why, Why, WHy, Fucking WHY?

I'm a Debbie Downer today.  Do you remember when I wrote about Nick here?  Go ahead and take a look, because otherwise you're not going to understand anything I'm about to say.

Are we all caught up?  Ok then.  Guess who called me out of the blue Monday night?  Yeah, you guessed it, Nick.  Shocking since it's been what, 3 years since I last saw him?  And at that time it was him screaming at me from across the courtroom telling me how much of a whore I was and that he wanted to kill me.  Over 7 years since we were last together and he saw his kid.  Well maybe I don't know that it was the last time he saw his kid.  He's been known to be a creeper and sit places and quietly watch the chaos that is known as my life.

The call was strange to say the least.  He really didn't have anything to say except for that a couple of people said that they thought he should call me.  Immediately my Nick wall went up and I was nasty mean.  I let it go on for a few minutes hoping he would just tell me why he was calling and be done with it.  He wasn't going anywhere with the conversation, asking me about little E and not about his own child.  When I asked if he wanted to know what was going on with Brandon, he said no, he already knew.  Great, creeper.....  Finally I told him I hoped his life was good in the trailer park and hung up the phone.  I was totally baffled over the phone call and thought about it all night.  It was so unlike him to interrupt my life.  He has stayed away and respected my wishes to have nothing to do with him.

Yesterday morning curiosity got the best of me and I texted him.  The following is a transcript from our conversation:

Me: I'm still totally puzzled as to why after this many years u called me yesterday.....
Him: Why puzzled?
Me: Becuz that's not like u
Him: Yea u know me so well
Me: I kno well enuf u've stayed out of the way this long
Him: What u don't remember tell'n me 2 leave becuz ur mom offered u money? What was it 3 or 4 g's?
Me: Doesn't matter now that I'm about to lose my house, now does it? It wasn't about the money, it was about how fucked up you were
Him: Sorry my learn'n to walk again was such a burden.  last thing I wanted to do was hurt u guys in any way.  i love and miss ALL of u every day of my life.  I kno u don't care but truth is truth & U hurt me more than that car ever could. i would ask if u wanted anything but ur going to tell me to fuck off at the end anyway. my phone is dying
Him: I kno u hate me, u told me countless times.  U told me once that u would have got 50 g's if I would have just fuck'n died.  Sorry to disappoint u.
Him: Please don't b a bitch n tell me ho much u need so I can put as much as I can together.  At the end of the day, it's about the boyz, not us.
Him: I'll call u when i charge my phone.  Asshole out.
Him: I do love u guys no matter what u think u kno.  Always have, always will
Me: (Finally getting a text in) I hate u becuz u made me the way I am now.  All I ever wanted from u was 4 u 2 frow up & b w/me.  U were the one person that loved me unconditionally.  Did I fuck it up by walking away?  Yeah, I probably did but there's only so much a person can deal w/ & that was my breaking point.
Him: Me leave'n is what u wanted and I respected ur decision & I always will
Me: Things are never going to change between me & u
Him: Maybe, but maybe not. I guess we'll never know.
Him: At any rate, I'm sorry
Me:  WOW, two words I don't think I've ever heard out of ur mouth.  The problem here is u're the only person who knows just how 2 play w/my emotions & I'm too fucked up right now to deal w/this whole situation.
Him: I'm not play'n w/u.  if anyone knows that it's u.  I'm dead serious.  My phone is really die'n.  Fish lips to ya.
Him: Take ur time, I ain't worth get'n bent out of shape over.  C no matter what i want i seem 2 hurt u & i'm sorry, just relax & calm down please

Him: I'm sick of cry'n over u guys, sick 2 my stomach with love for all of u
Him: Please just give me a # so I can see what I can do and how much time I got, please
Me: It's too bad u didn't care when it mattered.  It would take alot for me to ever trust u again.  I don't want ur money, I've done ok without it this long.
Him: I'm sorry u feel that way, but it goes both ways.  Just look at it as ur money, not mine & don't let ur pride get in the way, i kno u need the money and i'll try 2 do anything u ask short of jumping off a bridge
Him: U kno, it hurts deep when ur soulmate hates u n wishes u would have just died
Me: I'm sure it does
Him: U broke my heart in 5 pieces and i guess i still trust u
Him: U never kno, ur wish could be closer than u imaging
Him: (Sends me pic mail of himself) Look in my eyes and tell me i'm lie'n
Me: You look sick
Him: More than u kno
Him: What makes u think I want anything from u?  I'm not ask'n for anything.  I just wanted 2 say sorry b4 it's 2 late & I can't
Me: What's wrong with u?

