at the time. 

Turns out Melissa ended up taking her about a month later.  Sharon got such a god awful feeling from her that she refused to read her.  Instead she did some sort of chakra realignment that was supposed to put her chi in order or some shit.  Obviously it didn't work seeing as she's being an even bigger bitch than normal.  I would really like to see her have a card reading though.  I think she would be SHOCKED to hear what the lady could say about her and her ways.....

A couple of days after the murders Melissa called me and said that Sharon wanted to talk to me immediately.  I told her I couldn't, I was too busy.  Truth was, I didn't want to hear what Sharon had to say about the whole thing.  I still haven't been back....

Was it a learning experience?  Yes, yes it was.  She was a cool chick that I felt like I was really in tune with. She reassured me that I needed to keep doing what I was doing, keeping my head down and plowing though life and that eventually it would get easier.  Most of all, she provided assurance to my sister, that despite what everyone thinks, I'm ok, and things are going to be ok, which is what SHE needed accomplished by taking me there.

P.S. I'm still waiting to meet Mr. Right... She said by the end of May I should have found him, lol!

Strikingly Similar

So, I'm going through my reader to see what everyone's got to say today and I come across Noelle Marie's post on having a commitment phobia.  Go ahead, read it real quick.  It's not long and I'll wait.....

Ok, we good now?  Great. Just an FYI, this is me in a nutshell.  With the exception of #4.  I'm confident in the fact that when I'm in a relationship I won't be betrayed.  As you can see from my previous experience with stalkers and boyfriends that JUST WON'T GO AWAY, that's not something I have to worry about.  I've never had a significant other cheat on me.  It's that **thing** that I have.  The one I've talked about before that attracts people to me.  It's also the thing that makes them not go away.  Magnetic personality.  I guess that's the best way to categorize it. 

Anywho, commitment phobia.  Yeah Noelle, I can identify.  I have one set of grandparents that have been together for 50 some odd years who merely tolerate each other at this point because, hello?  They're old and can you imagine dating in your 60's??  Each of my parents have been married 3 times and are miserable with their current marriages, but at the same time, they're in their 50's and 60's, do they want to start all over again?  Well no.  I guess it's just easier to wait it out and hope the someone dies sooner rather than later?  I mean my dad had been on that whole gonna die kick for like 9 years now.  My stepmom has to be pissed she's waiting all that out....  And I'm pissed that the Harley and tractor that I would eventually inherit are going to be sold of to take care of him in his incapacitated state...  Not really, I'm sure I was written out of his will long ago...

My stepdad has been sick for like 10 years now and I know my mom is resentful that she has to take care of him.  Is that what life ends up being?  Two people miserable waiting for the other to kick the bucket?  If that's the case, why would I want to be involved with anyone long-term?  Part of the reason I got rid of the ex-husband was that he gained like 50 lbs while we were married.  Why would I want spend the rest of my life with someone with such little regard for their personal appearance and health?  I mean really?  That just screams heart disease, diabetes, something....

Maybe that whole article just made me think about things more clearly.  It's not that I DON'T want to find Mr. Right.  It's that I don't want to make the mistake of settling down with Mr. Wrong.... Again.  Hell, I'm about to turn 33 in a couple of months and already have one failed marriage under my belt.  My mother was working on number 3 at my age.  Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but at the same time, I am deathly afraid of making the wrong decision again.  Every time I meet someone I start to look for the bad and pick the person apart and wonder why I'm wasting my time with them.  I mean hello???  I'm not getting any younger..... 

One of the things I have the advantage/disadvantage of seeing working at the bar is seeing everyone and their relationships or lack there of.  You have the miserable married people who come in without their significant other just as an escape.  Obviously they're married, I can see the ring on their finger.  Obviously they're miserable because of the amount of flirting they do with me and every other chick in the bar all night.  I often wonder why they stay with the person if they're that unhappy.  Maybe they're not as cut and run as I am.  There are others that slip their ring off before they walk in the bar.  Though it's common knowledge they're married, they don't wish to talk about it while they're drowning their sorrows.  My favorites are the married couples that come in together.  Most of them you can still see the chemistry at work through the witty banter they share over drinks, pool and keno.  Very rarely does a couple come in that you can tell that they don't want to be there together.  I suppose if that was the case, one would just leave the other at home.

