Should I Have Stuck It Out? Part 1

I just realized that 7 years ago at this time, I was in the middle of one of the most turbulent times of my life. No wonder I've been a little off lately. This one single event changed the rest of my life. Was it for better or worse? I don't know anymore. Part of me hates myself for not sticking it out, part of me is relieved that I got to do something else with my life, so I'm just really unsure....Here's the story. I'll warn you though, it's depressing.....

My relationship with Nick, which started in high school, wasn't exactly what you would call normal. We met through a friend. I won't even get into that because it's a another story that probably doesn't need repeated and a lifestyle in which I don't even wanna get into these days. We have been together off and on since I was 16. He is the father of Brandon and even though he's not Gavin's dad, he has always treated that child like his own, even offering to sign his birth certificate so Gavin wouldn't eventually find out that his dad was a piece of shit and wanted nothing to do with him. Nick has loved me through some of my worst times. I know that if I called him today and told him I missed him and wanted him to come back home, he would drop whatever he was doing and come back.

Sounds nice doesn't it? The down side to having this person who loved me sooooo much was that he was lazy. I'm not talking about laying around watching football on the weekends or having worked so hard all day that he comes home and naps in the evening. I'm talking about a person who watched me slave day in and day out at two jobs, only to come home and find that he and the kids had wrecked the house and I needed to put it back together.....at midnight. He was home with the boys all day, so immediately when I got home, he would leave and go out with his friends or whatever it was he did back then. Ok, I say that like I don't know where he was or what he was doing. He was getting high. He is a person who believed the elaborate pot growing operation in our garage would mean that he didn't have to work again. I could go on and on with his money scams, which usually did not produce any income into our household, not that I wanted to get money that way, but at that point, I would have taken any help. I tried to help him get jobs, which he would work for a little while, but then he wouldn't be satisfied and he'd quit or get fired. Honestly, I think I tried as hard as I could in that relationship.

This last time we were together, about 7 years ago, we were really trying to make a go of things and settle down to be a family. We moved out of our duplex, me and the kids in with my parents, him with friends, so that I could payoff some debt and we were going to buy a house. We could get into a house and it would be cheaper monthly than renting. I thought at the time, us buying a house together would push him into growing up a little.

Everything went well for about 6 months. I was chugging along working and paying bills, he was doing whatever it is that he does when I'm not around. On that fateful day, we went to his parents house for a cookout to celebrate Brandon's birthday and the fact that we had found a house that we could afford and were going to move forward on it. After hanging out all day, I went back to my parents house, glad we had a good day. On the way home, I lost my cell phone, but I was so worn out, I just figured that I would look for it in the morning.

When I went out to the car in the morning to look for my phone, I found that the seat had swallowed it. When I looked at it, I saw that I had 30 missed calls and 5 voicemails. Weird..... When I looked at the missed calls and saw that they were from him, his mom and stepdad, I knew something bad had happened. The first voicemail was him, telling me he was out for the evening with his friends and that he loved me and wished I was there. The next 4 were from his parents telling me that there had been an accident and I needed to come to the hospital immediately. I went in the house and threw up, then tried to convey to my mom that we needed to go through the hospital while hyperventilating. My mom, who has NEVER been a fan of him made arrangements for a neighbor to watch the kids and took me to the hospital.

Just a sidenote our immediate metro area has 6 hospitals. I knew it was bad when I was told he was at Grant, which is our metro area's top hospital for trauma.

As soon as I walked in the door to the hospital I saw his mom and stepdad. I was hugged by them both, which was just weird because I've never seen them hug their own son or their grandchild, let alone me. We sat in the waiting room for a long time. Nobody was allowed to see him until they could stabilize him. I finally had to leave because I needed to get back to the kids. I was told to come back later that night and they would keep me posted on any developments.

