Life Is So Freaking Weird...

Bet you didn't think you'd see a post from me today. Truth is, I had a little spare time so I figured I'd do a little something. I've been trying to post through the app on my phone, but my posts are usually king of long and that's annoying.

Things have been, well, weird. Good weird, but weird all the same. Remember Josh?  Remember that whole fucked up situation that I wrote about on several occasions?    Mr. "me with a penis"?  Yep, him.  We're living together.  Actually we're seriously talking about getting engaged soon.  Weird how two people who have been doing this dumb shit to each other for over three years can decide to put that all aside and actually get along.  Fall in love even.  Back in I think it was August we started trying to do normal things.  Cook dinner together, hang out, all that "dating" crap.  It was nice to have him around because honestly I had not many prospects and I was tired of all the dumb shit with some of the other boys.  Every time we had one of those dates, I left feeling good about the situation, but by the next day it was just a memory.  We went back to each of us doing "us" and not really putting the effort in we should have been.  Of course it didn't work.  It actually got really out of control via text message and I sent him a scathing text with an attachment of the definition of a Sociopath.  That went over like a turd in a punchbowl for about a week.  He finally got up the courage to tell me that text message really opened his eyes.

Things have been great since then.  I can only imagine how he feels moving into my house.  At some points I can sympathize with the chaos.  He no longer wonders why I drink heavily sometimes....

His mother loves me.  He's totally freaked out by that.  I guess she hates everyone.  We've been doing stuff with his family and his parents actually invited us to go to Mexico with them in October.  That will be a fun getaway for us.  My parents, not so much.  You could pretty much say that I've severed myself from my family.  They were doing nothing for me but making me feel like shit about myself.  My kids still go over, but I don't really have any contact with them.   It's time to do what's best for me and my family, not everyone else.

I got in some more trouble back in September.  I don't think I wrote about it, but the long and the short is that I'm looking at doing 30 days in jail in April.  Yay me.  I'm still hoping that my lawyer will pull a miracle out of his ass because he's drinking buddies with the judge.  And I figure the more time that goes by maybe the punishment will be lessened.  Don't get me wrong, I did the crime, I'll do the time if that's what's needed, but who really wants to spend ANY time in jail, let alone 30 days. 

I've spent the last 4 months doing counseling and the other dumb shit they're making me do and it boils down to this (which unfortunately sucks) if you don't have insurance, nobody wants to do anything with you.  I actually had a counselor ask me if there was anyone I could marry that had insurance because I could get better care.  What.The.Fuck?  Who says that?  I don't need care.  I watch Intervention, I know what happens to people who drink all day every day.  I don't wake up and need a drink, in fact, most days, I don't even think about having a drink.  When I do have one, I can't just have one.  I can't just go out and have a couple and be social.  I drink to get drunk.  Maybe it's once in two weeks, maybe it's three times in a week.  Depends on how I feel really.  Depends on my mood.  Some days I feel more bipolar than other, which does affect my drinking. 

I've been working on controlling my mood swings though.  Some days it's hard to get out of bed, but it's not nearly as hard as it used to be.  I'm more in control these days.  Everyone has noticed I'm happier, even without all the drugs I refused to let them put me on.  Some days it's a front, some days it's genuine.  Just depends on the day I guess.  Each day I keep in mind that life is getting better by the day and I have someone who genuinely cares about me and wants to be with me.  Some days that's all that keeps me going.....

Karma Bitches, Karma...

So damn it, I'm typing this on my phone because my stupid desktop broke & I'm keeping up my end of the writing every week deal unlike some people (you know who you are).

I got a bit of good karma a couple of weeks ago. I wrote last year about my struggle with my youngest child's father and our custody battle that ultimately I lost out on. I've been good, following directions, picking up and dropping off on time & being as pleasant as possible while speaking to him and his bitch as little as humanly possible.

Things were getting weird over the last month though. Evan was spending an increasing amount of time with his aunt and grandmother. They were the ones picking him up and dropping him off at my house, not Jordan. And I wasn't making the hour and a half round trip to pick the kid up at his house hardly ever. Weird, but not alarming. Jordan is a lineman for an electrical contractor, so he works weird hours.

One day a few weeks ago Jordan's mom dropping Evan off and asked if we could talk. Based on our track record I was cringing inside. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Jordan's fiancé left him. I guess after four years of trying to change him into a bible toting family man she finally gave up. Heh.

Do I feel bad for my kid? Yes. He's three and he's ridiculously smart, so he knows what's going on. All of his "normal" at his dads house is gone. Now he's hustled here and there at all times of the day and night because of his dads work schedule. Sure he's with people that love him to death, but his sense of what's normal is gone.

The household once deemed unstable is now the only normal thing he can count on. If I didn't still owe my lawyer a bunch of money I'd fight to get the kid back full time, but I'm going to wait a bit and see how this all works out. Why? Because I'm not the vengeful, hating bitch that he wants me to be. Will I throw an "I told you so" in there whenever I can? Absolutely.