Then there are the single people.  My bar is a magnet for the older crowd during the week.  When I say older, I mean mid 40's.  Not exactly old, but exactly the crowd I don't want to be in 10 years.  They are single and for the most part miserable.  I sit night after night and listen to them talk about how they can't seem to meet the right person and how they're pretty sure that they'll die alone (though they won't admit to this until 4 too many drinks).  This depresses me.  This makes me think of me in 10 years....  Ugh.  It would be easy to say, "Well, you're not going to meet someone hanging out in the bar every night."  But that's not the case.  I hear their trials and tribulations with online dating, personal matchmakers, other people setting them up and it failing, all of that.  I do the best I can to make suggestions, because well, that's what I feel like I'm supposed to do because they're laying it all out on the table for me to voice an opinion, but on the inside I'm like "Damn, this is going to be someday."  Fuck....

Ehh....

My high hopes for the weekend were kind of a letdown.  Sure I had a good weekend, I guess, but it wasn't like I expected it to be.  I must be getting old & lame.  Sure, that's what the problem is.....  Truth is, after that whole thing with my mom I was more than pissed off about everything.  What did I do?  I went on a self destructive drinking binge as usual.  I hit the bar immediately after work and was greeted by some of my favorite regulars as I entered the bar.  About two drinks later, Andy walks in as I'm getting ready to head out.  Andy refuses to drink alone, so I stay for a few more.  In reality I was hoping that another regular would walk in, one that I've been seeing off and on over the last month or so.  I found out later that we have our little guys on opposite weekends, so he wouldn't be around all weekend.  Oh well.  Andy buys several shots (because that's all he drinks) and I'm feeling good.  My plan is to get back to the house and get out of my work clothes and shower and get back to the bar before the band starts at 9.  I manage to make it out the door of the bar at 8:30 and walk home.

After I'm done getting ready, Brandon shows up to get me and we head back up to the bar.  I knew the band would be good, hell, they're my neighbors, so I hear them practice constantly.  It was a regular Friday night up there and I remember very little about the rest of the night because I had a goal of getting retardedly fucked up and I achieved it.  I did manage to get some action, which can I just say IT'S ABOUT FREAKING TIME....  Sure, it was mediocre, drunk sex, but at this point, it's all the same. 

Saturday morning I was supposed to be at the soccer fields across town at 7:20.  Brandon woke me up at 7:30.  Fuck.  Gavin and I grab everything and run out the door, making it to the field at 7:55 with 5 minutes to spare before game time.  What happened then?  They canceled the game because it was too muddy.  What.The.Fuck?  Of course I was pissed.  We turn around and head back home.  I call Brandon and he meets me back at the house and we crawl back into bed until I have to be at work at 1.

Work is uneventful.  Kind of what I needed after my excessive Friday night.  My plan was to get off work at 7, have a drink then head home to get ready for JoJo's birthday party.  Well, that didn't happen.  One of the other bartenders and I got into an involved conversation about how everyone thinks the both of us are sleeping with everyone else and how ridiculous that is seeing as neither of us are getting any on the regular.  Finally I had to call Brandon to come and get me so that I could stop home real quick and change clothes.

We arrived at the birthday party around 10.  I'm always a bit hesitant when I walk in somewhere with him.  Why?  Well, technically he's still married.  Realistically he's still in that "if she asks me to, I'll go back" mode.  She's the one that left him, so I always feel like I'm caught in weirdness with him.  Most people don't know she left him, so every so often there are those uncomfortable questions as to where his wife is.  Of course we run into some people he knows (clear across town mind you).  I conveniently make off to where my friends are before the weird introductions start.  That's when I see HIM across the room. 

Fucking Josh.  Seriously?  Every fucking weekend it's something with this dude.  He's seriously trying to cockblock me everywhere I go.  Annnnnnd he's successful.  Brandon is mad because I'm drunk and talking to Josh and leaves the bar.  I really wouldn't have cared other than the fact my purse was in his car.  Ugh.  Josh and I head to Waffle House, where he DOESN'T leave me this time.  Eventually we make it home.  Apparently I was too drunk for sex because I woke up fully clothed....  Bummer, if I wasn't going home with the boy I wanted to, I should have at least gotten some from the other one.  Oh well.  Such is life I suppose.... 

