Wow, two posts in one day.... Aren't y'all lucky? Not really, I just don't have much to do at work today and a lot on my mind. I have no clue which one it is, the Prednisone or the Wellbutrin, but I haven't slept more than 3 hours at a time in over a week now. Something's gotta give. I'm such a bitch, it's no wonder Josh is always mad at me. In other news, the Prednisone has done its job and my skin looks fucking great! Too bad I'm at the weening off stage and it'll all come back here soon. Oh well.
So, Nick is back in town and true to his word, he called. Actually he keeps calling me. Always polite conversation about how the kids are doing or how I'm doing, nothing too major, until last night. Apparently he had a really bad day yesterday and needed to say everything he ever wanted to say to me to see how I would react. I didn't react of course, which took him by surprise. He knew the old Tara. The one who had feelings and emotions and acted appropriately toward any given situation. Current Tara does not act this way. Actually most times, my reaction is completely inappropriate for any given situation. Medicated Tara's give a fuck meter is broken. Sorry about his luck.
So what did I do? I asked him the same question I've been asking all the long. What do you want from me? I get an "I want my family back and will do anything to make that happen." Well fuck. I told him the chances of he and I ever being anything again were slim to none. He seemed ok with that. He's more worried about the kids all the sudden and being part of their lives. I calmly told him that there was no way in hell that I would let the kids spend any time with him outside of maybe a casual meeting somewhere public until he could show me that he had his life together, which he currently doesn't. He gave me the whole "so it boils down to the fact you want money from me?" "Yes," I said. It does. $54,000 in child support is no joke to me. That is money that I could have had to make my life easier the last 14 years. Don't get me wrong, I have never held the kids ransom over this money, it was his choice to stay out of their lives, but I'm tired of doing it all by myself and having him skate through life.
His friends are convinced that I'm setting him up and that as soon as I get him somewhere public with me that the police will come and arrest him. This isn't the case. For whatever reason (maybe the medication) I'm not angry about the situation between him and I anymore. I can see just by talking to him that he has hit rock bottom. He has nothing, he is nothing. We were all he ever had and he needs a piece of that to get on with his life at this point. I'm going to be flexible here and try to work with him and get him where he needs to be, but only under my conditions. He knows what those conditions are and said that he will abide by the conditions if I come out and meet him one night this weekend in person to talk. I hold the upper hand here and he knows it. One false move and I know where he lives and can send the cops to do 30 days in jail. Truth is though, if he's gonna actually do something for me, he's worth more to me on the street than in jail.
I'm going to meet up with him and see what's going on. I'll keep y'all posted on what happens......
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Bikini?
Oh, I see how it is... I've got all the guys attention now, right? Good, that's exactly what I wanted. Keep reading....
So, the night I broke my wrist, Josh and I were at a party. I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but in the grand scheme of things, if we would have stayed at the party, I wouldn't have broken my wrist. Whatever.... I met Josh there because I had to take Gavin to a party on the other side of town. I knew we might go out later that night, so I was dressed kind of nice, just in case. When I pulled down the long driveway to the party, I was greeted by a bunch of late 20somethings playing.... kickball. I didn't know there would be kickball, so I obviously wasn't dressed for the sport, so I sat and watched until they were all too drunk to care about playing anymore. They all decided it was time to get into the pool. Oops, thanks for telling me there was a pool Josh.... Damn man, you're fucking up my flow here. I only know Josh's roommate and his girlfriend (who are hosting the party), so I feel like a tool without a swimsuit and everyone's having a good time in the pool.
Raelynn (the roommate's girlfriend) offers to get me a suit. She's about my size, maybe a little bigger, so I said that would be great. I don't know why I expected to see her bring out a one piece suit, but she brought out a bikini. WTF? Does this girl not know I don't like to look at my body, let alone have everyone else stare at it mostly naked? Jesus.... What the hell was I supposed to do? It's not like I couldn't put it on. Ugh, I went into the house and got changed. It was probably a good thing that I had a slight buzz already.
As I walked back out to the pool I gave Josh the most ridiculous look and jumped into the pool as quickly as I could. Thank God it was heated. I wasn't about to sit outside the pool and let everyone look at me in my nakedness!! We all had a great time playing some pool volleyball and just lounging around being retarded. Unfortunately the thunderstorms that had been looming all day moved in and we had to get out. I got changed back into my clothes and we decided to go back to the house and get ready (again) to go out for the evening.
Josh really didn't have clothes on that he wanted to wear out, so we went back to his house and hopped in the shower to get all the chlorine off of us :) When we got out, he was in his room getting dressed and I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and he says "You know you looked really hot in that bikini tonight right?"
Ugh. Thanks I guess. He knows about my body issues. He thinks I'm getting too skinny. Actually over the last couple of days we've gotten into several arguments about me losing more weight. This damn medication makes me not eat or sleep, so it's getting apparent that I'm down more than a few pounds. It's getting to the point that even though he's trying not to spend any money right now, because he wants a new car, he's actually suggesting that we go out to eat, so that he can make sure I'm actually eating. Tonight is Wasted Wednesday with a plethora of fried goodies for my enjoyment over at Lucky's. YUM.
Anyway, I guess I need a new swimsuit. The one I have I wouldn't be caught dead in out in public, but since I'm hanging out with people who have pools, actually have a pass to our local pool, and am seeing a boy who works outside for a living and wants to sit by a pool all the time, I should probably get one. Do I get a bikini? Because in my mind you need to look like this to wear one
I look at girls who aren't tiny like the girls above and am repulsed when they wear bikinis..... Like this
It makes me want to vomit. Actually I did just a little in my mouth..... My God, what if someone sees me in a bikini and sees this in their mind??? Ugh, I know girls who read this are gonna be all like wear a tankini they cover up some of the unsightliness. I have one. The bottom half of it makes my ass look funny...
