I'm a Debbie Downer today. Do you remember when I wrote about Nick here? Go ahead and take a look, because otherwise you're not going to understand anything I'm about to say.
Are we all caught up? Ok then. Guess who called me out of the blue Monday night? Yeah, you guessed it, Nick. Shocking since it's been what, 3 years since I last saw him? And at that time it was him screaming at me from across the courtroom telling me how much of a whore I was and that he wanted to kill me. Over 7 years since we were last together and he saw his kid. Well maybe I don't know that it was the last time he saw his kid. He's been known to be a creeper and sit places and quietly watch the chaos that is known as my life.
The call was strange to say the least. He really didn't have anything to say except for that a couple of people said that they thought he should call me. Immediately my Nick wall went up and I was nasty mean. I let it go on for a few minutes hoping he would just tell me why he was calling and be done with it. He wasn't going anywhere with the conversation, asking me about little E and not about his own child. When I asked if he wanted to know what was going on with Brandon, he said no, he already knew. Great, creeper..... Finally I told him I hoped his life was good in the trailer park and hung up the phone. I was totally baffled over the phone call and thought about it all night. It was so unlike him to interrupt my life. He has stayed away and respected my wishes to have nothing to do with him.
Yesterday morning curiosity got the best of me and I texted him. The following is a transcript from our conversation:
Me: I'm still totally puzzled as to why after this many years u called me yesterday.....
Him: Why puzzled?
Me: Becuz that's not like u
Him: Yea u know me so well
Me: I kno well enuf u've stayed out of the way this long
Him: What u don't remember tell'n me 2 leave becuz ur mom offered u money? What was it 3 or 4 g's?
Me: Doesn't matter now that I'm about to lose my house, now does it? It wasn't about the money, it was about how fucked up you were
Him: Sorry my learn'n to walk again was such a burden. last thing I wanted to do was hurt u guys in any way. i love and miss ALL of u every day of my life. I kno u don't care but truth is truth & U hurt me more than that car ever could. i would ask if u wanted anything but ur going to tell me to fuck off at the end anyway. my phone is dying
Him: I kno u hate me, u told me countless times. U told me once that u would have got 50 g's if I would have just fuck'n died. Sorry to disappoint u.
Him: Please don't b a bitch n tell me ho much u need so I can put as much as I can together. At the end of the day, it's about the boyz, not us.
Him: I'll call u when i charge my phone. Asshole out.
Him: I do love u guys no matter what u think u kno. Always have, always will
Me: (Finally getting a text in) I hate u becuz u made me the way I am now. All I ever wanted from u was 4 u 2 frow up & b w/me. U were the one person that loved me unconditionally. Did I fuck it up by walking away? Yeah, I probably did but there's only so much a person can deal w/ & that was my breaking point.
Him: Me leave'n is what u wanted and I respected ur decision & I always will
Me: Things are never going to change between me & u
Him: Maybe, but maybe not. I guess we'll never know.
Him: At any rate, I'm sorry
Me: WOW, two words I don't think I've ever heard out of ur mouth. The problem here is u're the only person who knows just how 2 play w/my emotions & I'm too fucked up right now to deal w/this whole situation.
Him: I'm not play'n w/u. if anyone knows that it's u. I'm dead serious. My phone is really die'n. Fish lips to ya.
Him: Take ur time, I ain't worth get'n bent out of shape over. C no matter what i want i seem 2 hurt u & i'm sorry, just relax & calm down please
Him: I'm sick of cry'n over u guys, sick 2 my stomach with love for all of u
Him: Please just give me a # so I can see what I can do and how much time I got, please
Me: It's too bad u didn't care when it mattered. It would take alot for me to ever trust u again. I don't want ur money, I've done ok without it this long.