Sunday I get up and realize Brandon has my backpack and freak out.  The keys to my stepdad's truck are in it.  Great...  Then I look over on the dresser and see the keys.  Awesome.  Josh takes me back to the truck and goes on his merry way.  Fuck.  Why the hell won't he just go away?  This shit with him is getting downright ridiculous.  As much as I say I'm going to say no to him every time, I can't.  There's this massive guilt trip every time I see him or hear from him.  Believe me, I KNOW I shouldn't have anything to do with him.  He's a self-centered dick.  I know this, I just can't help it.......

A couple of pics from Saturday night.  Nothing spectacular, sorry :(

 Me and one of my fav outta town girls Sandy... We're retarded.  And for the record, if I ever decided to switch teams, I'd like a girls exactly like her, lol...

 Lol, bra shot....

Me & Tiff, you can actually get a sense as to how red my hair is in this one...

And Just Like That.....

She's back up and running.  Apparently I put my FUCK YOU, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT panties on this morning and I'm ready to go.  It's a huge weekend here as far as local bands are concerned on my side of town and I don't have Little E, so it's time to burn this place to the ground!  Of course I still have to be a responsible parent and have Gavin to soccer at 7:30 on the other side of town Saturday morning and work till 7 Saturday evening, but it's really whatever.  I don't even care at the moment.  It's gonna be a good weekend. 

Tonight my neighbor's band is playing at my work and I'm not working because of what happened last weekend with the whole not splitting tips thing.  Honestly, I hope they get their ass kicked and see what a valuable contribution I have made there on the weekend.   Whatever. 

Tomorrow night it's Lieutenant Dan's New Legs at JoJo's birthday party.  I <3 JoJo's birthdays.  She does it up ALMOST as hardcore as I do.  Two years ago I was passed out at the picnic table within an hour, took a nap and woke up ready to finish off the night.  I couldn't help it, my tolerance was low considering I had just had Little E two weeks before the party.  Last year I got ridiculously fucked up and apparently there are pictures of boobs.  Oops...  This year, well, I can't say that I'm probably be much better behaved.  Ok well I can promise no passing out.  I can't promise no boobs.  AND I'm really not going to promise that I'm not going home with some random that I find incredibly hot with my liquor goggles on.  Just sayin....  Lack of dick in my life is probably what most of my problem is right now and even though I'm hanging out with an assortment of interesting characters these days, I'm sure as shit not getting any from any of them.  That's ok though.  They're as fucked up as I am and I'd prefer we just kept it on a hang out level.  Adding nakedness to the mix would only create problems on down the line and more problems is the last thing I need.

Anywho, I'll leave you with some pics from last year's festivities, where for whatever reason my boobs look INCREDIBLY HUGE.  I was also like 20 lbs heavier, so that could have been the issue....  Have a great weekend peeps.  I'll be sure to take lots of pics of the train wreck is sure to happen.... Hopefully not to me....

JoJo.  The night kicked off with the shot luge.  Or as she called it, the shit luge.  

I thought I could do it better this way....

Us on the top of the skate ramp, aka the VIP section

Dancin bitches :)

Boobies looking extra large...  Mental note, raid closet for a shirt like this.  Increase odds of getting laid....

Pretty sure this is where the train de-railed.....  Woke up with that dollar in my bra....

Randomness 4/14/11

None of these things by themselves deserve their own post, so I'll just smash them all together and see what happens I guess.

For whatever reason, I'm exhausted this week.  I mean, I know why I'm exhausted.  Duh, I work all the time and frequently run on 2-3 hours of sleep.  It's been four months now, my body should be used to this shouldn't it?  The problem is, I need to be able to work more.  I know, I know, but we'll go into the reasons why in a minute.  They're very valid.  Well, in my head they are anyway....  I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, but I really don't see an end to this anytime soon.  Ugh. 

I went to court again yesterday.  This time for the drunken mishap with Josh.  Did we even talk about that?  You know, the one where he was drunk, I wasn't and I got pulled over and given another DUI, driving under suspension because I was 10 minutes outside of my driving privileges coming home from work and a speeding ticket?  Ok, well if we didn't, that's the story in a very tiny nutshell.  Anyway, I got that all worked out yesterday and since they dropped the driving under suspension, it won't be considered a violation of my probation and I don't have to spend 5 days in jail.  Yay right?  Not so much.  I had to plead guilty to the DUI even though I hadn't been drinking.  Ugh.  Without going into too much detail, because it is a LONG story, I chose not to fight it.  The long and the short of it is that eventually I probably could have gotten out of it, but I don't have the time, the money or the energy to deal with another $5,000 in legal fees and court dates.  Instead, since it happened before I was sentenced for my first one, this is considered a first time offense and I'll get off with the 3 days rehab and $500 fine and astronomically high car insurance FOREVER.  Such is life I suppose.  