Let me just say, I'm a pretty unemotional person. Maybe my mom wasn't as loving as she should have been when I was a child or something. I don't know. I just don't let my feelings show. I went and picked up the kids and tried to put on my best happy face I could for two little boys that loved their dad, no matter how big of a fuck up he was.

Later that night, I got word that he was out of surgery, but it was bad. I could come up to the hospital if I thought I could handle it. I went up that night with Tara. I don't know what I thought I was going to see, but when I saw him, I refused to believe it was him at all. The person laying in that bed weighed what appeared to be 400lbs. He looked like he would explode if you touched him. I was told that he was in a drug induced coma because he has massive internal injuries.

Nobody knew what had really happened. All they knew was that he has been in a car crash out in the country and the two other people who had been in the car had ran off and left him there. Luckily the crash happened near a house and it woke the owner up, who called 911 when he went outside and saw the wreckage. Because he has no drivers license and everyone else fled the scene, they couldn't contact anyone for quite some time. They had to take fingerprints in hope that he was in the system so he could be identified and they could call someone down to the hospital to be with him. Luckily, being a hoodlum, he was in the police database. Eventually the police found the owner of the car, who had let one of her daughters friends drive the car. They tracked down the girl and found out that they had been at a bar with several other people. Nick wanted to leave at one point, but didn't have a ride, so this girl and a mutual friend of ours were going to take him home. What they were doing clear out in the country none of us still know. This girl, who was not only drunk, but underage thought it would be funny to turn off the headlights and drive. She hit a ditch, then a phone pole at about 50 miles an hour without even trying to stop. Her and the boy in the front fled the scene because they were uninjured "forgetting" Nick was sleeping in the backseat. He had crawled into the back seat, put on his seatbelt and fallen asleep on the little joyride. When the ambulance came, he had to be cut out of the car and was unconscious.

His internal injuries were numerous. His lung had collapsed and his liver had basically exploded because of the amount of pressure on it from the seatbelt. He had head injuries, cuts, bruises the works. I had never seen anything so horrific as when I was shown that they had split him from the bottom of his ribcage to his pubic bone and had what amounted to a corset on, holding his insides in, just in case they needed to get back in there again. Which they did several times.

I went down every night when I got off work for a couple of weeks. I'd talk to him because I had heard or read somewhere that they can hear you. I took down pictures of the kids, so the first thing he saw when he woke up was them, but he wasn't getting any better. After the first couple of weeks, I just couldn't go down anymore. Between working two jobs, trying to take care of the kids and finalizing everything with the new house, I just didn't have time. I'd make it down a couple times on the weekend, but that was all I could do.

Eventually, being in the drug induced coma, between the surgeries and his body giving it everything it had, he started getting better. After about 6 weeks, they brought him out of the coma. I knew exactly what was going to happen and didn't think I could deal with it, so I wasn't there. As expected, the flipped out and started tearing at the tubes and machines that were hooked up to him. They had to heavily sedate him so that he didn't undo any of the repairs that had been made to him. His mother called to say that the pictures of the boys were the first thing he saw and in the midst of freaking out, he grabbed at them and cried. A couple of days later he was moved into the general population of the hospital, well enough to be around other people. I went and we talked quite a bit, but something was off. He wanted me to bring the kids down to see him because, let me just say this, though he was not any type of breadwinner in our family, he was ALWAYS a wonderful father. I couldn't let the boys see him like that. They were only 6 and not even 5 and I knew that it would kill them to see their dad that way. Another couple of weeks later, he was released from the hospital. Being as he didn't have insurance, they were quick to kick him out once he was reasonably well.

The boys and I had moved into our new house while Nick was in the hospital. I thank God every day for my friends and even my family during this difficult time. We had been in for almost a month when he came home to live with us and this is where it all fell apart. It was obvious that he shouldn't have been let out of the hospital. His incision in his belly had to be packed every day while it healed and no matter how many pain pills he took he still hurt. He couldn't find comfort in anything, which also meant he never slept. A man who's kids were once the center of his world yelled and screamed at them until they wouldn't come out of their rooms because they were scared of him. They weren't the only ones. I got yelled and screamed at any time I was home because I wasn't accommodating enough. This was clearly not the man that I had loved for so many years. That man would never raise his voice to me and certainly never to the children.