After that, nothing.  I sent one more text later in the evening and got no response.  What the hell is going on?  I'm so fucking confused right now.  This boy absolutely knows how to play all of my emotions just right.  The fact that he even said "fish lips" in there, which was one of our little things, just makes my heart hurt.  What am I supposed to do?  I can't get in touch with him and fear that something is really wrong.  Why the hell would he tell me everything he did in that conversation, then end it that way if there wasn't something wrong, right?

Part of me wants to drive down to that trailer park and beat on the door and see what the hell is going on.  Part of me wants to stay as far away as humanly possible.  I have no idea what I should do, but it's eating away at me right now......

Drunks In Wheelchairs and Blurry Boobs Part 2

The point of going clear up to my sister's bar on Friday night was that they were giving away Rock on The Range tickets.  ROTR is a HUGE deal around here.  I needed free tickets and it just so happened a guy in our group won tickets for both days and gave me his Sunday tickets.  If you've followed me long, you know I'm a concert junkie.  My list that I want to go to this year is already long.

Bret Michaels - which I'm sure is going to be canceled due to his health problems, but is mine & Nicole's FAVORITE summer concert.  He puts on a high energy show and the people watching is second to none...

Scorpions & Cinderella - with my mom because I bought her tickets for Mother's Day and she wants me to go with her

Weezer - Because they're one of my ALL TIME favorites and they're actually coming to Columbus.  Even better?  They're coming to the Ohio State fair.  OH.HELL.YEAH.  Fair food and Weezer in the same night?  Rock the fuck on!

Cypress Hill - Because who can resist sitting in a giant cloud of pot smoke all night?

Foreigner - Because if you can't tell, I love the 80's

Black Crowes - Still on the fence about this one.  I saw them in concert last summer and they didn't play ANYTHING that was ever popular.  When I go to a concert I wanna hear songs I know and can sing along to.  Not so much with these guys, but if I can score free or cheap tickets, I'll probably go.

These are just the shows in town that I'm planning on going to.  We'll see what else pops up, because I'm sure it's gonna be a killer summer for shows.  Anyway, back to Rock on the Range....

Walking in one thing was pretty evident.  People were worn the fuck out.  Here it was 6pm on Sunday night of an event that started at noon on Saturday.  Everyone was purple they were so sunburned.  It looked like a massive homeless camp in the Columbus Crew soccer stadium.  People were laying all over the place trying to be in the shade because of the 80+ temps. 

We quickly found drinks and a seat and were enjoying the end of Slash's set.  Damn, he's awesome. Before the end of the night we got to hear Seether, Rob Zombie and Limp Bizkit.  I'll be real honest, all I wanted to hear was Rob Zombie and see if Limp could make the comeback.  Rob didn't disappoint, Limp did.  Well, I don't wanna say they disappointed necessarily, I just would have thought being the act to close out the whole weekend, Limp would have had a better stage show.  They brought it musically, playing all their popular songs, it was just really lacking something that the Rob Zombie performance had.  Oh well, no matter, it wasn't like we paid for the tickets, ya know? 

And the people watching.... My God.... Fucking priceless..... Check it out.  YES, I KNOW, some of them are super blurry, what can I say, I need a new camera and these chicks with their boobs out were a good 50 yards from us....  I'm going to have to start a new camera fund for as many pictures as I'm taking these days....  Enjoy.....

Click to enlarge.  That chick has HUUUUUUGE boobies

Between sets. Check out the metal they use to cover the field.  It was presenting problems for the hookers and their stilettos....