He was complaining the other day that he didn't have a sitter and couldn't go to work. Sucks being a single parent that works weird hours, doesn't it? He'll figure it out. In the meantime I'll just sit back and watch the drama between him & her unfold. We have quite a few mutual friends so I'm already hearing things.

The one thing that had me laughing my ass off was the other day, creeping her Facebook page, I noticed she got a job.... Selling dildos... I'm not sure what the bible says about masturbation and bondage but I'm fairly certain it's frowned upon by the church. Seriously? Out of all the jobs you could have gotten, this is what you chose? Awesome. I wonder if Jordan knows about all that?
Anywho.....karma bitches, karma. Treat people right because you never know when you'll need them to be on your side... I'm sure there will be a custody battle over the child they had together and I'll probably get called in on it. Maybe that's why he's being nice all the sudden....

Saturday Nights...

I have one day off every two weeks. Today was that day. Did I have a day full of cleaning, getting shit done then some relaxing? No. I might have folded a load of laundry around 7:30, but that was about it for productivity. I spent the day with Josh and his mother. Yeah Josh, the idiot who has given me nothing but grief for the last three years. Supposedly we're working on our relationship. It's more like we text each other when we're lonely, spend approximately 24 hours together then want to rip each others faces off with hatred. Since we were with his mom at a cookout today I was the buffer and no fighting happened. Awesome, I guess. I'm really still kind of whatever about he and I. Sure, we have history, we're both retardedly comfortable with each other and sometimes we get along. Most of the time we're complete assholes to each other. Ugh. Let's move on... After the cookout I attended the other Tara's 10th birthday party for her kid. It was nice to get a couple of hours to catch up with her since I don't get to see her very often these days. We work completely opposite schedules, so I pretty much don't see anyone anymore unless they come up to the bar. Most of the time that's ok with me, it keeps me out of all their drama, but it does at times, get lonely. I guess that's kind of what I'm left with tonight, loneliness.... Instead of going out with some of my friends from the bar, I decided to stay in. Besides that fact it's time to start scrounging the mortgage payment, I just didn't feel like dealing with anyone. Right about now is when I decide that was a sucky idea because I'm getting my second wind for the day (because this is my prime time being a night creature anymore) and I'm ridiculously bored. Catching up on Hell's Kitchen and cooking a meatloaf because it sounded good when they were making them on the show... Yep, retarded.... My oven doesn't even work right, but we'll see what happens. What else?? Oh yeah, I got to go to two concerts last week. The first one was Tuesday and was Mumford and Sons. I can't believe more people don't know them because they are pretty fucking awesome!! I wish I could post the video I took, but I have no idea how to do that on here. I probably would have to upload it to Youtube and then link it and I'm not quite that bored. If you don't know who they are, look them up. I took my friend Tyler because I couldn't find anyone else to go with me on such short notice (my date canceled last minute) and he's an awesome wingman. We actually play the part of brother and sister really freaking well, which works out awesome for both of us most of the time. This time was no different. He immediately honed in on a drunk girl with too many beers in her hands that needed assistance finding her friends who were up front.... Awesome. We led her right through thousands of people until we got about 6 rows deep from the front of the stage and couldn't get any further. Needless to say, the experience was pretty badass!!

I lost Tyler at the end of the show. He was too busy making out with the drunk chick and I had to pee. I headed up to the bar to have a drink while I was waiting on him and ran into a group of HOT guys offering to buy me a drink. Umm ok then. I spent the next two hours talking to one of them and dancing like two drunk retards. Good stuff. He called me on Wednesday and wanted to go out again, so we hit up the Tesla concert on Thursday. Good times. Next time I see him I'm gonna have to sneak a pic. He's totally outta my league... And older than I'd normally date, but I'm trying to expand my horizons... Something like that....

And now I gotta go because he just texted and wants me to meet him out... Hell yeah... We'll talk tomorrow because I have some other things to talk about that need their own post.

Yeah, Blonde

Since Josie commented on it and I just got it redone, I figured I'd post a fresh pic

Something different than the whole red thing...

Concerts-I'm A Lucky Girl...

Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows that I'm a concert junkie. So let's not talk about all the things in my head, let's talk about the fun shows I've been to lately...

June 4th-Red Hot Chili Peppers
Got mediocre seats in the presale & wasn't very happy about it..

Oh look, on the Blogger app, you can't insert pictures into your text.. Well that's fun...I guess we'll call this experimental mobile blogging with pics at the bottom...

July 11th-Summerland Tour, Gin Blossoms, Lit, Everclear, Marcy Playground & Sugar Ray. Ahh, $10 tickets and 3 drunk girls on the lawn with their driver.. Fun stuff, what I remember of it anyway...

July 13th-Sublime w/Rome & Cypress Hill.. This was a birthday concert with my friend D. Though I didn't do a Hit From The Bong, I did take a hit from the joint & ended up ridiculously fucked up. This girl was reminded why she doesn't mix drinking & smoking... Or perhaps why I don't smoke pot EVER..


