For whatever reason, I'm exhausted this week. I mean, I know why I'm exhausted. Duh, I work all the time and frequently run on 2-3 hours of sleep. It's been four months now, my body should be used to this shouldn't it? The problem is, I need to be able to work more. I know, I know, but we'll go into the reasons why in a minute. They're very valid. Well, in my head they are anyway.... I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, but I really don't see an end to this anytime soon. Ugh.
I went to court again yesterday. This time for the drunken mishap with Josh. Did we even talk about that? You know, the one where he was drunk, I wasn't and I got pulled over and given another DUI, driving under suspension because I was 10 minutes outside of my driving privileges coming home from work and a speeding ticket? Ok, well if we didn't, that's the story in a very tiny nutshell. Anyway, I got that all worked out yesterday and since they dropped the driving under suspension, it won't be considered a violation of my probation and I don't have to spend 5 days in jail. Yay right? Not so much. I had to plead guilty to the DUI even though I hadn't been drinking. Ugh. Without going into too much detail, because it is a LONG story, I chose not to fight it. The long and the short of it is that eventually I probably could have gotten out of it, but I don't have the time, the money or the energy to deal with another $5,000 in legal fees and court dates. Instead, since it happened before I was sentenced for my first one, this is considered a first time offense and I'll get off with the 3 days rehab and $500 fine and astronomically high car insurance FOREVER. Such is life I suppose.
My license is suspended until February of next year. Yay me. Damn, this post is turning into a one woman pity party. I got my driving privileges back yesterday but can't use them. How fun is that? I have to pay the BMV $940 to be able to drive to and from work and all the kids stuff. Great. Because paying attorneys at least $500 every two weeks (this week it was $1000) AND paying my actual bills leaves a lot of money left over for that kind of crap. Do you now see why I need to work more? All I need is for someone to add like 6 hours to each day and I'd be good to go. I mean really. I could accomplish a lot in 6 hours. Hell, I would use them to sleep so that I'm not falling asleep at my desk a few days a week. Ideally I'd like to be working M-F 7-4 at Job 1 and M, W, F 5-2:30, then pickup a day shift Saturday or Sunday. Like I said, ideally. That's almost a 75 hour work week.
There's probably not really a need to mention the chaos that's going on in my house right now with me working all the time. It's pretty much a wreck. When I 'm not working I'm sleeping, so nothing ever gets done. I'm considering hiring someone to come in and pretty much gut the place and get rid of everything that doesn't have a proper place. What I really need is someone to manage my life for me. So I can just go through the daily motions without thought and without constantly being stressed about what's going on at home, letting me concentrate on getting all this dumb shit out of the way so I can resume a somewhat normal life again. Those of you who know me are scratching your head asking if I know what normal is. You know what, I probably don't, but I know for sure this isn't it. I'm thinking I'd like to be the person that I was right before I met the ex-husband.
The chick that had, at 24, just purchased her first home on her own and was going to use that big, expensive college degree to do great things so that her kids didn't have the shitty childhood that she did. The chick who didn't really give a fuck about anything that didn't directly involve her or her family/close friends. The chick who was happy..... I really need to find her. Anyone seen her lately? I mean it's pretty apparent that the last two years of my life have forced me to pretty much rock bottom. We can only go up from here right? The problem is that I don't believe that. Every time I think everything is getting back on track something stupid happens. I'm discouraged by my stupidity in getting into the situations that I have, especially over the last 5 months. This isn't me at all. What is that thing that Brittney Spears has? Shit, I can't think of the name now. I need one of those. You know, one of those people that protect you from yourself. I almost shaved my entire head two nights ago just to demonstrate that I don't give a fuck about hair. Who does that???? Ugh.
So yeah, this is where I'm at right now..... At war with myself..... Nobody will win this war....
Back when I was happy with pretty much everything....
4 comments:
1.) What Britney has is called a "handler" who makes sure she doesn't get into trouble. Obv she doesn't have a very good one.
2.) You look like a prettier version of Princess Diana in that old photo.
3.) You're the person who's already accomplished so much and you're too smart to not figure a way out of this. I have total confidence in you and the answer isn't working 100 hrs per week, although that may be needed for the short term.
Fuck girl your gonna burn out. That is why your tired. Fucking life is not meant to work 24hrs a day, sleep 2 hours, and worry the rest of the time. No solutions for you but hope you win the lottery or something.
You need a wife.
Or some sort of Personal Manager.
Flea, you're right. I need a personal manager... Or a wife, either one would be ok.... Hmm, who do I know that can do this for me, that isn't my mother??? Need to think about that one.
Yes, I am going to burn out. That's why I'm going out this weekend to do nothing but have fun, we'll see what happens.... Train wreck probably...
Josie, 1) They seem to have her under control now. A couple years ago, not so much. 2) Aww, thank you! 3)I know, I know, I'll figure it out. You know I will...
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