Any opinions here people? Guys, what do you prefer? Girls, what makes you most comfortable? I can tell you for a fact that I'm not as heavy as the picture above. Actually Josh pointed out the other day that my hip bones are now noticeable when I'm standing up. I'm most certainly NOT one of the girls in the first picture with their tight little tummies and huge boobs either......
Ugh....
So, the night I broke my wrist, Josh and I were at a party. I don't remember if I mentioned it or not, but in the grand scheme of things, if we would have stayed at the party, I wouldn't have broken my wrist. Whatever.... I met Josh there because I had to take Gavin to a party on the other side of town. I knew we might go out later that night, so I was dressed kind of nice, just in case. When I pulled down the long driveway to the party, I was greeted by a bunch of late 20somethings playing.... kickball. I didn't know there would be kickball, so I obviously wasn't dressed for the sport, so I sat and watched until they were all too drunk to care about playing anymore. They all decided it was time to get into the pool. Oops, thanks for telling me there was a pool Josh.... Damn man, you're fucking up my flow here. I only know Josh's roommate and his girlfriend (who are hosting the party), so I feel like a tool without a swimsuit and everyone's having a good time in the pool.
Raelynn (the roommate's girlfriend) offers to get me a suit. She's about my size, maybe a little bigger, so I said that would be great. I don't know why I expected to see her bring out a one piece suit, but she brought out a bikini. WTF? Does this girl not know I don't like to look at my body, let alone have everyone else stare at it mostly naked? Jesus.... What the hell was I supposed to do? It's not like I couldn't put it on. Ugh, I went into the house and got changed. It was probably a good thing that I had a slight buzz already.
As I walked back out to the pool I gave Josh the most ridiculous look and jumped into the pool as quickly as I could. Thank God it was heated. I wasn't about to sit outside the pool and let everyone look at me in my nakedness!! We all had a great time playing some pool volleyball and just lounging around being retarded. Unfortunately the thunderstorms that had been looming all day moved in and we had to get out. I got changed back into my clothes and we decided to go back to the house and get ready (again) to go out for the evening.
Josh really didn't have clothes on that he wanted to wear out, so we went back to his house and hopped in the shower to get all the chlorine off of us :) When we got out, he was in his room getting dressed and I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and he says "You know you looked really hot in that bikini tonight right?"
Ugh. Thanks I guess. He knows about my body issues. He thinks I'm getting too skinny. Actually over the last couple of days we've gotten into several arguments about me losing more weight. This damn medication makes me not eat or sleep, so it's getting apparent that I'm down more than a few pounds. It's getting to the point that even though he's trying not to spend any money right now, because he wants a new car, he's actually suggesting that we go out to eat, so that he can make sure I'm actually eating. Tonight is Wasted Wednesday with a plethora of fried goodies for my enjoyment over at Lucky's. YUM.
Anyway, I guess I need a new swimsuit. The one I have I wouldn't be caught dead in out in public, but since I'm hanging out with people who have pools, actually have a pass to our local pool, and am seeing a boy who works outside for a living and wants to sit by a pool all the time, I should probably get one. Do I get a bikini? Because in my mind you need to look like this to wear one
I look at girls who aren't tiny like the girls above and am repulsed when they wear bikinis..... Like this
Any opinions here people? Guys, what do you prefer? Girls, what makes you most comfortable? I can tell you for a fact that I'm not as heavy as the picture above. Actually Josh pointed out the other day that my hip bones are now noticeable when I'm standing up. I'm most certainly NOT one of the girls in the first picture with their tight little tummies and huge boobs either......
Ugh....
Monday, June 28, 2010
This Boy Is Killing Me......
I know I said I wasn't gonna do it anymore, but I hung out with Josh all weekend. What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment.....
He texted me Friday evening talking about how he had the worst day ever at work. I took the bait, I was lonely and hadn't seen him since Monday night. A few hours later I was over at his place hanging out with him and his roommates. They're cool, so I figured it would be ok. What I didn't figure is that he'd be smashed before I even got there. As amusing as it was right then, I knew if we went out, there would be problems and there were. I think the farthest we made it at the bar was hitting the restroom on the way in the door, neither of us had anything to drink and we ended up in an argument out at my car 15 minutes later. Retarded..... We spent the next few hours sitting outside of my house in the car talking about everything and figuring out what was wrong with the two of us..... It's complicated. Eventually he decided he was hungry and we went to Waffle House for some 2am goodness.
Saturday he apologized for being an ass and took me out to dinner and then we went to my sister's bar, just me and him and listened to the band for the rest of the evening. It was kind of nice just being the two of us (mainly because it's NEVER just us) and I had a good time. I did run into Kyle's dad there, but it was only a little bit weird.
Sunday we laid around all morning because it's just too hot to do anything in my house. See, I don't have air conditioning. They built a room onto my house and didn't upgrade the electrical panel, so everything is wired all stupid and I can't have central air put in until something is done about the electrical situation. Since Jordan is the only electrician I know, it doesn't look like I'll be getting it fixed anytime soon. I mean, the whole house has to be re-wired, and I certainly can't afford that. I'm just going to buy a pool instead.... Yes, I have priorities...
I'm kinda excited for this week. My mom and I are going to see Scorpions and Cinderella on Wednesday night and of course we have a nice long holiday weekend thrown in there (with MASS parties) so it should be a good time. I just need to remember to get my camera back from Nicole!!