My license is suspended until February of next year.  Yay me.  Damn, this post is turning into a one woman pity party.  I got my driving privileges back yesterday but can't use them.  How fun is that?  I have to pay the BMV $940 to be able to drive to and from work and all the kids stuff.  Great.  Because paying attorneys at least $500 every two weeks (this week it was $1000) AND paying my actual bills leaves a lot of money left over for that kind of crap.  Do you now see why I need to work more?  All I need is for someone to add like 6 hours to each day and I'd be good to go.  I mean really.  I could accomplish a lot in 6 hours.  Hell, I would use them to sleep so that I'm not falling asleep at my desk a few days a week.  Ideally I'd like to be working M-F 7-4 at Job 1 and M, W, F 5-2:30, then pickup a day shift Saturday or Sunday.  Like I said, ideally.  That's almost a 75 hour work week.

There's probably not really a need to mention the chaos that's going on in my house right now with me working all the time.  It's pretty much a wreck.  When I 'm not working I'm sleeping, so nothing ever gets done.  I'm considering hiring someone to come in and pretty much gut the place and get rid of everything that doesn't have a proper place.  What I really need is someone to manage my life for me.  So I can just go through the daily motions without thought and without constantly being stressed about what's going on at home, letting me concentrate on getting all this dumb shit out of the way so I can resume a somewhat normal life again.  Those of you who know me are scratching your head asking if I know what normal is.  You know what, I probably don't, but I know for sure this isn't it.  I'm thinking I'd like to be the person that I was right before I met the ex-husband.

The chick that had, at 24, just purchased her first home on her own and was going to use that big, expensive college degree to do great things so that her kids didn't have the shitty childhood that she did.  The chick who didn't really give a fuck about anything that didn't directly involve her or her family/close friends.  The chick who was happy.....  I really need to find her.  Anyone seen her lately?  I mean it's pretty apparent that the last two years of my life have forced me to pretty much rock bottom.  We can only go up from here right?  The problem is that I don't believe that.  Every time I think everything is getting back on track something stupid happens.  I'm discouraged by my stupidity in getting into the situations that I have, especially over the last 5 months.  This isn't me at all.  What is that thing that Brittney Spears has?  Shit, I can't think of the name now.  I need one of those.  You know, one of those people that protect you from yourself.  I almost shaved my entire head two nights ago just to demonstrate that I don't give a fuck about hair.  Who does that????  Ugh.

So yeah, this is where I'm at right now.....  At war with myself.....  Nobody will win this war....

Back when I was happy with pretty much everything....

Keep It Up....

This custody battle gets weirder by the week.  I had to go meet with E's attorney yesterday.  I was there for almost two hours, which probably pissed away my entire $500 retainer.  Ugh.  This now makes $500 a week that I'm putting out to lawyers.  Bullshit.... 

It was an informative meeting though.  I found out that Jordan has a new job and is currently working out of Dayton, which is approximately a two hour drive from his house?  Really?  No electrical companies in Columbus would hire a convicted drug dealer?  Hmmm....  Ok then.  This just furthers my case that even when E is in his care, he spends very little time with him, especially now with that kind of commute.  I suppose that means I'll be starting to get child support here soon.  The thing that sucks is they only give you the back support a little at a time, so it still fucks me over.  Oh well, I suppose...

The big bomb of the meeting?  His psycho bitch is pregnant.  All I can say to this is AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
.  What the fuck have you done asshole?  First you go buy a house with this psycho, now you're having a kid with her???  Good luck with that.  In two years when you're divorced, she takes the house and we both get every penny you make for child support, I'm gonna give you the finger and say "I told you she was a cunt."  Ugh, that word makes me cringe, but if there's one person that deserves that label, it's her. 

Other than that? It seems that, like other people who reach rock bottom, he has apparently found religion.  What the fuck?  He invited the lawyer to attend church with them.  Umm what?  I'm sure this is more brainwashing on the part of the cunt to make their family look more well rounded than mine.  Whatever.  She wasn't buying it for a minute dude.  When she goes to the house and sees a place where children live looking like a museum where nobody is allowed to touch anything, her opinion of the fact you're a weirdo will only be more solidified..... and that's cool with me.

