Friends, Lovers and Stupid F**king Relationships

It should be obvious at this point if you've read my blog for long that I have problems with relationships... Both the friend kind and the intimate kind. Maybe it's because I'm such an inherently distrustful person. Maybe it's because I don't want to form those kinds of bonds with anyone. Hell, I just lost what was my best long distance friend because we decided to give it a go at a relationship and it didn't work out. Maybe we should have just stayed long distance friends, talking every day, bitching about our lives and things would still be ok between us. Maybe not, but now our once great relationship is now damaged probably beyond repair. For those of you not following, I kicked Chip out the week before Christmas. It felt shitty and still does, but I couldn't continue supporting a household of 6 on a bartender salary. It was miserable. If I'm gonna be miserable, I'd rather be alone and miserable. It's been rough, I'm not gonna lie. I had love for that boy. I still do, truth be told, but it's just not right and probably never will be. At some point I suppose I'll feel better about all of it. Just not right now. I fell back on all of that by hanging out with Nicole more. Trying to make sense of all of it and how it all went bad. Her, being incapable of having a normal relationship herself, wasn't much help, but at least I had someone to hang out with. Part of my problem these days is that I don't want to be alone... Ever... Kind of weird considering I was once the person who didn't need anyone, ever. Over the last few weeks I've been hanging out with one of my regulars, who I really like, but it's complicated and something I don't want to really get into. I've also been hanging out with Josh and Brandon, but just hanging out. No sex or anything, just company. Last Sunday I was hanging out with Josh after Nicole pissed me off so bad I almost punched her in my place of work Saturday night and I showed him a picture of us at Sexapalooza the day before. He laughed and pulled out his phone and showed me the same picture that she had sent him. WHAT.THE.FUCK???? Nicole, the same girl that was living with my ex-husband for like 6 months, was trying to get with MY Josh. That fucking whorebag. Even if I hadn't been pissed off the night before, I was ready to shoot death beams out of my eyes at her now. I can't even explain how betrayed by her I feel right now. I used to consider her my #2 best friend, but I kept hearing things that she was doing, only I didn't believe them. After I read the texts on Josh's phone, I confirmed what a whore she really is. I mean, who does that???? Who goes around sniffing after their best friend's sloppy seconds? Apparently this bitch! Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean, in my head it's just not right. I would NEVER try and get with someone like that. I let the ex-husband thing go, because, well, that was all really over. I didn't like it, but I didn't say anything about it. When Chip said she was all over him when we were at the casino, I was a little leery about the whole thing, then I hear this with Josh. Seriously people, I need input on this because I haven't spoken to her in a week and have no intention of doing so any time in the near future because of not only this, but all the lying about everything that she does. I'm so over it all with her. Other relationship noteworthy news, the other Tara and Mike got engaged at Christmas. Now she hangs out even less with me, probably because it was a condition for getting the ring, so I'm kind of down about that too. Where are all the good people? The friends that have your back through ANYTHING, the men in your life who are supposed to be with you forever. Where did they go? I mean, I'll go down for one of my friends, but it kind of hurts when everyone just kind of bails out on you after you've been through so much.....

Well Hello 2012.....

It's been another month that's come and gone without a post. Again, I apologize. There really hasn't been too much to post lately. I mean last time I wrote about being depressed and blah, blah, blah.... Right now? Well I guess I'm a little bit better. New year, new me right? Well that's what I'm hoping for.... Or at least maybe a year without all the death and that shit that I went through last year... Two weeks into the new year and I think things are gonna be alright. I'm dealing with some difficult friend issues that I'll go into detail on another post which have got me a little down, but it'll be ok because over the last year working at the bar, I've found that I've made some wonderful new friends. I had a job interview last week for a job with the state. It's a little less money than I'd like to be making, but the benefits would be pretty freaking sweet, so I'm down with it. I got the call on Monday that they were holding interviews on Friday. The lady apologized for it being two months after I had filled out the application and asked if I was still looking. Of course I am, so I set up an interview for Friday morning and started stressing out immediately. I haven't interviewed for a job in 13 years..... I've interviewed people for jobs, but not been the interviewee.... Ugh. I talk to some of my regulars at the bar and they assure me that I can do it. I feel a little better. Thursday night it starts raining, then snowing and the roads get bad. Ugh. My interview was downtown at 9:45. Not the place you want to be when there's bad weather. I find a place to park and head into the building in which I would be working if I got this job. It's a beautiful, huge building and I get lost like three times before I finally find where I'm supposed to be. I make it into the office with like 5 minutes to spare and prepare myself. I'm greeted by a nice older gentleman and am led to a room with 5 other people sitting behind a table. I can feel my blood pressure rising as I sit my coat down and take the only empty seat in the room. They go around the table and introduce themselves. I'm at a loss as to who all of them were at this point, but basically it was anyone in the office with the title Director. I've never interviewed in front of 6 people at once. They kept me in there for an hour not only grilling me about my technical expertise, but all the requisite other questions about my goals and aspirations. After it was all over with, they all thanked me and let me know that they would be making phone calls to those who would move on to the next round of interviews in two weeks. I've still got a week to wait..... Ugh. Hmm, what else.... Oh yeah, the "relationship" part of my life..... Ok, let's put all that in another post because it's gonna be a long one.....