Have a great week peeps :)
He texted me Friday evening talking about how he had the worst day ever at work. I took the bait, I was lonely and hadn't seen him since Monday night. A few hours later I was over at his place hanging out with him and his roommates. They're cool, so I figured it would be ok. What I didn't figure is that he'd be smashed before I even got there. As amusing as it was right then, I knew if we went out, there would be problems and there were. I think the farthest we made it at the bar was hitting the restroom on the way in the door, neither of us had anything to drink and we ended up in an argument out at my car 15 minutes later. Retarded..... We spent the next few hours sitting outside of my house in the car talking about everything and figuring out what was wrong with the two of us..... It's complicated. Eventually he decided he was hungry and we went to Waffle House for some 2am goodness.
Saturday he apologized for being an ass and took me out to dinner and then we went to my sister's bar, just me and him and listened to the band for the rest of the evening. It was kind of nice just being the two of us (mainly because it's NEVER just us) and I had a good time. I did run into Kyle's dad there, but it was only a little bit weird.
Sunday we laid around all morning because it's just too hot to do anything in my house. See, I don't have air conditioning. They built a room onto my house and didn't upgrade the electrical panel, so everything is wired all stupid and I can't have central air put in until something is done about the electrical situation. Since Jordan is the only electrician I know, it doesn't look like I'll be getting it fixed anytime soon. I mean, the whole house has to be re-wired, and I certainly can't afford that. I'm just going to buy a pool instead.... Yes, I have priorities...
I'm kinda excited for this week. My mom and I are going to see Scorpions and Cinderella on Wednesday night and of course we have a nice long holiday weekend thrown in there (with MASS parties) so it should be a good time. I just need to remember to get my camera back from Nicole!!
Have a great week peeps :)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Children, Drugs Are Bad....
This is just a public service announcement to let you know that even though the pharmacist assured me it was ok to take them together, Prednisone and Wellbutrin DO NOT make a nice drug cocktail. My head is all sorts of swimming and I feel a little retarded, which would be ok if I was at home, but I'm at work. Perhaps I need to add a Vicodin to the mix just to really get me outta whack!
That is all, carry on with your day.
That is all, carry on with your day.
One Year Ago Today
I started blogging. I also hit 200 posts this week. Damn, what a rollercoaster year it has been. I started blogging as an outlet for my thoughts, somewhere to say what I wanted to say without worrying about what everyone in my every day life thought. One year later, my friends know about the blog, but don't know how to go about finding it. They just accept the fact that it's another side of me that they aren't a part of, other than as part of the plot in a post. Eventually they'll know how to get here, but none of them will be surprised at what they read. They were there to see the accounts of most of what I write about firsthand. As for some of the more emotional posts, yeah, maybe they'll be surprised, mostly because I'm a private person where emotions are concerned but they know what hurts me. We steer clear of emotions in my every day life. They're just not needed for the most part.
As for all of you, I just wanted to say thank you. Whether it be me reading your blogs and seeing what life is like through your eyes, or you coming here and commenting on what I write, it really has filled somewhat of a void that I have had in my life. We all have that need for acceptance deep down, and you all most certainly fill that for me. I have made some incredible friends through this blog and your blogs. People that had I run across in every day life I probably wouldn't have gotten to know. I most certainly take a different approach to meeting people these days. I thank you all for that.
So what's next for me? I keep on doing what I do, otherwise I might end up in the mental ward. I hope that you'll keep coming along for the ride and kicking my ass when I need it!
XOXOXOXO
Tara
As for all of you, I just wanted to say thank you. Whether it be me reading your blogs and seeing what life is like through your eyes, or you coming here and commenting on what I write, it really has filled somewhat of a void that I have had in my life. We all have that need for acceptance deep down, and you all most certainly fill that for me. I have made some incredible friends through this blog and your blogs. People that had I run across in every day life I probably wouldn't have gotten to know. I most certainly take a different approach to meeting people these days. I thank you all for that.
So what's next for me? I keep on doing what I do, otherwise I might end up in the mental ward. I hope that you'll keep coming along for the ride and kicking my ass when I need it!
XOXOXOXO
Tara
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Why So Insecure?
There are some things I'm super insecure about. I've written about my body image issues before. That's something I'll probably never get over no matter what man tells me I'm beautiful or perfect. No big deal, I know in the back of my mind what I see isn't what everyone else sees, so I've come to terms with all that. What I don't understand is these guys that I keep meeting and their insecurities.
I mean, I get it. We've all been hurt, we've all done stupid shit we're paying for even today. I get all that. I'm willing to accept that there is no perfect guy for me. What I'm not willing to accept is being constantly made to feel like shit for things I want to do or things I have done by a person who says they want to spend the rest of their life with me.
Let's get it out in the open, shall we?
Hi, my name is Tara, I'm about to be 32 years old, single white female. Though I claim to be heterosexual, I have blatantly homosexual tendencies, especially when I drink. I am the mother of an almost 14 and 13 year old, as well as a 14 month old. I have no respect for most authority, I'm out of control most weekends, but try to exercise self control during the week, with the exception of Wasted Wednesdays, in which I usually end up face down on the bed sleeping in my clothes and late for work the next day.
I live my life the only way I know how to, day to day. If you get with me thinking long term, you're probably going to be disappointed. You will NOT tell me what to do, what to wear or how to act. You may come along for the ride and I MIGHT fall for you, then again, I might not. When you choose to act a fool, most of the time I'll act like one right along with you. I will not talk about it for the next week and try to dissect what went wrong that night. Truth is, I don't care what went wrong, as long as the next day we're all good. I don't want to have to constantly second guess your motive it's all good.
I'm tired of meeting guys that think that they want to get with me forever and ever. Let's get this straight boys, you will never get my heart. I will never let you in where you want to be. You know why? Because you're all worse off than I am. You say you can accept me for who I am, but you can't. Go on with yourselves because I don't want anything to do with any of ya anymore. Casual sex? Well yeah. Relationship? Hell to the NO.....