I was straight forward with my answers to her ridiculously personal questions, she related to me and understood exactly how he's been fucking with me for the last year.  He'll be lucky to get every other weekend when this is all done.  Keep digging that hole deeper Jordan, I'll be laughing the entire time......

Speaking of laughing, I seemed to have turned a corner yesterday.  I was retardedly giddy all day.  On the manic upswing I guess.  Or it could have been that 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep with a hot boy curled up with me in my bed Sunday night.  You know, one of those ones I'm supposedly fucking.  Ok, well this one I might occasionally be fucking, but for the most part, it's not like that.  It's more of a neither of us want to sleep alone kind of thing I guess.  In any case, it really doesn't matter. Point blank, I sleep better with a body curled up next to me.  No night terrors, no repeats of the things that I've witnessed, nothing.  Nice, blank sleepy time.

Speaking of sleepy time.  It's about time for me to grab a lunchtime nap.  Last night I couldn't push assholes out of the bar fast enough and only ended up with like 2 1/2 hours of sleep.  Work is kind of sucking today, but I can't afford to waste any more vacation days, so I'm here.  If I get an hour now, I'll be good until I get home around 4:30, then I can sleep the evening away....  Such an exciting life I lead....

Apparently I'm Getting A TON Of Action....

And I'm not even aware of it.... 

Ahh, the life of working in a bar and being somewhat attractive.  Everybody thinks you're sleeping with everyone but them.  It's really pretty amusing to see the little tiffs the guys get into competing for my attention.  The reality of it all is that I'm seeing very little action these days, much to my chagrin....  Do I hang out with the regulars?  Well yeah, I'm currently seeing one of them regularly and there's another that if he wasn't so fucked up I'd be down with in a minute.  Other than that, it's my job to listen to people bitch and complain and give feedback when deemed appropriate.  Just because I do doesn't mean ya need to think I'm fucking them.  Just because they gave me a ride home at 3am instead of watching me walk the mile home (which I routinely do), doesn't mean I'm fucking them.  I don't even have the energy for the hot booty call I showed pics of a few posts ago, let alone the mediocrity that sits in the bar all week.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I'm for sure not my normal self....

Another 60ish hour work week and 2,000 mg of antibiotics per day, that leave me severely nauseated, certainly aren't helping the situation either.  I ended up missing 2 1/2 days of the daytime job last week, which as much as it sucked losing those vacation days, gave me time to sleep.  It also allowed me to gear up to work at the bar Friday and Saturday night, both of which were ridiculously busy.  I have $1000 in attorney fees for me and the baby due this week, so I had to rest up in order to get my ass to the job where I make the real money.  I came slightly short of the thousand, but I got paid at the day job, so I guess it's all good.  I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I'm pretty sure Jordan got fired from his job.  I didn't realize I wasn't getting child support for a few weeks because I didn't really miss the money.  It finally dawned on me when I got COBRA papers in the mail for the kid's medical insurance.  He wouldn't quit a job like that.  No college education and making $70,000 a year?  Yeah, people don't quit those kind of jobs.  A quick call to child support confirmed that he no longer had a job.  Great.  Not only is he refusing to pay his half of daycare, but I'm not getting the shitty $200 a month he pays in child support.  DICK.  I should be used to this kind of behavior, but I'm really not.  Ugh.


I think it's about time I get the fuck outta here for a few.  I went on Southwest today and repurchased my free flight that had expired.  Hell, $50 for a round trip ticket anywhere in the US?  Yeah, I'm down.  Now it's just managing jobs, kids and the absolute ZERO free time that I have to get outta here.  I'm gonna try to make it happen in the next month or so because if I don't, I'm going to snap.  Like a big, nice psychotic break, of which I don't need right now considering I'm in the middle of a custody battle.....

Having a FML Kind of Week

So the cooties that all the kids have had for the last couple of weeks have finally trickled down to me.  I worked an 18 hour day on Monday getting home at 2:30am.  By 3:30 I was up puking my guts out.  Ugh.  By 6:00 when I was supposed to get up for work I felt like death would be a good option at that point.  I knew it would be gone in 24 hours, but couple that with this sinus infection that I haven't been able to shake in months now and I was a hot mess.  To make things worse, I had this lump right on my waste line that was growing more painful and larger by the day.  GROSS!

