Can I Have Your Attention Please?

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?  That's me.  I'm having a Slim Shady kind of day.  Some days I'm me, some days, not so much.  Today is one of those other days.....  I'd like to say Slim Shady comes out when I drink or you know, have other stuff going on.  Ehh, not really.  That side of me is pretty random, YES, she makes a showing when I drink, mostly because alcohol dulls all sense of inhibition.  Me likey....

Today I'm feeling just crazy enough to tell the right person about this blog so that the whole world finds out what I've been writing.  Would some be shocked about what I've written?  Yes.  My mother would have a fucking heart attack.  Would some be embarassed?  Well, yeah, probably.  Should I be embarassed about things I've written about my self?   Ehh, probably, but I'm really not.  I could tell you things that would shock you.  But why bother, when you can read about all that shit in other blogs? 

In reality, I'm a person who let's very few people know what's going on in my head.  Why?  Because it's not necessary.  Letting the people in your life close to you, know your innermost thoughts is just trouble.  I have walls.  They have been built for reasons and I have no desire to let them down.  I tried that one time and it didn't work out so well.  I'm a well guarded fortress of little emotion in real life.

All of you?  Well, you get my daily activities as well as the Slim Shady side of me.  What a fucking bonus right?  Am I as crazy as I make myself sound sometimes?  Well yeah.  Am I as boring as I sounded over the weekend?  Yeah, I'm that too. 

So let's talk.  Let's talk tonight about relationships. 

I've been in love twice.  If the first one miraculously came back into my life, I would be complete.  If the other one would make his life right, I'd take him back in a minute.  I did that off and on for years and years only to be disappointed each time.  I've written about all that before.  I can't say I believe in soulmates, but these two boys would have been the closest I've ever came.  The first boy I lost because I moved away and even through the magic of the internet and Facebook, I can't find him.  He's probably married and has a nice house with a white picket fence and small children running around.  To think about that makes me sad because if I would have stayed where I was, that was what would have happened for me.  The second one, well, you can go into my archives and read about the reasons we're not together if you're so inclined. 

Other than these two people, my relationships have pretty much been meaningless.  Even my marriage wasn't shit.  I can honestly say I'm not looking for love.  I don't want it.  What I really want right this second is a drink and a vicodin.  I only have one of those things right now and it's not the same one without the other.  Maybe because I was raised without a dad, then with a stepdad who was overbearing during my most formative years, I don't know what a real relationship is supposed to be like.  Both of my parents have been married 3 times each, so they're obviously not the pinnacle of strong relationships.  I can't say that I haven't met the right boys, I have met some really nice boys.  Some of them my mom begged me to keep seeing, the majority of them she begged me to leave alone.  GOD I would kill for a drink right now.

Oh, Oh OH, that's better.  I'd rather have a drink than gas in my car this week apparently....  The words just flow so much easier when you've had a drink or three.  Anyways, back to what I was saying....

So, yeah, relationships.  I don't really know how to have one I don't think, even the regular "friend" kind of relationships.  Average length with a guy?  6 months.  That's being optimistic.  I would say my 3 year relationship with my ex-husband probably boosted that average by 3 months or so.  I don't wanna say I'm a "grass is greener" kind of girl, but I get BORED with people.  The main reason I never wanted to get married was that I couldn't stand the thought of waking up and looking at the same person for the rest of my life.  I need variety.  It's the spice of life, right?  With girl friends, I really don't have a whole lot of them. Tara, JoJo and Nicole are about all the drama I can handle in my everyday life.  I have other friends that are girls, but they're all kept at a distance, a more "professional" level if you will.  Like Motley Crue says Chicks = Trouble.

So where does that leave you, my dear readers?  I like you guys alot.  I find you interesting.  You're something new, like a shiny toy or a just unwrapped gift.  Those of you who have blogs, I read them and am fascinated by how ordinary or extraordinary the things are that are going on in your lives, no matter how boring you may think things are.  Those of you who just comment, I'm interested in what you have to say.  All of you might just be internet friends, but you're at a level I'm comfortable with. 

You're far enough away that I can tell you things without you seeing the shame in my eyes, yet close enough to reach out and give me advice, cheer me on, or fire me up :)  This I can deal with....

P.S. Don't tell me I don't have good "boy" relationships because I call them boys or because they ARE boys.  You're all boys to me.  It's not meant to be offensive or anything, but you're all 12 at heart, no matter how old or young, wealthy or poor, smart or dumb.  I really do love all of ya.