Friends, Lovers and Stupid F**king Relationships

It should be obvious at this point if you've read my blog for long that I have problems with relationships... Both the friend kind and the intimate kind. Maybe it's because I'm such an inherently distrustful person. Maybe it's because I don't want to form those kinds of bonds with anyone. Hell, I just lost what was my best long distance friend because we decided to give it a go at a relationship and it didn't work out. Maybe we should have just stayed long distance friends, talking every day, bitching about our lives and things would still be ok between us. Maybe not, but now our once great relationship is now damaged probably beyond repair. For those of you not following, I kicked Chip out the week before Christmas. It felt shitty and still does, but I couldn't continue supporting a household of 6 on a bartender salary. It was miserable. If I'm gonna be miserable, I'd rather be alone and miserable. It's been rough, I'm not gonna lie. I had love for that boy. I still do, truth be told, but it's just not right and probably never will be. At some point I suppose I'll feel better about all of it. Just not right now. I fell back on all of that by hanging out with Nicole more. Trying to make sense of all of it and how it all went bad. Her, being incapable of having a normal relationship herself, wasn't much help, but at least I had someone to hang out with. Part of my problem these days is that I don't want to be alone... Ever... Kind of weird considering I was once the person who didn't need anyone, ever. Over the last few weeks I've been hanging out with one of my regulars, who I really like, but it's complicated and something I don't want to really get into. I've also been hanging out with Josh and Brandon, but just hanging out. No sex or anything, just company. Last Sunday I was hanging out with Josh after Nicole pissed me off so bad I almost punched her in my place of work Saturday night and I showed him a picture of us at Sexapalooza the day before. He laughed and pulled out his phone and showed me the same picture that she had sent him. WHAT.THE.FUCK???? Nicole, the same girl that was living with my ex-husband for like 6 months, was trying to get with MY Josh. That fucking whorebag. Even if I hadn't been pissed off the night before, I was ready to shoot death beams out of my eyes at her now. I can't even explain how betrayed by her I feel right now. I used to consider her my #2 best friend, but I kept hearing things that she was doing, only I didn't believe them. After I read the texts on Josh's phone, I confirmed what a whore she really is. I mean, who does that???? Who goes around sniffing after their best friend's sloppy seconds? Apparently this bitch! Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean, in my head it's just not right. I would NEVER try and get with someone like that. I let the ex-husband thing go, because, well, that was all really over. I didn't like it, but I didn't say anything about it. When Chip said she was all over him when we were at the casino, I was a little leery about the whole thing, then I hear this with Josh. Seriously people, I need input on this because I haven't spoken to her in a week and have no intention of doing so any time in the near future because of not only this, but all the lying about everything that she does. I'm so over it all with her. Other relationship noteworthy news, the other Tara and Mike got engaged at Christmas. Now she hangs out even less with me, probably because it was a condition for getting the ring, so I'm kind of down about that too. Where are all the good people? The friends that have your back through ANYTHING, the men in your life who are supposed to be with you forever. Where did they go? I mean, I'll go down for one of my friends, but it kind of hurts when everyone just kind of bails out on you after you've been through so much.....