In About 24 Hours......

I will be taking this once upon a time goofy looking, big eared chubby toddler to the airport to head approximately 12,000 miles away from his mom.... Ugh.

I was going to say something about him being not so goofy looking anymore, then I ran across this picture and decided he's still a little goofy looking and still has kind of big ears.... For the record, neither of these things came from my half of the gene pool. 

I'm already a mix of anxious and worried about the trip.  I mean like I said before, neither of my big kids have ever been away from me for more than a week and never without a family member of some sort present.  It's always been pretty much just me and them.  I know, I know, he's being left in capable hands, but he's only one of two kids not making the trip with a parent.  There's where my guilt comes in.  Truth is, even if I could have afforded to go, I probably would have acted like I couldn't just because of my irrational fear of international travel.  I did not however project this fear I have onto my child, therefore he isn't worried about things like being kidnapped and sold into slavery.  He's worried about how nice his room will be at the hostel and if 300 yards is really that long of a walk from their hostel to the beach.  Exactly the things a 13 year old should be worried about. 

We did sit down last night and have a serious talk about all the do's and dont's of the trip and what to do if there is an emergency, all of that.  I'm confident that out of the two big kids, this is the one I can trust to be responsible while not with me.  Plus, the coach already threatened to send him home early if there were problems, that always helps...

So that's that.  Tomorrow he will come to work with me, we'll go have lunch and it's off to the airport.  I hope he takes a million and one pictures and has the time of his life.....

More later, I didn't want to mash it all up into one post....

I'm Just Blah

But I figured since I haven't said anything in like a week, I should post something.  There are more pictures up on the Flickr site if you're interested.  There are also a bunch more that I haven't approved yet, so they'll be coming out soon.  This one is probably my favorite one out of this shoot so far and it's not published on the main feed

Other than that, I just completed a 70something hour work week and I'm beginning another one.  Sadly, this has become my life.  I know that there is a means to an end here, but I'm having a hard time seeing it these days.  Vacation is only two weeks away and Gavin heads to Spain in a week and a half.  Yay, I guess.  The sad thing is, I'm not even excited about visiting my favorite place.  Perhaps that will change once I get there and can relax a bit.  I'm not really sure anymore.  Something's missing and I can't pinpoint it.....

I went to court last week for the whole incident with Josh in February.  Same deal as the first time around.  3 days in rehab (which if I even talked about it was like a vacation when you work like I do and have kids) and a $300 fine.  Whoopty doo.  It's over, even though I can't get my license back fully until next February.  Whatever.  I don't even care about not being able to drive anymore.  See a theme here?  I don't care about much of anything these days.

This week it's back to court so I can pay my lawyer another $500 for nothing to be accomplished in my child custody case.  Seriously, I wish that dumb bitch would hurry up and have their baby so maybe Jordan will get off my ass about Evan.  It's ridiculous. 

I guess that's about it right now.  Sorry I don't have more interesting things to talk about, but it kind of is what it is right now.  I'm not sleeping enough to form coherent thoughts right now, let alone write a blog post worthy of much attention.  Hopefully soon and I don't lose all of you by before then. 

People Should Probably Pay Me For This.....

No, there weren't any nude pics, but I'm pretty sure some of my closest guy friends will be spanking it to visions of me for awhile.  Awesome.  As long as they don't tell me about it.....  I only have a few of the pics as of right now, but I wanted you guys to be some of the first to see them.  Maybe I should be charging for this... LOL.  Now that's how I can pay for the rest of Gavin's trip to Spain!!  Whatevs, hit the tip jar if ya feel the need.  If you're not comfortable with nudity, you should probably close the page now.....

Out of the three, I like the last on the least.  I feel like I look jiggly in it.  Yuck.  Plus my ass got all wet sitting in the stream.  Then a snake came slithering through the water and freaked me out, so umm yeah.... Freaky!  Oh well, the sacrifices ya make to get the shot right?  If you want the more tame ones that are already available for public consumption, you can go here. I'm at the top of his feed right now, and all the old ones are in a photo album on the right hand side with my name on it.  Hopefully they'll all get into that album here soon.  I'm in the process of sorting through the more risque pics right now trying to decide what I want out there for people to see, or more likely which people I want to see them where... 

