So, I'm going through my reader to see what everyone's got to say today and I come across Noelle Marie's post on having a commitment phobia. Go ahead, read it real quick. It's not long and I'll wait.....
Ok, we good now? Great. Just an FYI, this is me in a nutshell. With the exception of #4. I'm confident in the fact that when I'm in a relationship I won't be betrayed. As you can see from my previous experience with stalkers and boyfriends that JUST WON'T GO AWAY, that's not something I have to worry about. I've never had a significant other cheat on me. It's that **thing** that I have. The one I've talked about before that attracts people to me. It's also the thing that makes them not go away. Magnetic personality. I guess that's the best way to categorize it.
Anywho, commitment phobia. Yeah Noelle, I can identify. I have one set of grandparents that have been together for 50 some odd years who merely tolerate each other at this point because, hello? They're old and can you imagine dating in your 60's?? Each of my parents have been married 3 times and are miserable with their current marriages, but at the same time, they're in their 50's and 60's, do they want to start all over again? Well no. I guess it's just easier to wait it out and hope the someone dies sooner rather than later? I mean my dad had been on that whole gonna die kick for like 9 years now. My stepmom has to be pissed she's waiting all that out.... And I'm pissed that the Harley and tractor that I would eventually inherit are going to be sold of to take care of him in his incapacitated state... Not really, I'm sure I was written out of his will long ago...
My stepdad has been sick for like 10 years now and I know my mom is resentful that she has to take care of him. Is that what life ends up being? Two people miserable waiting for the other to kick the bucket? If that's the case, why would I want to be involved with anyone long-term? Part of the reason I got rid of the ex-husband was that he gained like 50 lbs while we were married. Why would I want spend the rest of my life with someone with such little regard for their personal appearance and health? I mean really? That just screams heart disease, diabetes, something....
Maybe that whole article just made me think about things more clearly. It's not that I DON'T want to find Mr. Right. It's that I don't want to make the mistake of settling down with Mr. Wrong.... Again. Hell, I'm about to turn 33 in a couple of months and already have one failed marriage under my belt. My mother was working on number 3 at my age. Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but at the same time, I am deathly afraid of making the wrong decision again. Every time I meet someone I start to look for the bad and pick the person apart and wonder why I'm wasting my time with them. I mean hello??? I'm not getting any younger.....
One of the things I have the advantage/disadvantage of seeing working at the bar is seeing everyone and their relationships or lack there of. You have the miserable married people who come in without their significant other just as an escape. Obviously they're married, I can see the ring on their finger. Obviously they're miserable because of the amount of flirting they do with me and every other chick in the bar all night. I often wonder why they stay with the person if they're that unhappy. Maybe they're not as cut and run as I am. There are others that slip their ring off before they walk in the bar. Though it's common knowledge they're married, they don't wish to talk about it while they're drowning their sorrows. My favorites are the married couples that come in together. Most of them you can still see the chemistry at work through the witty banter they share over drinks, pool and keno. Very rarely does a couple come in that you can tell that they don't want to be there together. I suppose if that was the case, one would just leave the other at home.
Then there are the single people. My bar is a magnet for the older crowd during the week. When I say older, I mean mid 40's. Not exactly old, but exactly the crowd I don't want to be in 10 years. They are single and for the most part miserable. I sit night after night and listen to them talk about how they can't seem to meet the right person and how they're pretty sure that they'll die alone (though they won't admit to this until 4 too many drinks). This depresses me. This makes me think of me in 10 years.... Ugh. It would be easy to say, "Well, you're not going to meet someone hanging out in the bar every night." But that's not the case. I hear their trials and tribulations with online dating, personal matchmakers, other people setting them up and it failing, all of that. I do the best I can to make suggestions, because well, that's what I feel like I'm supposed to do because they're laying it all out on the table for me to voice an opinion, but on the inside I'm like "Damn, this is going to be someday." Fuck....
Hey, It's Okay
1 day ago
8 comments:
That 40s crowd spends their times in bars and complaining that their online and in-person matchmakers keep failing them. Those 40s somethings never go out and actually do much, they don't meet people with similar interests. They pretty much eat, sleep, work and look for Mr/Mrs Right not realizing that they themselves are such shallow sods there is no Mr/Mrs Right for them. The only thing that really goes with their interests is a swizzle stick or an olive. They don't restore automobiles, climb mountains, fly airplanes, paint sunsets, write plays, find mushrooms or compose songs. They work, eat, sleep, drink and screw... and bemoan the fact that they are not screwing Mr/Mrs Right.
Hmmm... great post!!
One reason that the 40s-somethings (and 50's-somethings) aren't going out and doing much, is because of other commitments. After a hard day at work taking care of obligations that need to be handled, there may not be energy for expending that effort to meet someone. Think about how easy (or easier) it was to meet someone while we were in school (high school, college)... we were around others, and that may not be true in our work careers...
~shoes~
The married person that comes in to the bar alone, sometimes needs a little space. My normal day (while not nearly as hectic as yours) goes like this:
4:30-6:00am Dressed/Kids ready/drop off before work
6:00-4:30pm: Work
4:30-8:00pm: Eat, play with kids or go to kids (insert activity here)
8:00-9:00pm: read kids a book tuck them in 15 different times
9:00-pass out: Study/Homework from full-time college
Repeat 5 days a week, weekends are filled with friends/more kids stuff/and occassionally... having a quiet drink alone with adult interactions at a bar
I love my wife and kids more than anything, but those drinks at the bar once a month or so refuel me.
You know Drizz, I have a couple of regulars like that, though not many. From what I gather talking with them, their houses are chaos and sometimes they just want to get away from it. One in particular that stands out is a guy who's wife runs home daycare, in which she takes care of 6 kids. He comes in most days for a couple of hours to play the video crack machine until the kids are gone. Then sometimes he and his wife come back in later.
Shoes and Flea, so basically what you're both saying is that once I hit 40, my hopes of meeting someone are going to drastically decrease (like they haven't already) because of my other obligations and the fact that I don't have single friends that are down to go out and do things like climb mountains or write plays and get me out there into things I wouldn't normally do?
Never settle Tara.. Either you find someone right for you or you enjoy being the wonderful, special person you are with all your great friends and a little dick on the side. Flea sounds disgruntled. LOL.
"I guess it's just easier to wait it out and hope the someone dies sooner rather than later?" I'm ROLLING
"It's not that I DON'T want to find Mr. Right. It's that I don't want to make the mistake of settling down with Mr. Wrong" TOTALLY agree
I can't even fathom time frames anymore, like being together a year, how ridiculous. A year single, is like nothing, big deal. A year in a relationship makes me feel claustrophobic to the point of almost being sick. I mean I literally cannot even begin to imagine a lifetime with anyone. If I'm with someone longer then a week, IF that, I'm looking for faults. I also don't think it helped hearing my mom and sister say "if you don't like something about the person now, you certainly wont like it when youre married to it." I think when little "gems" like that get passed on... it's helpful, however.. it's not lol
Waffles is right, except maybe not a LITTLE dick. :)
Drizz, don't forget spending time "kicking josie's ass heads up". Can't do that anymore!
Oh, heck, what is wrong with being disgruntled?
Now you can take note of the finger length of females which is determined at about three months after conception and you can realize that is also the time of a pre-natal testosterone bath, but rather than focusing on such matters its best to just focus on action. If all you do is go into bars and get sloshed to the gills, then just about the only men you will meet are men who hang out in bars and are attracted to females who are sloshed to the gills. Usually any such attraction is for the wrong reasons anyway and is hardly the basis for a long-lasting relationship.
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