Once I woke up, I decided that I should probably hit the urgent care and take care of all this before it really got to be a problem.  My immune system isn't great right now and the last thing I need is to miss more work.  Shit, I'm already down to like 8 vacation days left until the end of August.  If I use them all, that cuts out the fun I have all summer taking Fridays off and being retarded! 

The doctor at urgent care was not happy I was coming back there for the sinus infection.  Apparently I should be seeing my regular doctor for something like this that isn't going away.  Whatever, she put me on a different antibiotic for it.  More concerning to her was the lump.  As luck would have it, it's a staph infection that had to be drained.  Seriously, I've had three kids, two of which the epidural didn't work.  How painful could it possibly be?

It turned out to be very fucking painful.  They numbed up the area for the incision and besides the freaking needle burning like I was on fire, the incision didn't hurt.  What I didn't realize was that they have to poke a pair of scissors around in there and loosen everything up.  HOW FUCKING GROSS IS THAT?  Not to mention nothing on the inside of the incision was numbed.  Finally she decided to numb the inside because she was like an inch into my abdomen and still digging stuff out.  Super gross.  I was slightly concerned about how much blood I was losing during this procedure.  Every time her hand came back up with the gauze she was soaking everything up with, it was covered in blood.  Eww...

Finally she decided that she was going to pack the wound.  Something I've never had done before.  The assistant pulled out the packing strips and I just about had a heart attack when the doctor cut off like a 5 inch strip.  Holy crap!  She packed every bit of that strip into the wound and bandaged me up.  I kind of look retarded if my shirt doesn't go down over the area because there's like 3 inches of gauze and bandaging covering it up and I look excessively bloated on that side of my body. 

Today I had to put jeans on to come to work.  Ugh.  They're rubbing on it.  I'm thinking that I'll be wearing sweatpants to work at the bar tonight because every time I bend it's right on the incision.  Ugh.  Tomorrow I go in and she's going to check the packing.  I'm sure that will feel wonderful..... 

She gave me a different antibiotic for the staph infection.  The lady at the pharmacy looked at me like she might catch something just talking to me when I went to pick them up.  I asked if I could take them both at the same time and if there were any interactions with Vicodin seeing as I'd need some pain reliever because I was picking up Little E that night.  They told me no.  That was a lie.

As soon as I put Little E to bed last night, I took another round of meds plus a Vicodin 750, because yes, the kid kicked me right in the incision.  Ugh.  Turns out combining the three prescriptions gives you night terrors.  Holy shit.  I've never had such terrible vivid dreams in my entire life.  I don't even remember how many times I shot up out of bed last night, but damn, I'm tired today and glad that I didn't have any company last night....  Needless to say, I'll be taking a slightly different approach to my evening dose of medicine tonight and for the rest of the 10 days taking all of it....

The Magenta Mid-Life Crisis

As you can tell from my last post, I'm kind of in the dumps.  Ehh, it's whatever and it'll pass.  I'm just so discontent with all facets of my life right now that I feel BLAAAAAAH.  It's like, I work at least 60 hours a week, most weeks more like 70 and have absolutely nothing to show for it.  I'm not going out and having any fun.  I'm not buying any fun things.  Hell, Saturday afternoon was the first time that I spent any time with the big kids in like a month now...  I'm paying lawyers.  Yes, plural.  Mine and Evan's.  $500 every two weeks alternating to each of them.  Ugh.  It's no wonder I feel like a loony these days.

So yeah, I'm in a mood.  Gavin and I were at Walgreen's the other day and I was looking at hair color.  I've been severely neglecting my appearance other than tanning these last few months, so I figured it was time to do something to the mess on top of my head.  That faded ugly brown that I suppose is my normal hair color was starting to creep back in.  Not to mention the gray hair.  Ugh.  Yeah, there are some of them....  As with my normal disinterest in EVERYTHING these days, I let him choose the color.  He chose red.  Well, first he chose blond, but I just don't look good as a blond because my hair always turns this weird orangy color.  He got off that and went on to red.  I've been progressively going more and more red over the last 6 months or so, and I kind of like it.  This was RED RED though.  Fuck it.  It's just hair.  I bought it and we headed home.

I should start out by saying, if you ever see what's below while coloring your hair, you might want to stop before you even start.  Bad omen #1...