July 18th-Offspring
I wanted to go to this concert, but I wasn't going to take off a closing shift AND pay for tickets, especially the day before I left for vacation. My friend Steph won tickets in a drawing. My boss gave me a pass to come in late and we went to the show. I can't even tell you how bad ass this show was...


July 26th-Sebastian Bach & Cinderella
I got off work at 7 and had no business going out this night, but a couple of friends stopped in the bar beforehand and coerced me into going.. Then as we were getting ready to hop in the car my friend Melissa pulled up & we kidnapped her straight from her car. We were under yet another threat of severe weather, so they moved the concert inside. I was not happy, but I had some other friends there, so we weaseled our way up with them and it ended up good. The picture with the guys with the kid and his arms up in the air is Sebastian Bach's kid. He was awesome!!

I guess that's been about it. Between vacation and all those concerts, I'm worn out!!

16 Years Ago...

We're less than an hour from the birth of my first son, Brandon, 16 years ago.

At 1:07am, as a bomb went off at the Atlanta Olympics, a girl, just two weeks over 18, gave birth to the child that would save her life. Her parents were disappointed in her decision, but they didn't know the things she was doing. They had no idea she had a drug problem and was close to dropping out of school because she just didn't care about anything anymore. She wanted to be high and party her life away with the most important boy she'd ever met. Her soulmate...

He loved her and was going to be by her side forever, but almost missed the birth of his only child. Her mother would have liked that, but he made it because even though she refused to go get him, he had people that cared about him, even when his own family didn't.

He didn't stick around long, but that was because eventually she grew up and he didn't. She's reminded every day of him because his son might as well be his twin. Every day she wonders if he's ok, not knowing if he's well or not, every day stuck in the "what if" of life, waiting on the eventual call of his demise....

Some day that call will come, until then, she will continue to wait, hoping that her son has learned not to be like his father... That he has been raised better than that....

Friends, Lovers and Stupid F**king Relationships

It should be obvious at this point if you've read my blog for long that I have problems with relationships... Both the friend kind and the intimate kind. Maybe it's because I'm such an inherently distrustful person. Maybe it's because I don't want to form those kinds of bonds with anyone. Hell, I just lost what was my best long distance friend because we decided to give it a go at a relationship and it didn't work out. Maybe we should have just stayed long distance friends, talking every day, bitching about our lives and things would still be ok between us. Maybe not, but now our once great relationship is now damaged probably beyond repair. For those of you not following, I kicked Chip out the week before Christmas. It felt shitty and still does, but I couldn't continue supporting a household of 6 on a bartender salary. It was miserable. If I'm gonna be miserable, I'd rather be alone and miserable. It's been rough, I'm not gonna lie. I had love for that boy. I still do, truth be told, but it's just not right and probably never will be. At some point I suppose I'll feel better about all of it. Just not right now. I fell back on all of that by hanging out with Nicole more. Trying to make sense of all of it and how it all went bad. Her, being incapable of having a normal relationship herself, wasn't much help, but at least I had someone to hang out with. Part of my problem these days is that I don't want to be alone... Ever... Kind of weird considering I was once the person who didn't need anyone, ever. Over the last few weeks I've been hanging out with one of my regulars, who I really like, but it's complicated and something I don't want to really get into. I've also been hanging out with Josh and Brandon, but just hanging out. No sex or anything, just company. Last Sunday I was hanging out with Josh after Nicole pissed me off so bad I almost punched her in my place of work Saturday night and I showed him a picture of us at Sexapalooza the day before. He laughed and pulled out his phone and showed me the same picture that she had sent him. WHAT.THE.FUCK???? Nicole, the same girl that was living with my ex-husband for like 6 months, was trying to get with MY Josh. That fucking whorebag. Even if I hadn't been pissed off the night before, I was ready to shoot death beams out of my eyes at her now. I can't even explain how betrayed by her I feel right now. I used to consider her my #2 best friend, but I kept hearing things that she was doing, only I didn't believe them. After I read the texts on Josh's phone, I confirmed what a whore she really is. I mean, who does that???? Who goes around sniffing after their best friend's sloppy seconds? Apparently this bitch! Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean, in my head it's just not right. I would NEVER try and get with someone like that. I let the ex-husband thing go, because, well, that was all really over. I didn't like it, but I didn't say anything about it. When Chip said she was all over him when we were at the casino, I was a little leery about the whole thing, then I hear this with Josh. Seriously people, I need input on this because I haven't spoken to her in a week and have no intention of doing so any time in the near future because of not only this, but all the lying about everything that she does. I'm so over it all with her. Other relationship noteworthy news, the other Tara and Mike got engaged at Christmas. Now she hangs out even less with me, probably because it was a condition for getting the ring, so I'm kind of down about that too. Where are all the good people? The friends that have your back through ANYTHING, the men in your life who are supposed to be with you forever. Where did they go? I mean, I'll go down for one of my friends, but it kind of hurts when everyone just kind of bails out on you after you've been through so much.....