Happy Monday peeps!

So.....

I took down my post from the other day.  First of all to those of you who emailed me or commented asking if I'd truly gone off the deep end, I can assure you, I have not.  It's just been a long time coming that I was truly at my best back then and I miss it.  That's all.  I took down the post, because...  well honestly, I don't know why I took it down.  I just did.  I didn't have a change of heart or anything and I haven't gotten that phone call yet, so I guess we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it, because yes, there will be MANY consequences in any decision I make regarding him.

In other news, something else I've gotten a few emails on, Tattoo Guy, who you can read about me meeting here and here.  Of course the shop he works in was the one that was trading memorabilia for tattoos.  I can't say that I ever saw an OSU player in there, but I did see the tattoo that he was doing for one of the players the day after I was in the shop.  It was a pretty sweet one, but I have no idea what player got it or how they paid for it.  That shit was none of my business.  As far as the other things that were going on there, I had no knowledge of any of that, other than that Tattoo Guy liked to smoke pot.  I never saw anything of that kind going on in the place, but it stands to reason that in a subculture like that there are going to be drugs.  Somebody please show me credible evidence otherwise....  Anyway, I haven't had any contact with Tattoo Guy in well over a year, so I have no idea of his involvement with any of it.

What else?  Hmm...  Well, 25 days till vacation, YAY...  Also 21 days until I ship Gavin off to Spain.  Not so YAY.  Mini me leaving the nest to go abroad.  Ugh.  I think I might need to take some of his Prozac for a bit.  It'll be fine, I'm sure, it's just a long way away for a kid who's never really been away from home, let alone with complete strangers.  His passport still isn't here.  That's kind of freaking me out a bit.  Tonight we're going through the list of things he needs to take and seeing what we still need to get, so that should be fun. 


I was totally thinking I had something important to talk about, but 3 hours sleep isn't quite letting my brain work properly, so if I think of it I'll post it tomorrow or something....

P.S. Oh yeah, I'm doing a photo shoot this weekend.  That should be interesting.....

Are we seeing a trend here?  Why yes, we are.  We're seeing my legs get nice and tan as I worship the sun gods more and more regularly.  Someday I'm gonna be 90 and pissed off that my skin is like leather.  Ha, who am I kidding?  I'll be lucky to make it to 50.  My thighs look kinda fat in this picture.  Ugh.  They're really not, I swear.  My kids make fun of me when I wear shorts and tennis shoes because it looks like my shoes are swallowing my legs.  I can get my hand all the way around them and then some at the bottom.... Actually my run ragged lifestyle these days has caused me to drop a bit of weight, which I always think is a good thing.  The other Tara says I'm starting to look like a crackhead.  Awesome.  She'd rather see me posing like this

Letting out my inner fat kid.  Yes, that's a huge chunk off of a loaf of fresh french bread.  Yum.  Pay no attention that I look like crap.  I was using the bread to soak up some of the alcohol and retardedness of the weekend yesterday.  Let's just say that having 3 full days off work is not a good thing for me.  I pretty much partied myself stupid and was reminded why Nicole and I don't hang out very often.  Dear Jesus we're a trainwreck. 

Friday started off with a bang.  Specifically Tara crashing into my room at 7:00 jumping on my bed and telling me to get the fuck up, it was yard sale time.  Ugh.  I wanted to stay in bed.  Brandon didn't have to be at work until 11, so I just wanted to stay there curled up and content.  Instead I rolled out of bed, made him get up and help me drag all my useless shit down to Aprils for the annual hood yard sale.  In hindsight, I'm glad we got up.  I ended up making like $200 for my stuff, which was good because when I finally opened the last month's worth of mail yesterday I saw that I now owe my lawyer another $1200.  Fabulous.... 

It was a long day, capped off by a makeup baseball game for the kids and by the time I got back to the hood, everyone was wasted and ready to go home.  Nicole and I had other plans though, so it was all good.  I was serving as her wingman for the night.