I put up with this for about 3 weeks, hoping every day that he would get better and we would be happy. Things just kept getting worse. The day I made him leave, he had raised his hand to hit Brandon, something that I would have thought I would never see out of him. I called his mother, who lives close and told her I was done. That she needed to come and get him because I couldn't do it anymore. She came and got him. That was the last time I saw her.

I've only seen Nick probably 5 times since that day. Two of those times were in the last year or so when we've been in court because he apparently would rather go to jail then pay me any child support. The other couple of times were in random passing because we live in the same town. There is no doubt in my mind that he still trolls the hood, seeing what me and the boys are up to, but he keeps his distance, which suits me fine.

For years I had to listen to the kids recount all the times they did things with him and went places with him. I had to deal with Gavin telling his entire 2nd grade class that his dad was in jail because he was a bad man and Brandon drawing pictures of his dad in a coffin, but eventually they just stopped asking about him. Now that they are older, we have had conversations about him and why they don't see him. It's gotten a little easier for all of us to just live our lives with out the complications that he would present. I have a wonderful network of male friends and family members who are always a huge help when one of them needs to go camping or fishing or any of those other things that I'm not good at.

What I'm honestly wondering today is.....What would have happened if I would have stuck it out?

The Longest Randon Survey Ever Pt. 1

So, my friends like to send surveys around on Facebook and MySpace. I like to hoard them all for a boring evening and then combine them into monster surveys about the most random crap ever. Below I give you Part 1 of the incredibly long survey I did on Monday night. Nothing real deep or anything, but some of the questions were funny! Happy Thursday!!

What is your name? Tara
How old are you? 31
When is your birthday? 7/14
How tall are you? 5’9”
How much do you weigh? 140ish
Describe your hair color: Naturally? I have no clue.
Right now? Some fucked up brownish blonde
Your eye color: They used to be really brown, but these days they’re more green
Birthplace: Franklin, PA

When's the last time you ran? A few days ago
Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Some of them
What are you dreading right now? Nothing really....
Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? I could only wish
If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? Lay In bed and watch tv all day

Who last grabbed your ass? Probably T’s dad
Do you own a pair of Converse? Nope, I'm a Sketchers kind of girl
Do you eat raw cookie dough? Sometimes
Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Oh Yeah
Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? Absolutely
How do you eat Oreos? I shove the whole thing in my mouth
Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? Maybe
Are you cocky? Sometimes

Could you live without a computer? Uhh…No
Do you wear your shoes in the house? No I don’t wear shoes unless I absolutely have to
Who or what sleeps with you? Depends on the night
At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? I don’t remember, obviously it wasn't too dramatic or anything....
How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? 6, 3 of them work
What do you do when you're sad? Eat
Who would you call first if you won the lottery? T cause we’d be going to get our boobs done and some liposuction

Last time you saw your best friend? Yesterday
What jewelry are you wearing? My diamond earrings are all I have left.
Is anyone on your bad side now? Sure, they know who they are
What's the first thing you do when you get online? Check email
Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Yep
How do most people spell your name? Tera
Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? Sure if they were comfy
Do you have a dishwasher? Hell yes, I hate doing dishes
Do you return your cart? No, I make one of the kids do it
What are you doing tomorrow? Work then soccer, just like today and yesterday

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? Let’s hope not
Favorite name for a girl? Ava
Favorite name for a boy? Ethan
How would you describe your love life? A series of unfortunate sexual events for the most part....
Are you lonely right now? Yeah
Will you keep your last name when you get married? I didn’t and it sucked
When was the last time you left your house? About an hour ago
What noise do you hear? Music & A’s dogs barking