My bathroom looked like a murder scene by the time I got it all into my hair.  Brandon asked me if I was bleeding from my head somewhere....  Fun times....

The end result was this, which doesn't even do the color justice.  It looks red in this picture.  It's not.  It's magenta.... Pay no attention to those dark circles under my eyes, they're permanent anymore....

More like this, but even this doesn't do it justice...

I should probably care that I'm 32 and have hot pink hair right now.  My mother is mortified by it.  It really doesn't bother me.  I had to go over it a second time because there were still brown spots in it and it looked weird.  Dying it a second time made it even more pink.  Oh well, it's whatever.  I may decide to shave it all off tomorrow, who knows..  I do feel like I need a trendy lip or nose ring to go along with the hair, lol....

Kissing In The Rain

As with most of this side of the country, it's raining.  We're supposed to get torrential downpours, hail and all that fun stuff.  My hope is that it gets so bad that some of my shingles and siding blow off and I can get new, lol.  It's happened before and I was foolish enough to not get it taken care of, so here's to hoping it happens again.

The weather really doesn't matter one way or the other to me.  I'm working an 18 hour day today, so the fact that it's 70 degrees outside does absolutely nothing for me.  It's whatever I suppose.  My mood matches the weather unfortunately.  I'm not sure why, but it just does.  Ugh.  I've got another raging sinus infection and I just don't feel like I can get enough rest no matter how much I sleep.  It might be time for a doctor visit.  Maybe a physical.  It's been a few years....  I'm down about 15 lbs in the last couple of months, I would assume mostly due to stress, but who knows.  The way my head is pounding I think maybe I have a brain tumor or something.  I know, I know, that's not something you should actually say out loud, but when your forehead actually hurts to touch and you have the family history I do, sometimes it makes you wonder....  Yeah, maybe I'll make that doctor appointment...

Ugh, Debbie downer for sure...  I need a vacation.  I need sunshine and warmth.  I need my toes in the sand and a fruity drink with an umbrella.  Oh, what I wouldn't give for a couple days of all that right now.  HELLO BUELLER, COME BACK TO REALITY...  Damn it.  

I was just outside having a smoke and staring blankly out at the rain.  Anyone looking at me might have thought I was in some sort of catatonic state.  In reality I was thinking back to a few weeks ago.  Thinking about that kiss in the rain.  It was warm outside and raining hard, exactly like it is right now.  We were soaked walking back in from taking the trash out after a busy night at the bar.  He grabbed me and kissed me like I haven't been kissed in a long time.  Wow, damn.  Didn't see that one coming.  As far as I knew he was off limits.  Apparently I was wrong.  I've seen him outside of work a couple of times since then, but nothing that he could do will top that kiss in the rain.....

Being An April Fool

If you're my friend on Facebook, you already know the significance of this day.  The date?  April 1st, 2006.  I'd been out drinking with my friends because I have a boyfriend that works all the time and I'd rather not be alone.  I get back home and am watching a movie by myself with more than just a small buzz.  Ugh.  The boyfriend walks in and inquires as to what I'd been doing that evening as usual.  He knows what I was doing because there are still people sitting around the fire drinking down the street.  I'm not really interested in what he has to say, there is still tension between us from the weekend before. 

He had been ring shopping the previous weekend and came back with nothing he felt was worthy of showing his love to me.  Whatever dude.  I'm a pretty down to earth, simple kind of girl, we didn't need anything remarkable in the engagement ring department.  I mean, how hard could it be to pick out a ring?  Fuck, I could have went out right that minute and picked out one that would have been sufficient, but I was out of town that weekend and he was sure that he wanted to pick one out himself.  Ugh. 

I can tell you this.  I knew he wasn't my forever ever.  I knew that with all the baggage we both had in our lives that there was no way that it was going to work in the long run.  I'd already seen one violent outburst that I knew would happen again....  But hey, everyone else was getting married, so I guess I felt like I should too.  That was one point in my life where I wish I hadn't been a follower.  Because we all know I'm usually not.

After he got showered and crawled into bed, we were talking about our upcoming Vegas trip for his birthday.  It would be his second time out there and my 10th or so.  We were making a list of things he wanted to see while we were there, which I knew wouldn't happen, mostly because we're both degenerate gamblers.  I was happy he was at least trying to make an effort that night. 