Him: I'm sorry u feel that way, but it goes both ways. Just look at it as ur money, not mine & don't let ur pride get in the way, i kno u need the money and i'll try 2 do anything u ask short of jumping off a bridge
Him: U kno, it hurts deep when ur soulmate hates u n wishes u would have just died
Me: I'm sure it does
Him: U broke my heart in 5 pieces and i guess i still trust u
Him: U never kno, ur wish could be closer than u imaging
Him: (Sends me pic mail of himself) Look in my eyes and tell me i'm lie'n
Me: You look sick
Him: More than u kno
Him: What makes u think I want anything from u? I'm not ask'n for anything. I just wanted 2 say sorry b4 it's 2 late & I can't
Me: What's wrong with u?
After that, nothing. I sent one more text later in the evening and got no response. What the hell is going on? I'm so fucking confused right now. This boy absolutely knows how to play all of my emotions just right. The fact that he even said "fish lips" in there, which was one of our little things, just makes my heart hurt. What am I supposed to do? I can't get in touch with him and fear that something is really wrong. Why the hell would he tell me everything he did in that conversation, then end it that way if there wasn't something wrong, right?
Part of me wants to drive down to that trailer park and beat on the door and see what the hell is going on. Part of me wants to stay as far away as humanly possible. I have no idea what I should do, but it's eating away at me right now......
Hey, It's Okay
1 day ago
10 comments:
Well, I don't know him or anything but hypothetically - if someone did this to me - this encrypted conversation basically telling you something is wrong with him without tell you really what it is and then not responding to your texts? And now its all you can think about? And I'm assuming he know you very well - to me it sounds like your doing exactly what he wanted you to do. For him to get you thinking on this and not responding and your thinking of coming to his house - well, it sounds to me a bit orchestrated in to getting you to come to him. Don't fall for it.
I hear ya Em. I know I shouldn't go out there, but it's eating away at me. What if I get a call that he killed himself? He knows me better than any person in this entire world, and after him not interfering in my life for the last 7 years for him to call like this just feels wrong to me. Like he wouldn't have called unless there was really a problem. Eventually Josh is going to notice that I'm disturbed and I'm going to have to tell him what's going on, which will put a severe cramp in our relationship.....
I hate to say it, but he sounds suicidal. :(((((((( In a tying up loose ends sort of way. :((((
Lol I feel like I just read one of my old text msgs with a ex from years back.
Don't go over, you know hes toying with you, and he is.
Your gut is right, and the reason your worried, youre a good person. It's natural to be worried about someone who did mean something to you at one time. I totally know how that feels.
Easier said then done though(about not going over), at the end of the day do what makes you feel better, but if your gut says hes messing with you, then youre prolly right.
If you really feel he may be suicidal - is there anyone you can call? A family member of his or close friend? Hell, maybe even a suicidal hotline will help or tell you who else can help. If you worried and want to make sure he's okay - it doesn't mean you have to check on him personally. You are doing good now - don't get sucked back in. Another though I had was that you said he looked sick in the picture he sent? If he did - he had to know that and he chose to send you that pic anyway. IMO - he wanted you to see he was sick. Combine that with him calling you out of the blue, after 7 years; maybe he is really sick and wants to make peace before its too late? This is just some opinions, guesses advise from someone who's been through it too. Only you can decide what is best for you. Em.
Part of me thinks he is toying with you but then part of me thinks he might really be trying to make peace with you and his life because he just might really be sick. Maybe you can ask a family member of his instead of going directly to him.
I don't think there's really anything you can do. Plus I have to wonder if he's being manipulative, and actually enjoying it. He's dangling stuff in front of you without revealing the essence--that to me is a sign of manipulation. I'd just do nothing for a while. I bet the next step will unfold on its own.
there are two types of people in the world. there are takers and there are givers. you, my dear, are a giver.
the takers, if you let them, will ultimately "use you up" until either a, you become a taker in order to survive or b, you wind up a shell of your former self, living in a nightmare that you don't have the strength to leave.
you did the right thing however many years ago that was, regardless of how badly it still hurts.
*HUGS*
and yeah, i'm late to the party, as usual.. fuck it
You're right Curious, i'm a mother Fu**in giver & it gets me nowhere.... So tonight I'm hanging w/ the ex-husband while Josh is here & I'm thinking about Nick.... Life is good. Otherwise I'd think it was super fucked up...
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