I mean, I get it. We've all been hurt, we've all done stupid shit we're paying for even today. I get all that. I'm willing to accept that there is no perfect guy for me. What I'm not willing to accept is being constantly made to feel like shit for things I want to do or things I have done by a person who says they want to spend the rest of their life with me.
Let's get it out in the open, shall we?
Hi, my name is Tara, I'm about to be 32 years old, single white female. Though I claim to be heterosexual, I have blatantly homosexual tendencies, especially when I drink. I am the mother of an almost 14 and 13 year old, as well as a 14 month old. I have no respect for most authority, I'm out of control most weekends, but try to exercise self control during the week, with the exception of Wasted Wednesdays, in which I usually end up face down on the bed sleeping in my clothes and late for work the next day.
I live my life the only way I know how to, day to day. If you get with me thinking long term, you're probably going to be disappointed. You will NOT tell me what to do, what to wear or how to act. You may come along for the ride and I MIGHT fall for you, then again, I might not. When you choose to act a fool, most of the time I'll act like one right along with you. I will not talk about it for the next week and try to dissect what went wrong that night. Truth is, I don't care what went wrong, as long as the next day we're all good. I don't want to have to constantly second guess your motive it's all good.
I'm tired of meeting guys that think that they want to get with me forever and ever. Let's get this straight boys, you will never get my heart. I will never let you in where you want to be. You know why? Because you're all worse off than I am. You say you can accept me for who I am, but you can't. Go on with yourselves because I don't want anything to do with any of ya anymore. Casual sex? Well yeah. Relationship? Hell to the NO.....
Some Fun Pictures
Since life has pretty much gotten in the way of regular party posting, here are some pics from the end of school year party. It was pretty much a ridiculous blast, complete with ghetto slip n slide :) Enjoy!
Tara & I bored waiting on the kids to do their 8th grade walk. I had on two different shoes earlier in the day...
Brandon & Lizzy at the shaving cream fight
The whole group after the shaving cream fight. I'm the official photographer because I'm allergic to that cheap shit.
Tony & Tara's dude Mike. He's actually smiling.... That never happens in pictures!!
Tim playing football with the kids from the roof :)
Dead body chalk outlines
Drunk me w/Josh
Tara on the slip n slide
My slip n slide FAIL....
Mike, the champion slip n slider :)
Yeah, that's most certainly Wendy's itty bitty titty hanging out.... Don't say I never give ya anything here....
There were lots of other ones, but these were the funniest of them. It really was a great time and I'm looking forward to keeping the tradition going. I did decide however, I will be buying a pool next week, the slip n slide really tore up my "not so great in the first place lawn".....
Onto the birthday festivities here soon!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Well Shit....
I feel like I haven't been around in forever.... I guess it's only been a week. It was hard to type with only one hand. Friday I got a real cast that actually freed up my fingers and my elbow, so I'm better now... Well, as good as you can get with no movement in your wrist on your dominant hand....
The appointment with the Ortho doctor went well and he doesn't think I'll have to have surgery because it was set so well in the ER. I have to go in each week for the next four weeks for x-rays to make sure the bone doesn't move and then hopefully get into something not as restrictive as this stupid cast. I figured if I had to spend the next 4 weeks looking at it, I might as well get something flashy, so I got hot pink :)
Thank God for insurance I suppose. At least now my deductible for the year is satisfied and I can proceed with allergy testing and all that bullshit, not having to worry about the cost. No doubt the allergies are getting much worse and something has to be done about them. I've had hives on my face and chest since Friday and can't seem to get them to go away. Anyone who knows me knows that I am one vain bitch, so the minute I saw it creeping up onto my face I made a doctor appointment. We'll see what happens with all that here in a couple of hours.
I'm a flipping trainwreck, I swear....
In other news, Josh and I have broken up and gotten back together probably 10 times since I've last talked about him. We're so much alike it's ridiculous. Actually things with me and him have been ok for about a week now. He dutifully took me to the emergency room last Saturday night and has been nothing but a sweetheart since then. Well, as best as he knows how to be a sweetheart..... Between Tara cutting my food and helping me dress during the day, Nicole doing my household crap, including helping with the baby all weekend, and Josh, just being around when I need someone, this whole mess has been bearable. I still feel bad that I can't hold little E a whole lot, but I only have him two days this week, so we should be ok. I just wish this stupid shit wouldn't have happened. I mean, half my summer is going to be spent in this thing.... No pool, no Cedar Point, nothing fun.... The important lesson learned is no drinking and walking in heels kids!! Yeah, I say that, but I could have done the same amount of damage totally sober. Actually I've done more damage sober......
That's about it on this front. If my doctor appointment doesn't take forever this afternoon, I promise to get the end of the school year party pictures up for your viewing pleasure. The countdown is on to the birthday bash for this year..... Only 26 days.....
**UPDATE**
So this is what the doctor said. I got bit by something here at work on Friday. Whatever it was I was allergic to (probably a spider) and that caused the hives all over my face & neck. By digging at the bites, I gave myself a nasty skin infection..... Sentence? 10 days of steroids and some cream that I was warned would melt off my skin if I used it too much.... Uhh, ok.....
The appointment with the Ortho doctor went well and he doesn't think I'll have to have surgery because it was set so well in the ER. I have to go in each week for the next four weeks for x-rays to make sure the bone doesn't move and then hopefully get into something not as restrictive as this stupid cast. I figured if I had to spend the next 4 weeks looking at it, I might as well get something flashy, so I got hot pink :)
Thank God for insurance I suppose. At least now my deductible for the year is satisfied and I can proceed with allergy testing and all that bullshit, not having to worry about the cost. No doubt the allergies are getting much worse and something has to be done about them. I've had hives on my face and chest since Friday and can't seem to get them to go away. Anyone who knows me knows that I am one vain bitch, so the minute I saw it creeping up onto my face I made a doctor appointment. We'll see what happens with all that here in a couple of hours.