Another view toward the stage

The largest real boobs I've ever seen....

WTF hair....

1980 called, they want their shirt back.....

I would have not wanted to be security for this concert.  All they did all night was help people down once they got to the front of the crowd.  There were at least 10 "surfers" at a time going through the crowd

Probably the smallest real boobies I've ever seen.....

Another WTF moment.  Put on a freaking shirt dude....

Sunset at Crew Stadium

Did I have a good time?  Hell yeah I did.  And Josh got to experience something he's never done before..... A rock concert.  I asked him why he agreed to come with me, because he did it without any hesitation even though I thought he'd say no.  He said that sometimes we have to do things we really don't want to do in order to be around the people we want to spend time with.... Aww....  

While we were sitting there between sets he got the brilliant idea that he needed to tell someone that he wanted to be with me forever.  Who was it that he told?  Jordan.  The plan had been that he was going to wait until after their big wiffle ball tournament next weekend to say anything to him, but I guess he couldn't help himself.  Jordan's response? "Ok."  Alrighty then..... We'll see what happens with all that real soon being as I have to pick Ev up at Jordan's house on Wednesday evening.....

Drunks In Wheelchairs and Blurry Boobs Part 1

If every weekend was like the one I just had, life would be awesome!  Friday night we celebrated the other Tara's birthday up at my sister's bar.  I was trying to be a little less of a drunk than last weekend.  I think we'll just say it was a BIG FAIL.  I mean my Friday night ended on Saturday morning around 3am drunk at the Waffle House yelling at the waitress because it took an hour to get some eggs and bacon....  Yeah, FAIL...

But there was some fun at the bar.  I give you example #1

Drunk guy getting a lap dance in his wheelchair.  Boy was he living it up!  At one point he had the thing raised up and tilted back with this chick like laying on top of him.  HILARIOUS.....

Example #2 - This guy

He was tearing up the dance floor with his "moves"  I have some video of it, but I don't know how to post crap like that.  All night long, he was the life of the dance floor dancing with every chick that would come within 10 feet of him.  Endless entertainment right there people.....

Onto better things.  Here are cute pictures before the night got out of hand.....

Me & Josh looking all cute :)  Because we're a thing now and all....

Ok, well maybe Tara was starting to derail right here.  Shots will do that to a girl.....

Oh wait, that's better.  Us w/our friend Sandi.  She's a hoot!

At some point Nicole got off work and showed up with my car to drive us home.  Josh decided he wanted Waffle House, so that's where we ended up.  It was retarded full of drunk people and Nicole was angry her waffle came out cold after an hour and I seriously thought she was going to Frisbee the thing across the restaurant.  Luckily I got her calmed down and an incident didn't occur, though last night when Josh & I walked in, that same waitress was working and a look of pure terror washed across her face.....  Luckily we didn't have her as a server again....

On to Saturday, aka Boobie Fest....

What A Difference.....

A couple of days makes.....  Josh took his head out of his ass and apologized to me on Tuesday morning for being such a dickface Monday.  WOW, didn't see that coming.  Now he's 10 feet up my butt texting me all day long and even calling for a brief second to see how my day was going today.  How cute....

It's actually kind of weirding me out....  Tuesday night we made plans for him to come over and hang out since I had Ev back.  We had a nice dinner of burgers on the grill and french fries (lol) then played around with the baby for a little bit.  Later, we were watching tv and both fell asleep.  When he jerked awake at 12:30 he was pissed we had fallen asleep.  It's not in the plan that he stays at the house during the week because he has retarded long work hours right now which mean he has to get up at 4:30am and doesn't get home till almost 7:00pm.  His place is probably 15 minutes closer to work.  Whatever.

Last night Nicole and I were supposed to go watch him play softball, but the weather hasn't really been cooperating with all that.  When he told me that it was canceled, I asked him if he just wanted to hang out with me & Nicole for 1/2 price appetizers and drinking, knowing he'd say no.  He said yes and asked what time we were leaving.  Damn, ok.....  He got to the house around 7 and we hung out for a bit, him playing with Ev while I got ready.  I put Ev to bed, came back out and Josh was nowhere to be found.  After wandering around the house for a minute, I heard him and Gavin laughing.  They were out back playing basketball.  Nice.