At one point he went out to the kitchen and when he came back, he tossed a small box at me.  I caught and bobbled it like it was on fire and threw it back at him.  The words that came out of my mouth I remember like it was yesterday.  "Take that back fucker!  I know it's April Fool's Day!!!! I'm not falling for it!!"  He was a prankster like that and being as I already knew he didn't find a ring the previous weekend, I knew he was just messing with me.  He tried to assure me that it wasn't just an empty box and to just open it.  Eventually curiosity got the best of me and I opened it. 

It was perhaps the most stunning ring I'd ever seen.  Clearly something that was far too nice to be on my non-manicured, scratched up, because I actually have to do manual labor once in awhile, hand.  He had spent far too much on this and I knew it, but it was beautiful.  It was probably the nicest piece of jewelry I'll ever own. 

Right then and there we decided to get married the following month when we went to Vegas.  It was his second marriage and I really didn't want anything big, seeing as my sister had just gotten married that past October and it was a HUGE clusterfuck.  I called my mom and step-dad, who were already planning on going to Vegas with us and told them our plan.  They were more than happy to pay less than a thousand dollars for a wedding, pictures and dinner for the four of us at Delmonico afterward.

That trip was memorable for all the wrong reasons.  It was the first time I had ever rented a car in Vegas.  My step-dad and I arrived on a Wednesday because I had work to do with one of our salespeople out there which took about 20 minutes.  The rest of the day we gambled like tomorrow may never come.  I blew through my entire allotment of money for the weekend in less than 24 hours.  Ouch.  We got in the car and picked up my mom on Thursday, as she was arriving straight to Vegas from a convention in Mexico.  That was fun at McCarran...  Not.  Later that night we picked up the boyfriend, went downtown to get our marriage license and partied our faces off until early Saturday morning.  Good times with the parents indeed.  Saturday morning the boys had plans to play golf, so they set off in the car to the course.  Mom and I had some last minute things to do at the chapel and an appointment at the spa.  By 3:00 we were up in the hotel room getting ready.  The boys were nowhere to be found.  Umm, ok then.  We were getting married at 6 and the limo was picking us up at 5.  RIGHT HERE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD BE A DISASTER......

Oscar De La Hoya was fighting that night.  Traffic on the strip was gridlocked.   The guys had spent a little too much time at the clubhouse thinking they could get back with plenty of time to spare.  They were VERRRRY wrong.  They managed to make it back to Bally's, where my parents were staying, to get their clothes and hopped into a cab to come to NYNY where we were staying.  They arrived at NYNY at 4:55, both of them drunk and not in their wedding clothes.  The limo driver was calling saying he was there.  I was pissed.  They hurried up and got dressed and we headed downstairs.  The boyfriend had a retarded sunburn from his glasses.  Ugh.  Everyone gets in the limo and I look at the husband.  His tie is on completely crooked and his pants are unzipped.  Wtf?  He gets himself in order as we head to the chapel. 

The wedding took all of 8 minutes and even though we weren't married by Elvis, was just as cheesy.  I had a hard time not laughing on several occasions on what was supposed to be a serious moment in our lives.  All I could think about was how retarded the weekend had been already and how I'm getting married to a guy who was drunk at his own wedding.  All of our friends and families were watching the ceremony live via webcast, so I could only imagine what they were thinking. 

After we spent another hour baking in 90 degree weather taking pictures, we were off to Delmonico for dinner.  It was probably one of the best meals I've ever had, but then again, I don't get out to fine dining a whole lot.  After that we went back to the hotel to change clothes and gambled.  Nothing of note happened the rest of the trip, other than me losing a lot more of the husband's money....

We were married for just over two years.  It was probably the worst two years of my life.  Not because I was beaten or abused in any way, just because married life was not the life I wanted.  It was fairly obvious after just 6 months that it wasn't what either of us wanted.  I tried to make it work, he just picked up more hours at work so he was never home.  His kid hated me and I was stuck with him all the time, so it was pretty much horrible.  My kids suffered because there was constant turmoil in the house because of the other kid.  Then one day it happened.  He snapped.  If you've followed me for some length of time, you've read that story.  It wasn't the way I wanted things to end, but back when he had that first violent outburst when we were dating I told him that could never happen again, and it did.  I wasn't going back on the promise that I had made myself not to put up with that shit.  Marriage over.  I paid for the dissolution and in three months it was final.

I can't say that I'll never get married again, because hey, Mr. Right is out there, but I'll certainly never be an April Fool again....