I'm a flipping trainwreck, I swear....
In other news, Josh and I have broken up and gotten back together probably 10 times since I've last talked about him. We're so much alike it's ridiculous. Actually things with me and him have been ok for about a week now. He dutifully took me to the emergency room last Saturday night and has been nothing but a sweetheart since then. Well, as best as he knows how to be a sweetheart..... Between Tara cutting my food and helping me dress during the day, Nicole doing my household crap, including helping with the baby all weekend, and Josh, just being around when I need someone, this whole mess has been bearable. I still feel bad that I can't hold little E a whole lot, but I only have him two days this week, so we should be ok. I just wish this stupid shit wouldn't have happened. I mean, half my summer is going to be spent in this thing.... No pool, no Cedar Point, nothing fun.... The important lesson learned is no drinking and walking in heels kids!! Yeah, I say that, but I could have done the same amount of damage totally sober. Actually I've done more damage sober......
That's about it on this front. If my doctor appointment doesn't take forever this afternoon, I promise to get the end of the school year party pictures up for your viewing pleasure. The countdown is on to the birthday bash for this year..... Only 26 days.....
**UPDATE**
So this is what the doctor said. I got bit by something here at work on Friday. Whatever it was I was allergic to (probably a spider) and that caused the hives all over my face & neck. By digging at the bites, I gave myself a nasty skin infection..... Sentence? 10 days of steroids and some cream that I was warned would melt off my skin if I used it too much.... Uhh, ok.....
Monday, June 14, 2010
I Really Did It This Time....
I'm currently typing this with one finger on my left hand. I realize I still owe you all a couple of party posts from the last couple of weeks, but I managed to break my wrist in two places courtesy of some 3 inch heels, rain and alcohol.... Right now I have a splint & huge wrap clear up past my elbow, so as you can imagine, even the smallest task (hello buttoning pants) is a real pain in the ass. Once I meet with the Ortho surgeon & get a proper cast on this thing, I'll be back to regular posting, I promise. Until then, just know that I'm reading all that's going on in your blogs even if I'm not commenting.
Much Love :)
Tara
Much Love :)
Tara
Monday, June 7, 2010
Curious, You Were Right.....
I fucked it up..... As of right now Josh and I are done. I just can't be the person he wants me to be. I'm not the kind of girl he wants or needs.....
I have great things to say about my weekend with a massive amount of pictures, but right now I'm just not feeling it. I'm going home here in a minute, taking the kid to soccer tryouts and then drinking myself into a far more numb state. I'll be back with all of you in a couple of days......
I have great things to say about my weekend with a massive amount of pictures, but right now I'm just not feeling it. I'm going home here in a minute, taking the kid to soccer tryouts and then drinking myself into a far more numb state. I'll be back with all of you in a couple of days......
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dealing With Loss & Teenage Emotion
Wow, look at you special people, getting 4 posts out of me in one day. Damn, I'm on a roll today. Not really. Something just happened and I need to talk a little.
The other Tara called me this morning to tell me that Lizzy (her daughter who's in 8th grade with Brandon) called her all upset to tell her that one of their classmates hung himself last night. Wow. Of course I was already at work when Lizzy called her, so Tara called me and let me know. Two days before school is out for the year and this young man is no longer with us. He was a popular kid on the wrestling team.
After Tara got here, we went out to smoke and talk about it. This boy makes 3 kids that have died this year. The other two were in high school, so my kids didn't know them personally, but this one, they do. Tara made a comment that it's fucked up all this has happened this year. One of the other boys passed away just last week. I reminded her that this is like when we were in school. Things like this happen all the time, it's just that now our kids are getting into high school and whatnot, emotions/drugs/alcohol/bad decisions start running rampant with teenagers. Personally, from grades 10-12, 4 of my friends died. All of them from drug overdoses or drug/alcohol related car accidents. It's sad. One of them, the one I was closest to out of the 5, I saw dead in the back seat of a car. Huffing butane like he always did, everyone just thought he was passed out until the car got pulled over for dark tinting on the windows and they discovered he was actually dead.
I was never the same after I attended his funeral. Besides my sister, who I don't remember seeing in a coffin, this was the first time I had seen someone die of something other than old age. Evan Haines. He was the lovable stoner who would do anything for anyone. Pink Floyd's Goodbye Blue Sky played at the funeral home as we all stayed well back from the coffin mourning the loss of our friend and trying to figure out what happened that night that we could have prevented this tragedy.
Tonight I'm going to sit down with my kids and talk to them about what happened to this poor boy last night and remind them that no matter how bad they think their life is, taking it away from those who love you will ultimately hurt them much worse than you could ever hurt inside. Suicide may seem senseless for those of us not in the situation, but none of us knows what was going on in this boy's head, heart or home that made him think this was his only way out. My heart is sad for his family today.
As for the other two boys that passed away this year, I plan on also serving a reminder that we are not invincible, no matter what any of our friends/peers/enemies tell us. We can be taken at any time.
If you have kids, hug them extra tight tonight.....
The other Tara called me this morning to tell me that Lizzy (her daughter who's in 8th grade with Brandon) called her all upset to tell her that one of their classmates hung himself last night. Wow. Of course I was already at work when Lizzy called her, so Tara called me and let me know. Two days before school is out for the year and this young man is no longer with us. He was a popular kid on the wrestling team.