Gavin hates everyone that I date, but he loves Josh.  They're ridiculous when they're together.  It makes me laugh.

We headed out around 8, swinging by Nicole's house to pick up her non-driving ass.  All evening we hung out on the patio at one of the local joints eating ridiculously cheap fried foods, them enjoying their pitchers of beer and me with me 3 Olives Vanilla and Coke (no Bacardi Limon at this bar) watching baseball.  Which by the way I find incredibly boring on tv, but we were having a good time, so whatever, ya know?  Later we headed a little closer to home to a place where drinks are WAAAAAY cheaper and had more shots than I can even explain to my liver.  He tells me all the things I want to hear out of a boy right now, including the ever present with boys I meet, "There's just something about you".  Ugh.... We need to go.

We dropped Nicole off at her house around 12:30 and headed back to my place.  I'm pleasantly surprised.   He goes to his car and gets his work clothes and lunch.  I guess that means he CAN stay during the week.

He was late for work this morning.  Not so great on this first week of his new job.  They didn't mind apparently.  He's texted me all day saying how he's thinking about me and when can he see me again.  How cute.  I'd like him to be around all the time. 

The question is......... How long will this last?  We'll just have to wait it out and see I guess.....

Why Do I Keep Doing This To Myself?

I wrote here about the weekend that I spent with Josh and how I was really having a good time hanging out with him.  Truth is, I like him alot, but I just don't know if I see it working out in the long run.  We're too much the same person.  Last weekend was great, but I think after Monday I didn't see him again the entire week.

On Thursday he texted me asking if I still wanted him to go to the birthday party with me on Saturday.  Well, of course I did, I like to hang out with him.  He talked some shit about me getting drunk and being stupid.  I responded with a "If you don't like it, don't come".  Apparently that pissed him off.  Oh well, boys are a dime a dozen. I try and make nice conversation with him throughout the weekend and he either ignores me or gives me one word answers. Ugh, whatever, I guess we're done.

Friday night Nicole and I went out, hitting several of the local watering hole and ending up at our regular spot, Otie's.  Josh was supposed to be there, but he wasn't.  Oh well.  His ex, Sam was there and I really like her, so we hung out and met up with some other people that she knew.  About 10 of us went back to my house after the bar closed and partied like we were rock stars till like 5am.  I met a guy named Matt, who, despite totally not being my type, was cool and down to party.  Not gonna lie, I made out with him like I was a high school kid.  It was totally hot. 

Dave succeeded in cock-blocking me though by passing out in my bed, which in hindsight was a good thing.  I slept on the couch.  No sex happened, nothing like that. Everyone left Saturday morning and I headed off to soccer.

Fast forward to Sunday night, because you already read about Saturday night.  Josh breaks the ice and texts me with his no facial hair picture (because he has to shave it off for his new job).  I laugh & we end up texting till like 2am because neither of us could sleep.  He tells me how bad he feels about being mean to me and that he spent all weekend wishing he was with me.  Aww, how cute.  I told him that all he needed to do was text me and tell me that he wanted to be with me and could have been.  We text for a little while longer and then call it a night.

Monday about halfway through the afternoon I start getting texts from him again asking me how my day is going and showing me how dirty he's getting his first day on the job.  Let me just say this, I'm a sucker for a guy who gets dirty at work.  I tell him that.  He doesn't text me back until I'm home from work and taking a nap.  I have my phone set on silent so I can sleep for a little bit because my allergies have me all torn up yet again.  He actually calls me during this time to check on me and of course the call goes to voicemail.  When I wake up I text him and we get into a conversation about how I was all he thought about at work all day and how if we really want to make a go of things, we shouldn't be doing it half-assed like we have been.   Ok then.  He asks me to come over for a little bit since I haven't seen him in like a week and I do.