Would you survive in prison? Probably not
Who is the youngest in your family? Of us sisters? M by 6 minutes
If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely over pack? N
Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Uhh duh yeah…Actually quite a few people
What's the last thing you purchased? Smokes this morning. A laptop for G last night
Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? Once in awhile
What brand are your pants right now? Adidas
Ever been to Georgia (the state)? Ok, what other Georgia is there? Is it a country somewhere I'm missing out on?? But to answer the question.....Not intentionally, I’ve driven through it more than once

What irritates you most on the internet? Slow connections and popups
What brand is your digital camera? Fuji
Do you watch movies with your parents? Not anymore
What song best describes your life right now? You Know I’m No Good-Amy Winehouse
Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? Depends on what you think is expensive, $100 a bottle? Yes, multiples
Do you like sushi? No

Do you get your hair cut every month? I used to, back when I had money
Do you go online everyday? Oh yeah
Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Does it matter? The boogy man will get you either way
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? If they smell good
Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No
Do you like to use post-it notes? Sure
Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yep
Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Swarm of bees
Do you have freckles? Not anymore

Do you always smile for pictures? No
What is your biggest pet peeve? Fingernail clipping
Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Maybe sometimes
Have you ever peed in the woods? Sure
What about pooped in the woods? Maybe, lol
Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? Usually not
Do you chew your pens and pencils? Not anymore, I'm not as sexually frustrated as I used to be
How many people have you slept with this week? What kind of question is this? None…..
What size is your bed? Cal King
Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Sure
Do you still watch cartoons? Only if kids make me or it’s Family Guy

What’s your least favorite movie? Anything with Tom Green
Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? I’m not telling, you bitches will steal it!
What do you drink with dinner? Depends on what’s for dinner
What do you dip a chicken nugget in? BBQ
What is your favorite food? A good cheeseburger
What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Gone In 60 Seconds, Fight Club pretty much any cheesy 80’s movie
Last person you kissed/kissed you? One of my kids I’m sure
Were you ever a boy/girl scout? I was a Brownie, didn’t make it to girl scouts my mom was lazy and didn't like taking us.

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? If there was money involved sure
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Uhh…. I typed one not all that long ago
Can you change the oil on a car? No
Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yes, but never in the state I live in. Two in PA and one in Missouri
Ran out of gas? Yeah, but not in my car….Asshole ex-husband.....
Favorite kind of sandwich? Turkey on white with mayo, onion & lettuce
Best thing to eat for breakfast? Mini chocolate donutslol, oops that is what I eat every day. The best would be eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, white toast and a side of pancakes. Yes I can finish it all.
What is your usual bedtime? 11 or so

Are you lazy? Not as lazy as I'd like to be....
What is your Chinese astrological sign? Apparently a horse, I had to look this one up
How many languages can you speak? One fluently, one well enough to know what the Mexicans in the kitchens at restaurants are saying.
Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Rolling Stone lifetime subscription
Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos
Are you stubborn? Oh yeah
Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Leno
Ever watch soap operas? When I wasn’t employed during the day

Afraid of heights? No
Sing in the car? Sure
Dance in the shower? Uh no, I’d hurt myself somehow
Dance in the car? What the hell? Seat dance I suppose
Ever used a gun? Sure
Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably that awful family pic when the boys were little
Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes
Is Christmas stressful? Oh yeah

Ever eat a pierogi? Love perogis
Favorite type of fruit pie? Cherry
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? I don’t remember
Do you believe in ghosts? Sure
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Oh yeah
Take a vitamin daily? No, but I should
Wear slippers? Hell no
Wear a bath robe? Sometimes
What do you wear to bed? Depends on who's there….
First concert? Aerosmith I traded my good seats my parents bought for lawn seats so I could sit with my friends and smoke pot lol