See, something weird was brewing.  Nicole's ex has a really good friend, Mike.  In fact they might be best friends.  It's not uncommon for all of the soccer coaches (these two included) to hang out at Nicole's place of employment, but lately Mike has been hanging out there more than usual and he's been texting her wanting to hang out.  Weird.  We wanted to know what his ulterior motive was, so she invited him out on Friday night.

By the time he got there we were both well on our way to drunk.  We had discussed before we got drunk that I found him totally fuckable and would probably take advantage if the opportunity arose.  She gave me her blessing on that one.  He and I have had this weird "I'm totally checking you out" thing going on at the soccer fields for quite some time, but we've never actually met. 

Once he walked in and we were introduced, he was all about talking to me.  Awesome.  I can pry as to why he's trying to hang out with Nicole and perhaps get some action in the process....  I could use a bit of variety right now.  Things on the sex front have been downright BORING lately.  We'll get into that maybe another time. 

After chatting with him for awhile he decides it's time to go.  He doesn't live close and has to be up early the next morning, but asks me to walk out to the car with him.  I see this as my opportunity to see why he's trying to mess with Nicole, so I say ok.  I don't even remember what we talked about when I went out to the car.  In fact, there might not have been any talking at all because as soon as we walked up to his car his tongue was down my throat.  Awesome.  I believe I tried to convince him to come back in the bar and come home with me and Nicole, but he declined, gave me his number and told me he'd text me Saturday.  He leaves and I go back into the bar to get Nicole.  For whatever reason we decided it would be a good idea to walk home.  Eventually we get there and pass out.

Saturday morning greeted me the same as Friday morning.  Tara storming into my room.  I was still drunk and paid little Brandon $10 to do whatever she asked so I could sleep until we had to leave for baseball.  By the time we got done with baseball they were shutting down the yard sale.  Mike had texted me no less than 20 times that morning trying to hang out that night.  Umm ok then.  Nicole and I had absolutely no motivation to get ready and pretty much spent the 2nd half of the day napping and laying around.  Finally at 9 we decided to motivate and go out.  She sends some messages and finds out where everyone is.  Turns out it's a bar that I've never been to, but Nicole knows reasonably well.  Ok then.  We call the cabbie and are off. 

I had told Mike we were going someplace else earlier and when I text him that plans have changed, he's happy because it's closer for him to go to the new place.  He's still kind of noncommittal about coming and I tell him whatever, thinking that the dudes in the bar were plentiful and if I really wanted to get some action it wouldn't be a problem.  About an hour later I look up and see him smiling at me from across the bar.  Ha, sucker.  I walk over and get him to come over to our side of the bar and Nicole just looks at me like WTF?  I shrug my shoulders and we continue our drinking. 

Randomly Brandon texts me and asks me if I'll stay at his house when I'm done hanging out with my friends.  Ugh.  Umm... No?  The whole thing was just weird.  He has his kids this weekend and I'm still that dirty little secret, so I was confused as to why he would ask me that.  After a couple of texts back and forth ending in me telling him that I didn't think drunk at 1am would be how I would want to meet the children, I get back to the business at hand and leave the bar with Mike.

See what I did here?  I'm pushing Brandon away.  Though hanging out with him all the time is nice and I really would like to settle down and live a semi-normal life, I just can't see myself doing it.  Especially with him.  I mean 6 kids between the two of us?  Ugh.  We all know that I don't even like my own kids that much sometimes, so I'm doubting that I could handle 3 more.  Plus my house couldn't accommodate 4 more people, even if it was only part-time.  Ugh.  I'm really still kind of up in the air right now about the whole situation.  I like being single and doing what I want, but I also want someone around, so it's really me that's the problem with this whole thing.  Oh well....

Anyway, Sunday I rolled out out of bed and decided to head over to the waterpark with the big kids.  Mom took E seeing as he still has the cast on his arm and keeping him away from the water would be impossible.  It was fun.  We got home and I did some stuff around the house waiting for Brandon to get there after he dropped the kids off.  We ended up going out last night and he was picking at me the entire time.  Across the bar I'm staring at one I let go because I thought Brandon was a better match for me...  Now I'm wondering if that was the right decision.....