We lay around watching baseball just enjoying each others company.  He talks to me about not doing stupid things and acting like a whore.  I acknowledge what he's saying and tell him that if I was his girlfriend, all the dumb shit I do would stop, because I'm really wanting to leave the stupid shit that I've been doing behind me.  I want to settle down and have a little bit of "normal" for awhile.  I'm tired of being drunk all the time.  I'm tired of being alone.  Yeah, you as the reader may see it as me and my entourage of boys, but it's just not the same as having some consistency in my life.  That's what I need right now.

He comments he's surprised I didn't find a new boyfriend over the weekend.  I tell him, no, nothing like that happened over the weekend, because in reality, both of the boys I was with over the weekend I have little to no interest in.

Before I know it, it's time to go.  I have to be back home before the big kids go to bed tonight.  On my way home, he texted me and asked me what really happened on Friday night.  The long and the short of all this conversation was that he told me he wanted me to be honest with him about all of it, because he already knew what went down (apparently his friends were at the bar).  I told him, now he's not speaking to me.

The whole making out with the boy on Friday night was no big deal to me.  Josh hadn't been speaking to me and I thought we were pretty much done.  No reason for me not to have a little fun on a Friday night, right?  Apparently not so much.  Oh well.  I guess I'll give him a few days to decide if he's really done with me, but bottom line is, I fucked up something that potentially could have been good...... again........  All over the fact that the two of us are unable to communicate with each other.......

If I wasn't so sick right now, I'd be sad......

I Wouldn't Want Fake Boobs....

If mine looked like this ALL the time....

Yes, those are dollars down my shirt.  I wish I could remember how they got there and why I'm sitting on one of my coworker's lap...... Rumor has it I gave him a lap dance... Great....

Saturday night was JoJo's 35 birthday party up at my sister's bar.  Things ALWAYS get retarded at her parties.  Almost as much so as at MY birthday parties.  We're juvenile that way I guess.

The night started off well, Tara and I didn't have guys going with us (we'll talk about that in another post), so we loaded up our road pops and headed up to the bar.  It was already 9:30, so by the time we got there, everyone was well on their way to lit.  We got drinks and took our place at the top of the skate ramp waiting for our favorite local band to start performing.

I think where it all started to go wrong was the ice shot luge....  Bacardi had given my sister several bottles of their new flavor, Torched Cherry to sample to everyone over the weekend on the luge.  I'm not a big fan of plain liquor shots, but this one was really good and even better in a drink with some Coke.  YUMMY!  Our party got an ENTIRE bottle just for us... Ugh, that spells trouble....  Anyways, look how inappropriate these pictures look.....

Insert penis joke here.........

After that, we sang and danced the night away, me getting more and more buzzed.  At one point the cute boy, we'll call him Mike#2 (not the serial killer, but the other one from that post) from a couple of weeks ago shows up and hangs out with us.  I'm not gonna lie, I have a crush on this one, but he's only 24, so off limits.....  Somehow, out of the hundred pictures on my camera, there were none of him, instead, I have shit like this.....

Ok, well we look cute in this one, but we're still retarded....

Apparently the night ended with girls who like girls getting little too frisky on the patio....  Oops, don't remember that happening....  My coworker and Mike#2 sure did though.....  Actually, I don't even remember how we got back out to the patio......  I derailed at some point shortly after that, was escorted to the car and driven home.  I woke up Sunday morning still fully clothed, minus my shoes, which were nowhere to be found (because I had been running around barefoot apparently... EWWWW) and my camera.  Luckily, Tara had my shoes and Chad, the bartender had my camera.

Sunday I laid in bed all day catching up on dvr stuff.  It wasn't so much that I was hungover, but still drunk.  Around 7 I motivated and finally got the house cleaned up.  God I hate being that unproductive on a weekend I don't have Ev, but it happens I guess......

For Martie....

So Martie was wondering about Josh.  He's in the post here in the middle picture and here are a couple from the past couple of weeks.  I'm sure I'll get lots more on Saturday night when we're all out......

Self portraits suck and Nicole's boobs look HUGE!!

Aww, how cute, right?

This one is just funny

Anyways, I'm for sure enjoying spending my time with him right now.  We'll see how everything works out....