Where Did We Leave Off?

Oh yeah, Sunday morning.  Tara and I ate our greasy scrambled eggs and bacon while chattering about the night before.  As I've said, Tara has fallen for Mike hard.  They make out like high school kids all the time and have a hard time keeping their hands off each other.  To be quite honest?  They make me incredibly uncomfortable, especially since it's never just me and her hanging out anymore.  But, I'm a good friend, so to each his own. 

While we're having breakfast, Mike is constantly texting Tara.  I'm annoyed because it's obvious he and Tattoo Guy are talking about stuff, which makes Tara grill me even harder.  Fine, do you really wanna hear it Tara?  I had incredibly hot sex with this dude last night.  Like REALLLLLLLY incredible.  Then I get all the standard questions that girls ask other girls about guys.  I'm giggling about all of it.  She asks if I'm going to call him.  I tell her no, it was what it was and that was it. She laughs and continues texting Mike.

If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now.  Call me fucked up or whatever, this is how it is for me.  Sex is just sex.  It's not emotional, it's physical.  It's something that I physically need to balance my emotional state, lol.  I don't associate it with love, romance, whatever you want to call all of that.  I know that's not the typical girly thing to say, but I tend to think more like a guy in this aspect.  You can refrain from commenting about this.

After breakfast Tara drops me off at the house and I continue putting together my new bookshelf that I bought to put my tv on.  I want to put a small couch in my bedroom and the only way to accomplish this is to get rid of the ex's massive entertainment center.  My mind keeps wandering back to that piece of paper sitting by the bed.  Why am I even entertaining the thought of texing him?  Because I find him fascinating.  Plumber by day, tattoo artist by night.  Single dad with full custody of his kids, who are a little older than my two oldest.  There's just something about him.......  Well shit.... I ended up texting him that evening.

I HATE talking on the phone.  He texts me back and tells me he's been thinking about me all day, that there's something about me...  FUCK.  We text back and forth all evening.  Monday rolls around and I don't hear from him all day.  Ok cool, he backed off.  Monday night I get a text saying that he hopes that I had a good day and maybe he could see me again before I go on vacation.  My dumbass response?  Can I see you tonight?  I didn't think he would say yes.  We were in the middle of another huge snowstorm and the roads were really bad.  Within an hour, he's at my house and we're having drinks and watching tv.  I figure it out.  It's his eyes.  I've always been a sucker for some baby blues and his are really blue with green in the middle.

4:45am rolled around all too soon and he had to leave for work.  I didn't end up heading to work until around 10 because daycare had a delayed opening.  Sweet.  I was tired.  I get a text later that day telling me he enjoyed hanging out with me and told me I'm beautiful.  I tell him I had a good time too, but he can stop with the compliments, it's not going to get him anywhere.  I hate getting compliments.  They make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  It's just one of those things I have a hard time accepting.  I just don't know what to say.  Nobody's ever beaten me down and said I was ugly or anything.  It's just one of those things I guess.

He's sad that I tell him not to compliment me.  He asks when we can hang out again.  I hesitate.  Tara said that Mike told him that I've got a guy who's not around alot of the time, so I was just looking to have some fun..... Or so I thought. 

I tell him it'll be about a month before I can see him again.  He asks why?  I finally tell him in a round about way about Kyle.  He's pissed.  Apparently Mike didn't tell him what we thought he did.  In less than a week I've managed to break this guy's heart.  Yeah, that's what he said.  I feel horrible because I genuinely like this guy and could see myself with him if I didn't already have what I've got going on.  I manage to get him to come over after work so that I can explain the situation.  He doesn't want to come in second to anyone.  It's all or nothing.  I can't wrap my mind around all this.  I can't ditch Kyle, who's been there for me through some major shit over the last 9 months, for this guy who I barely know, even though we have this amazing connection.  Who's to say that in a month he'd still be there?  I'm in the middle of a retarded paternity mess, which anytime now is going to result in a child custody mess.  I wouldn't want to be seeing someone who was dealing with all that right out of the gate.  Kyle?  Well he accepts all of it.  He doesn't judge me or the things I've done.  That's what makes he and I work.  Taking a chance with a new one right now?  No, I can't do that.  I owe Kyle more than that.  I may do dumb shit when he's not home, but when he's here, I give him every spare second of time I have.

Tattoo left Tuesday night and I haven't heard from since.  I can't help but thinking in a different place and time, that could have all worked out........