After Tara got here, we went out to smoke and talk about it. This boy makes 3 kids that have died this year. The other two were in high school, so my kids didn't know them personally, but this one, they do. Tara made a comment that it's fucked up all this has happened this year. One of the other boys passed away just last week. I reminded her that this is like when we were in school. Things like this happen all the time, it's just that now our kids are getting into high school and whatnot, emotions/drugs/alcohol/bad decisions start running rampant with teenagers. Personally, from grades 10-12, 4 of my friends died. All of them from drug overdoses or drug/alcohol related car accidents. It's sad. One of them, the one I was closest to out of the 5, I saw dead in the back seat of a car. Huffing butane like he always did, everyone just thought he was passed out until the car got pulled over for dark tinting on the windows and they discovered he was actually dead.
I was never the same after I attended his funeral. Besides my sister, who I don't remember seeing in a coffin, this was the first time I had seen someone die of something other than old age. Evan Haines. He was the lovable stoner who would do anything for anyone. Pink Floyd's Goodbye Blue Sky played at the funeral home as we all stayed well back from the coffin mourning the loss of our friend and trying to figure out what happened that night that we could have prevented this tragedy.
Tonight I'm going to sit down with my kids and talk to them about what happened to this poor boy last night and remind them that no matter how bad they think their life is, taking it away from those who love you will ultimately hurt them much worse than you could ever hurt inside. Suicide may seem senseless for those of us not in the situation, but none of us knows what was going on in this boy's head, heart or home that made him think this was his only way out. My heart is sad for his family today.
As for the other two boys that passed away this year, I plan on also serving a reminder that we are not invincible, no matter what any of our friends/peers/enemies tell us. We can be taken at any time.
If you have kids, hug them extra tight tonight.....
Memorial Day Weekend 2010 Part 2
Sunday morning I had to drive back to Dayton again for our last game of the season. Based on Saturday's terrible play, there was no way we were making it to the championships. I was ok with that. The weekend had been exhausting as it was.
We arrived at the soccer park half an hour ahead of time and Gavin realized he didn't have his soccer cleats with him because he had walked out of the house in bare feet. He didn't even have tennis shoes in the car. Fuck.... Luckily one of his teammates was more prepared than we were and had a spare set of cleats. We won the game and headed back to Columbus.
Once I got home I woke Josh up and took him home. He had stuff to do all day and wasn't happy with me that I was going to the Bret Michaels concert with Nicole. Originally I had planned to go to dinner with him Sunday night thinking Bret would be dead by then, but in true rock star form Bret made it through all his medical issues ok. Josh was a little salty about all this, but this a tradition that Nicole and I have. I told him I'd meet up with him later in that night because he'd be at a cookout on my side of town.
I napped for awhile then picked up Nicole and we headed downtown. We sat in the car for damn near an hour drinking our road pops and talking about dumb shit. Finally we decided we should probably go into the concert venue and at least do some people watching till Bret came on. If you're my friend on Facebook, you've seen these, but they're SOOO worth another view.
We arrived at the soccer park half an hour ahead of time and Gavin realized he didn't have his soccer cleats with him because he had walked out of the house in bare feet. He didn't even have tennis shoes in the car. Fuck.... Luckily one of his teammates was more prepared than we were and had a spare set of cleats. We won the game and headed back to Columbus.
Once I got home I woke Josh up and took him home. He had stuff to do all day and wasn't happy with me that I was going to the Bret Michaels concert with Nicole. Originally I had planned to go to dinner with him Sunday night thinking Bret would be dead by then, but in true rock star form Bret made it through all his medical issues ok. Josh was a little salty about all this, but this a tradition that Nicole and I have. I told him I'd meet up with him later in that night because he'd be at a cookout on my side of town.
I napped for awhile then picked up Nicole and we headed downtown. We sat in the car for damn near an hour drinking our road pops and talking about dumb shit. Finally we decided we should probably go into the concert venue and at least do some people watching till Bret came on. If you're my friend on Facebook, you've seen these, but they're SOOO worth another view.
Big Bird
Beached Whale....
I don't even know what to say about this....
My long lost dad....
That right there.... Is a man..... But he had HOT legs....
And as Bret Michaels would say HiiiiiYo! Hello :)
Anyway, after people watching for a bit, we walked up to the top of the lawn where Nicole spilled an entire bucket of beer. That's right, 32 oz. of beer spilled on the concrete... Bummer. At least they gave her a new one for free. We headed back down to the main area where all the food and drinks were to wander around for awhile and someone came up behind us.
"Tara, Nicole, hey!" I stood there stunned for a minute. It was the ex-husband there with his first ex-wife. WTF? Are we in an alternate Bret Michaels universe? What the hell are they doing here together? They suggested we come sit with them and the ex-step-son up in the lawn. Sure, what the hell...... The ex is always good for racking up a good bar tab, so we went. This kind of shit ensued.....
How lucky he is to be with BOTH of us....
Nicole will be ex-wife #3 we're sure lol
Me & Ex #1.... I'm cuter, she has bigger boobs...
All of us. Poor Kyle
WTF Nicole?
Well that's what happens when you have too many beers....
Oh and I suppose I should include some shots of the actual concert. As usual Bret didn't disappoint. Brain hemorrhage or not, he was on it Sunday night! He played mostly Poison songs, did some covers of Guns n Roses (???) and a couple of songs off of his new album.
There was no up close & personal in the pit this time. We didn't have the $30 tickets that would get you down there. Oh well, free tickets are free tickets and we had an excellent time. After the concert we went to where Josh was and picked him up. After that we headed over to Josh's uncle's house where the other Tara was with Nicole's kid. I have no idea what happened there other than I hear that my wheels fell off. I went from mild buzz to somewhere beyond wasted in under an hour. Josh took my keys and for whatever reason I WAS PISSED. This resulted in me leaving the party and walking home. I think Tara pulled up beside me trying to offer me a ride home and I told her to fuck off. Not sure about all that..... Somehow I made it home and into bed.