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Wal-Mart
Nike or Adidas? Nike
Cheetos Or Fritos? Neither
Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? SEEDS!!
Ever take dance lessons? Hell no, I’m uncoordinated
Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Uhh I’m not planning on a future spouse, but as long as he’s employed it’ll be ok
Can you curl your tongue? Yes
Ever won a spelling bee? Not that I remember

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Sure
Own any record albums? No
Own a record player? No, god, I’m not that old!
Regularly burn incense? No, incense is for dirty hippies
Ever been in love? So I thought…
Who would you like to see in concert? Looking forward to Kings of Leon
What was the last concert you saw? Black Crowes
Hot tea or cold tea? Cold, I drink about a gallon a day now that I've given up my Mt. Dew addiction
Tea or coffee? Tea
Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sugar
Can you swim well? Not right now with fractured ribs, normally, I guess so

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes
Are you patient? Absolutely not
DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ
Ever won a contest? Yep, Fall Out Boy tickets back in March
Ever have plastic surgery? Not yet, but I'm planning on getting new boobs soon
Which are better black or green olives? Neither
Can you knit or crochet? Nope
Best room for a fireplace? Bedroom
Do you want to get married? Probably not, but I wouldn’t rule it out entirely I guess
If married, how long have you been married? Was for just over 2 years
Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Maybe sometimes....
Do you have kids? Yes
Do you want kids? Not usually

Fractured....

So, I have two ribs fractured twice each. Two in the front and two under my arm pit. Apparently the way I hit the ground was just weird enough to do that. The doctor looked at me with a look of this poor battered woman and asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about. Well dude, no, there isn't. I got drunk, was acting like an idiot and got hurt. It's not the first time. Lol, normally I don't even have to be drunk to hurt myself. Hell, I spent 9 months in a cast because I can't walk and eat nachos at the same time! I'm sure as shit not a battered woman! Apparently the solution for fractured ribs is Vicodin. There's nothing else they can do. That's what I've been taking anyway, but now I have an arsenal of it. In about 3 weeks I will be whole again. Bummer I can't go to the gym because I can't really do anything. Oh well.....



So anyways, I get a call this morning from Tara. She wasn't at work this morning because her sister is very sick and probably dying. I had asked her to call me when she heard anything new about her sister's status. We talked about that for quite awhile and all of the sudden she asks me if I'm outside. Well, no, I'm not, but let me go take a smoke break. I go out and am having a smoke in front of work and she says "Look at your car". FUUUCCCKKKKKK. They got me last night! I let my guard down slightly because Kyle is back on his boat and I didn't figure he'd be clever enough to orchestrate a hit from there.. I have underestimated him. Apparently Tara got a text message first thing this morning showing this:






Yeeeahhhh....The soccer mom gets had, courtesy of my next door neighbor, Duane. Apparently him and Kyle planned this before Kyle left. Well, little do they know, I have a whole arsenal of vinyl lettering and Duane's car is about to say something along the lines of "Honk If You Like Dongs" across the front bumper here soon. At least I was courteous and bought one solid magnet. This shit is 23 individual letters that I WILL HAVE to remove before I take my kid to practice tonight. Somebody's definitely gettin it!

That's it for now, I will update with more pics as I continue to torment the hood.

Ouch

I just want to say, it is not ok to drink and decide since you don't have the money to order the UFC fights, that you should do it in your back yard. If you do decide you want to do this, DO NOT, decide you want to fight someone who easily doubles your weight and is a boy. It WILL NOT end well....... When I say it won't end well, I mean cracked ribs..... LOL, shit happens. Thank God for Vicodin....

That is all for now...........

So Many Distractions......

So, I feel much better than I did on Tuesday. I guess I just needed to clear my head and have a couple of Bacardi Limon and Sugar Free Red Bulls, aka Bullshits. They make things a little clearer. Well, not necessarily clearer, i guess, but they were what I needed. I still feel like I have a million things swimming around in my head though. I'm gonna lay them all out here, then maybe they'll go away. Feel free to comment on any of it, as I may need some input on all this shit....

