Why Do I Keep Doing This To Myself?

I wrote here about the weekend that I spent with Josh and how I was really having a good time hanging out with him.  Truth is, I like him alot, but I just don't know if I see it working out in the long run.  We're too much the same person.  Last weekend was great, but I think after Monday I didn't see him again the entire week.

On Thursday he texted me asking if I still wanted him to go to the birthday party with me on Saturday.  Well, of course I did, I like to hang out with him.  He talked some shit about me getting drunk and being stupid.  I responded with a "If you don't like it, don't come".  Apparently that pissed him off.  Oh well, boys are a dime a dozen. I try and make nice conversation with him throughout the weekend and he either ignores me or gives me one word answers. Ugh, whatever, I guess we're done.

Friday night Nicole and I went out, hitting several of the local watering hole and ending up at our regular spot, Otie's.  Josh was supposed to be there, but he wasn't.  Oh well.  His ex, Sam was there and I really like her, so we hung out and met up with some other people that she knew.  About 10 of us went back to my house after the bar closed and partied like we were rock stars till like 5am.  I met a guy named Matt, who, despite totally not being my type, was cool and down to party.  Not gonna lie, I made out with him like I was a high school kid.  It was totally hot. 

Dave succeeded in cock-blocking me though by passing out in my bed, which in hindsight was a good thing.  I slept on the couch.  No sex happened, nothing like that. Everyone left Saturday morning and I headed off to soccer.

Fast forward to Sunday night, because you already read about Saturday night.  Josh breaks the ice and texts me with his no facial hair picture (because he has to shave it off for his new job).  I laugh & we end up texting till like 2am because neither of us could sleep.  He tells me how bad he feels about being mean to me and that he spent all weekend wishing he was with me.  Aww, how cute.  I told him that all he needed to do was text me and tell me that he wanted to be with me and could have been.  We text for a little while longer and then call it a night.

Monday about halfway through the afternoon I start getting texts from him again asking me how my day is going and showing me how dirty he's getting his first day on the job.  Let me just say this, I'm a sucker for a guy who gets dirty at work.  I tell him that.  He doesn't text me back until I'm home from work and taking a nap.  I have my phone set on silent so I can sleep for a little bit because my allergies have me all torn up yet again.  He actually calls me during this time to check on me and of course the call goes to voicemail.  When I wake up I text him and we get into a conversation about how I was all he thought about at work all day and how if we really want to make a go of things, we shouldn't be doing it half-assed like we have been.   Ok then.  He asks me to come over for a little bit since I haven't seen him in like a week and I do.

We lay around watching baseball just enjoying each others company.  He talks to me about not doing stupid things and acting like a whore.  I acknowledge what he's saying and tell him that if I was his girlfriend, all the dumb shit I do would stop, because I'm really wanting to leave the stupid shit that I've been doing behind me.  I want to settle down and have a little bit of "normal" for awhile.  I'm tired of being drunk all the time.  I'm tired of being alone.  Yeah, you as the reader may see it as me and my entourage of boys, but it's just not the same as having some consistency in my life.  That's what I need right now.

He comments he's surprised I didn't find a new boyfriend over the weekend.  I tell him, no, nothing like that happened over the weekend, because in reality, both of the boys I was with over the weekend I have little to no interest in.

Before I know it, it's time to go.  I have to be back home before the big kids go to bed tonight.  On my way home, he texted me and asked me what really happened on Friday night.  The long and the short of all this conversation was that he told me he wanted me to be honest with him about all of it, because he already knew what went down (apparently his friends were at the bar).  I told him, now he's not speaking to me.

The whole making out with the boy on Friday night was no big deal to me.  Josh hadn't been speaking to me and I thought we were pretty much done.  No reason for me not to have a little fun on a Friday night, right?  Apparently not so much.  Oh well.  I guess I'll give him a few days to decide if he's really done with me, but bottom line is, I fucked up something that potentially could have been good...... again........  All over the fact that the two of us are unable to communicate with each other.......

If I wasn't so sick right now, I'd be sad......