Around 9:00 Monday morning Josh crawled into bed and I woke up. "That was the most drunk I've ever seen you Tara" was all he said and rolled over & went to sleep. Uhh, ok. I went back to sleep too. Apparently he came to bed around 4 and I told him I was pissed and he had to sleep on the couch. I have no recollection of this at all. I did want sex, so I'm not sure why I would have kicked him out of bed, but whatever.
Later in the afternoon I took him home and went back to my house to finish planting my garden. He stopped over before he went to poker and we talked a little more. He said he'd see me when he was done taking everyone's money. Ok then. Nicole came over and we tried to figure out where the hell we went wrong the night before. Neither of us could figure it out. The two of us cooked out on the grill and later I took her home and curled up in my own bed kind of glad another epic weekend was in the books......
Memorial Day Weekend 2010 Part 1
Wow, what an awesome weekend!! After some drama earlier in the week which you've already read about, then some more with Josh and him being needy on Wednesday night, then profusely apologizing on Thursday, Friday got off to a good start.
My grandparents were coming in town for the weekend, so of course they wanted to see little Ev while they were here. My mom picked him up from daycare so that my grandparents could spend some time with him before he left to go with his dad for the weekend. I went over after work and made sure there was no drama with Jordan picking him up only to see that Jordan's girlfriend had apparently wrecked his precious truck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the front bumper was mangled. Of course everyone in the house wanted to meet Jordan, since they've never even seen him, but I didn't let that happen. My mom carried him out to the truck and everyone else stayed inside. After all that was taken care of, I left the big kids with my mom and headed home to get ready for the Grillz Gone Wild Party over at Dan & Mary's house.
I get back home and manage to get ready for the party. Tara and Mike pick me up and we head out to one of the local joints to have some drinks at a get together we call Fourth Fridays. It's where everyone who graduated in the 90's at our high schools gets together one night a month for some social time. It was kind of lame this month, so we headed back to the hood for the party. I was feeling a little bad I didn't have a grill because I didn't have any money all week, but by the time I got to the party it really didn't matter. Everyone was just out to have a good time. By the time we swung through the hood, our entourage walking up to the party was about 10 people. Dan & Mary were happy because there were only like 4 people there.
Josh called around 9 for me to run to the house and pick him up. Oops, he got pulled over for a cracked windshield on the way into the neighborhood which resulted in a seatbelt ticket. Ugh, not a good start to the evening.... He managed to get to my house and we headed back to the party.
What to say about the Grillz party? Good times my friends, good times. By 10:00 there were probably 20 of us just chillin having drinks, playing cornhole and listening to music as I played dj as usual.
My grandparents were coming in town for the weekend, so of course they wanted to see little Ev while they were here. My mom picked him up from daycare so that my grandparents could spend some time with him before he left to go with his dad for the weekend. I went over after work and made sure there was no drama with Jordan picking him up only to see that Jordan's girlfriend had apparently wrecked his precious truck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the front bumper was mangled. Of course everyone in the house wanted to meet Jordan, since they've never even seen him, but I didn't let that happen. My mom carried him out to the truck and everyone else stayed inside. After all that was taken care of, I left the big kids with my mom and headed home to get ready for the Grillz Gone Wild Party over at Dan & Mary's house.
I get back home and manage to get ready for the party. Tara and Mike pick me up and we head out to one of the local joints to have some drinks at a get together we call Fourth Fridays. It's where everyone who graduated in the 90's at our high schools gets together one night a month for some social time. It was kind of lame this month, so we headed back to the hood for the party. I was feeling a little bad I didn't have a grill because I didn't have any money all week, but by the time I got to the party it really didn't matter. Everyone was just out to have a good time. By the time we swung through the hood, our entourage walking up to the party was about 10 people. Dan & Mary were happy because there were only like 4 people there.
Josh called around 9 for me to run to the house and pick him up. Oops, he got pulled over for a cracked windshield on the way into the neighborhood which resulted in a seatbelt ticket. Ugh, not a good start to the evening.... He managed to get to my house and we headed back to the party.
What to say about the Grillz party? Good times my friends, good times. By 10:00 there were probably 20 of us just chillin having drinks, playing cornhole and listening to music as I played dj as usual.
What the hell Tara?
I think I found out who belongs to all of these feet. This is what happens when I leave my camera sit.....
Grillz Bitches!!! I wore the one Mary bought for Dan that he refused, but they were more like Billy Bob teeth....
Umm, this is later in the night. No clue what the two of us were doing with a camera in the bathroom....
Yeah, so you get the picture, we're retarded.... At one point, I realized Josh had disappeared. Not two minutes later I got a text from him saying "Have a good time, I'm going home." WTF? Since I didn't have a car there, I said goodbye to everyone and walked back to the house.
When I get home, both of the big kids have already been dropped off and are in bed. Josh is laying on the bed. Long story short, we argue about how when we're out I spend too much of my time not with him. Ugh, stage 5 clinger! Luckily he realizes he's too drunk and in no shape to go home so we just go to bed. I have to be up early in the morning to head to Dayton for soccer.
_______________
Saturday
I get up at 7 and get out the door with Gavin. Josh texts me at 9 again profusely apologizing for last night. I tell him that if he wants to be with someone who is hanging all over him all the time, we need to break things off now. That's not me. That will never be me, I don't care who you think you are. He said he'd learn to get over it and that was the end of that. He had a big wiffleball tournament, so I pretty much didn't talk to him again until late in the afternoon just as I was getting back on the road to Columbus.
It was obvious when he started texting me again that he was drunk. I had expected this. You get a bunch of 20something year old boys playing wiffleball, there's gonna be booze involved. He asked me my plans for the evening. I told him I was going to my mom's for a cookout, then back to the hood where there was another party already in progress. He had told me on Friday that he'd go to the parent's house with me, but there was no way I was taking him to meet them when he was drunk. He told me he still wanted to go and that he'd go home and sober up. I told him he had two hours and that if I got there and he was still fucked up I wasn't taking him.