1. Damn, I'm a pig. I've been eating like it's my job for the last week. I'm sure the vending machine guy is loving that spaces are empty when he comes in to fill it twice a week. Today for example, it's 1:22pm and I've eaten a 6 pack of mini choco donuts, a pack of cheez-its, a twix, a footlong turkey sub and a big bag of salt and vingear chips.......Yes, it's that bad. I munch all day long while I'm at work. Last night after I left the gym I had to stop at the store for some drain cleaner. Didn't I happen to pass fresh baked italian bread loaves and have to buy one. Yeah, I did, then I ate half of it on the way home. My body said, girl, you just sweated for an hour, you need some carbs bitch! That always happens to me.

2. I feel really old lately... I used to think 40 was old. It's not. Now I think 60 is old. And 60 is about how I'm feelin this week. Everything aches like I've got old bones. It could be that I'm only getting about 5 hours of sleep a night and they're not uninterrupted hours. Or it could be that the hood has been in a constant state of partying since 4th of July weekend.... You are seriously chastised if you don't participate. I'm hoping to catch up on some much needed sleep tomorrow while the baby is at daycare since I have the day off.

3. Speaking of days off. I'm totally digging this 3 or 4 day work week that I've got going on. My bank account is not. When I came back to work at the beginning of June, I was told that I had to take off 5 unpaid days before Labor Day weekend. Mmmmkaaayyyy. I just gave you people 5 weeks of unpaid time, but whatever. Couple that with the fact I had 7 1/2 days of vacation that I'm now not going to get paid for if I don't use by my anniversary at the end of August and you've created one lazy bitch. Seriously, I can't imagine working 5 days right now. It's gonna totally suck when we get busy again and I actually have to be here all the time.

4. Speaking of the drain cleaner that led to my bread gluttony last night. I've got the craziest fucking clog at my house right now. It started out last week when I think I posted about Gavin telling me he puked in the bathtub and me going home to find out he cleaned it up. Well a couple of days later Brandon said I can't believe you'd leave puke in the bathtub for this long mom! I was like I didn't, Gavin cleaned it up and I made sure there was nothing left. Well, I go in the bathroom and the tub is FOUL!! I fuck with it for awhile and nothing's working. Someone turns on the water in the kitchen sink...The bathtub begins to fill with more water and crap. WTF?? Apparently I have a nice clog just past the kitchen sink and bathtub and it's making the sink go into the tub. I bail it out and dump an entire econo sized bottle of drain-o in. nothing...... In the last three days I've managed to use 2 econo sized bottles of drain-o, half a bottle of shit that my neighbor told me would eat the chrome off of the drain and broken a plunger trying to get that sucker unclogged. Again I say, WTF? It may be time to admit defeat and call a plumber.... Well, it'll have to wait till I get paid. Luckily we have another bathroom and the kids can shower in there. I totally hate them invading the one place in the house that I don't have to share with anyone, but stinky teenage boys is gross.

5. I DO NOT ADMIT DEFEAT. I'll get this fucking clog out if it kills me. Who am I kidding, I don't have enough money for a plumber!

6. I need a vacation. I didn't get to Vegas in May like I used to due to the fact I got divorced in December and had a baby in mid-April. I soooooo want to get out before the end of the year. I have free hotel nights and a free plane ticket, I just need the spending money. I should have it by November. The kids will be on sports break and if I'm real lucky, the baby will be sleeping through the night and my mom will take him. We'll see, but I really just need to get away from it all. Plus, my bff Tara needs to get away too and has never been to Vegas.

Ok, well I guess that's it for now..... My mind is a little clearer but being as I ate so much crap today, my stomach is killin me. Happy Thursday! I promise my sanity will return soon and I'll be able to give you a nice, focused post, lmao, yeah right.....