Finally I got home. There were cops stationed at pretty much every place they possibly could be all along the way home, so driving the speed limit REALLY slowed me down. Ugh I was gross from sitting out in damn near 90 degree temperatures all day long. A nice cold shower sounded soooooo good. I only had about 20 minutes to get ready and out the door, so I had to cut the shower shorter than I really wanted to. Plus both of the big kids needed showers as well. 35 minutes later, we were on our way to pickup Josh.
Arriving at his house, he walked right out the door, beer in hand. He finished it off as we got in the car and I had a good look at him. He managed to shower and dress decent. God he smelled good..... Damn, he had a bad sunburn. That was gonna hurt later.... He was able to speak coherently, so I took him with me to the cookout. It was actually pretty weird when we got there. I introduced him to my parents and my grandparents and almost immediately my grandpa started talking his ear off. We ate, then sat around in the house talking shit about who was going to win the Rampage/Evans fight that night with my step-dad. It was amusing. Josh must have drank 4 32 oz glasses of water trying to rehydrate while we were there.
After all that was said and done, we headed back to the hood where April was having a party two doors down. By the time we got there only about 10 people were still there, but they were all drunk and having a good time, so all was well. I went down to the house to get the projector set up because we were going to watch the fight outside on the garage. I guess over the winter something happened to the cable and it'll have to be replaced out there. Oh well. I turned to go back in the house and notice Josh was laying on the bed out like a light. I put on the fight in the room and headed back down to the party for a bit.
Once the good fights started coming on, we all went down to my house and watched them. Needless to say I was pleased with the outcome. Rampage is a douche. After that, I crawled into bed and passed out, with Josh not even moving....
Part 2 Sunday.....
From Last Week
Well, I didn't end up doing anything about the situation until Friday night. I'm sure you're all proud of me for not going down there. Thanks for all the supportive words, it's very much appreciated :)
The other Tara, Nick and I were pretty much inseparable for a long time back in the day. So what did I do? I got her drunk Friday night and had her call him. He's very much alive, but wherever he was, couldn't really talk to her the way he wanted to. He told her that one of my texts caused him to throw his phone and break the display. Ok, whatever. He told her that he was leaving for North Carolina for work on Saturday morning and would get a hold of one of us when he got back. Ok then......
To answer some questions that both Em and Mejis asked, no, there wasn't anyone I could send down there or call short of sending the other Tara and I would never ask her to go down there by herself. If it were anyone else I would have called the police to do a welfare check, but since he has a bench warrant because of the child support they would have taken him to jail. As much as half my heart says it would be nice to see him sit in jail for 30 days, the other half of it says you know you can't do that because he's reaching out to you and there could really be something wrong.
I spoke to Crystal, the assistant director at daycare and a part of that "family" I once had when I was with him yesterday. She told me that she hasn't seen him in a couple of months, but didn't hear that there was anything wrong with him. We talked for about 20 minutes about the reasons I got out of that life and how being around all of those people weren't doing anything in the way of getting me further in life. She point blank asked me if I'd ever thought about getting back with him. Did I tell her never? No, I told her that he was my other half and of course I missed him. He's been the only one that ever understood where I've come from and loved me for whatever personality came out on that particular day. She said, "You know, he feels the same way. Before I even met you I had heard stories about you and him and all he ever said was that he wanted to be with you." "Yeah, I know", I told her.
So I'm just going to sit on all this for now. I was trying to find a picture of the two of us, but I don't have any on my portable hard drive. I'll look for one in my pictures at home tonight.
Stay tuned, some not so depressing stuff on the way.....
The other Tara, Nick and I were pretty much inseparable for a long time back in the day. So what did I do? I got her drunk Friday night and had her call him. He's very much alive, but wherever he was, couldn't really talk to her the way he wanted to. He told her that one of my texts caused him to throw his phone and break the display. Ok, whatever. He told her that he was leaving for North Carolina for work on Saturday morning and would get a hold of one of us when he got back. Ok then......
To answer some questions that both Em and Mejis asked, no, there wasn't anyone I could send down there or call short of sending the other Tara and I would never ask her to go down there by herself. If it were anyone else I would have called the police to do a welfare check, but since he has a bench warrant because of the child support they would have taken him to jail. As much as half my heart says it would be nice to see him sit in jail for 30 days, the other half of it says you know you can't do that because he's reaching out to you and there could really be something wrong.
I spoke to Crystal, the assistant director at daycare and a part of that "family" I once had when I was with him yesterday. She told me that she hasn't seen him in a couple of months, but didn't hear that there was anything wrong with him. We talked for about 20 minutes about the reasons I got out of that life and how being around all of those people weren't doing anything in the way of getting me further in life. She point blank asked me if I'd ever thought about getting back with him. Did I tell her never? No, I told her that he was my other half and of course I missed him. He's been the only one that ever understood where I've come from and loved me for whatever personality came out on that particular day. She said, "You know, he feels the same way. Before I even met you I had heard stories about you and him and all he ever said was that he wanted to be with you." "Yeah, I know", I told her.
So I'm just going to sit on all this for now. I was trying to find a picture of the two of us, but I don't have any on my portable hard drive. I'll look for one in my pictures at home tonight.
Stay tuned, some not so depressing stuff on the way.....
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I Miss All Of You....
I'm like 4 days behind on everyone's blogs, but I'm getting to them. I also realize that I left everyone hanging on my drama from last week. We'll wrap all that up tomorrow and I'll post pics from the awesome long weekend!
Hope everyone is having a great day!!
Hope everyone is having a great day!!
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