Edited to add:
I totally forgot to tell you that the boy did indeed drive all the way to KY with the I heart Soccer Moms bumper sticker on the truck. It seems he didn't realize it was just a magnet and would come off, lol. That's not even the funniest part. He called me at about 7 Tueday night to tell me that an "old" chick saw his bumper sticker and gave him her number when he was at a gas station. I about died. Then he asked me where I was.... Coincidentally enough, I was at soccer practice :)

Melancholy and The Finite Sadness....

No, not the Smashing Pumpkins album Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness.... Though that album does happen to contain some of their best work in my opinion.

I just wrote a post and deleted it. It wasn't what I wanted to say I guess. I don't know, I'm all over the map today. Being pregnant seriously fucked up my emotions. See how kids wreck our bodies? When I was pregnant with Gavin, I got and still have chronic heartburn, pregnancy with Little E seriously fucked with my emotions. It could be that it was a traumatic time for me in the first place or it could be that Bipolar Disorder often rears it's ugly head in late 20's and early 30's. Thanks for that part of your gene pool Dad......

My mind is just all over today. I'm sad because the boy left this morning and won't be back for 28 days. Normal me wouldn't be affected by this. Normal me would call in a backup for the 28 days. Mental me won't consider this. I guess maybe it's different this time around. Last time, I had just met him before he had to leave. We texted off and on while he was gone and when he came home, the next day he was at my house and pretty much didn't leave for the rest of his time home. Well, you know what I mean, while I'm at work during the day, he's off doing whatever it is that he does, but at night, right back at my house, hanging out, watching movies and chillin. It was nice. I haven't had someone to hang out with like that in a long time.

There I go deleting entire paragraphs again... My brain isn't functioning....Maybe it's the ADHD... I should go and borrow some of my kids leftover Adderall perhaps......

Anyways, as a parting gift, I left this on the boy's truck last night....



Funny thing is, I put it on there at like 9 last night, as soon as it got dark and he wouldn't be able to see it. He didn't text me until like 9 this morning telling me he found it. Even funnier would have been if he would have driven all the way to Kentucky with it on! Unfortunately, it's just a magnet. Do you know how hard it is to find actual bumper stickers these days??? Damn near impossible. It makes me smile knowing I got one over on him :)

I guess I should probably end all this before I spiral out of control again. The melancholy and sadness are finite, I just need to get out of this funk I'm in right now. Happy Tuesday everyone! Hope you have a good one!!

Lazy Sunday

So, it's Sunday and I've had almost four hours now without kids..... I was hoping the boy would be back over after he did all the things he needs to do before he gets back on the boat in a couple of days. This was not to be I guess. Oh well, he'll be over later and we'll watch a movie or something.





So what am I doing with my four hours of freedom? I'm a loser, I'm catching up on my favorite blogs that I didn't get to read on Friday because I didn't go to work and reading the personal ads on Craigslist. Why am I reading personal ads? Quite simply, they're really entertaining. I'm not interested in meeting anyone or anything like that, hell I wouldn't even consider online dating (well, maybe if this guy showed his face I'd consider it)

It's just not me, that's all. I know plenty of single guys that I could date given the right circumstances. I'm just not in a place right now where I can deal with commitment. That's why the thing with the boy works out so well. 28 days here, 28 gone. It's great.

Anywho.... all the shit that I wrote the other day hasn't gotten any better. I'm over it. Livin life for ME and nobody else. Well the kids, but that's all relative I suppose. Thanks for your kind words about the situation. Normally I would turn to my friends for something like this, but some of them were part of this witch hunt and my bff has some issues seriously affecting her family life right now, so it's not all that appropriate to talk to her about my dumb issues when she's got so much else going on. It'll all go away eventually.

Well, the kids will be home here in a few, so I should probably make it look like I did something while they were gone so my mother doesn't blast me for something stupid when she drops them off :)

Have a good rest of your Sunday :)